Do I really have to? Do people actually read this whole 'author bio' thing? Why does it matter who the author is, anyhow? Shouldn't we base the experience of art without relying on the accolades of the artist?

Sure, I have some accolades, some things that others seem to find important about "me, the author", but I will not give you any of those. If you want to find them, you can. The goal of writing a book is to give you a unique and hopefully as unbiased an experience as possible.

If you insist, you can read a bit more here.