1. Introduction

This book can be bought from https://leanpub.com/relationshipmagic/. A free sample is also available.

Since I live in America I’m writing from that perspective and culture specific to the US might be mentioned. These guidelines can be helpful to anyone in heterosexual, or LGBT relationships, or even in business. These guidelines are all about respect, communication, and understanding the person is a different individual.

I’ve been studying healthy relationships for 30+ years and I’ve picked up a lot of good info along the way. Most authors publish a book which is only about their pet model of, say, personality. But relationships cannot be explained with only a single model, nor can individual people. So this book will discuss several models and ways of explaining why people may act the way they do.

This book is not a magical fix for all a person’s problems. Real change requires real work. If you are not willing to do the work, and go out of your comfort zone, you cannot expect to change.

Many people have problems with relationships because they are not taught about the basics in school or anywhere else. This book is an attempt to give people the basic knowledge to use in their personal relationships. Much of this material can be used in business relationships and supervisor-employee relationships, i.e. learn about what makes a person happy, and do it.

Many people also get bad advice about what’s realistic in a relationship or not. If someone just uses fantasy to make decisions, they will be unhappy and fail over and over again. So this book will cover not just what is realistic, but will cover basic skills like communication, critical areas of compatibility (“must haves”), other areas of compatibility, and more. But most important, it will cover why a person needs to address their own insecurities first.

By knowing all these things it will help you find, and keep, the person of your dreams.

But nothing will work unless you take action and put good advice to work. Self-help requires change, and change requires work.

Note: The chapter on sex talks frankly about sex and sexuality. Sensitive people may not want to read that chapter.

Disclaimer: In this book I will be making some generalizations about groups. This does not imply that an individual fits this generalization, there will be exceptions to the rule.

2. The Honeymoon Period

“I have a fantastic husband. Here’s the honeymoon part: I still think he’s the funniest, wittiest, most clever man I’ve ever known.” –Sarah Jessica Parker

When a couple first starts dating they obsess over each other, think of each other constantly, they can’t wait to see each other. This is called “new relationship energy” or “the honeymoon period”. This is often called “puppy love” because real love takes much more time to grow. Mistaking the HP with real love is a serious problem because as the HP slowly fades, people assume they are “out of love” and end the relationship. This is actually the cause of some divorces.

People often confuse the honeymoon period (HP) with real love. It is not real love, it is just the giddiness of a new significant other (SO), a new chapter in life, and new possibilities.

Normally the HP lasts about a year or two, though it can last much longer if people are very compatible. When people start living together it might start up again. Living together is a major change, with new hope for a new start, but eventually routine sets in. You have less time for dates, there is more stress of working and paying bills, there might be sudden debt, etc. Just because the “feeling” of love is gone does not mean the relationship is over. Love takes more time to grow, like a tree. It is not that giddy feeling, it is more a comfortable feeling of trust you have for each other.

When a man got married, even the ancient Greeks did not allow him to go to war for the first year of marriage. They knew the importance of the honeymoon period and bonding.

2.1 What is love?

“Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more.”

There are different kinds of love. There is love for family, love for friends, and romantic love. I am talking about romantic love here.

1. Love is about trusting your SO to be reliable and to be there when you need them. This trust takes years to build. Real love is not the passionate, urgent sensation of the honeymoon period, it’s more of a slow-burning kind of trust and sense of being comfortable.
2. Love is not keeping score who did the dishes X times or not. It’s also not keeping score about how many “I love yous” were said.
3. Love is not about rushing the other person into marriage. Love is patient.
4. Love is accepting that your SO forgets to pick up their socks. A lot.
5. Love is both people compromising to make the other happy. Love is not one-sided.
6. Love is when you want to be around a person because you enjoy yourself, and they make you a better person.
7. Love is more than a feeling, it is action. It’s when you show you love the person. It can be words also but actions speak louder than words.
8. Love is accepting, not manipulative. “If you love me you would…“ is a red flag.
9. Love is peaceful, not violent.
10. Lust is not love. Take away all the sex and adventure, would you still want to be around that person? Would you still find them interesting?
11. Attachment is part of love. People with an attachment disorder often have problems with relationships and love.
12. Attraction is part of love, but it doesn’t have to be just physical attraction, it can be attraction to someone’s personality.
13. Commitment is part of love. This includes polyamorous relationships where there is committment to more than one person.
14. Reliability is part of love. If you agree to do something, you should do it. Some people are very bad at follow through.
15. Intimacy is part of love. It means sharing your deepest thoughts, desires, and fears. That means both people share. And intimacy can be scary, especially if a person isn’t used to giving or receiving it.

From the SelfCreation website¹ (very much worth a look):

The strength and depth of the connection is determined by two conditions.

1. The level of self-acceptance each person has for themselves.
2. How open, honest and exposed each individual is willing to be.

Qualities always present with these connections are:

1. Trust – believing in their integrity and good intentions towards you.
2. Respect – concluding they are good and worthy of appreciation.
3. Affection – demonstrating your good intentions through your actions.

Three types of love from Psychology Today:²

• Lust. Feeling sexual desire.
• Attraction. Feeling appeal and motivation to pursue a partner. Attraction can be physical, emotional, financial, or other.
• Attachment. Feeling bonded around sharing a life and life duties together.

And a few more quotes.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you but still loves you.” –Elbert Hubbard

This can also apply to close, personal relationships.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” -― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” -― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

2.2 For more information

1. Goodreads Quotes About Love. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/love

3. Communication skills

When two very different people are trying to communicate, they may have different communication styles. One may think a message was sent, but the other may not have received the message, or the receiver may have made assumptions about what was said.

As covered in another chapter, men and women see the world differently and have different ways of communicating. They might have similar goals, but very different ways of getting there. Understanding these differences can help your communication quite a bit.

Here are some communication tips for everyone, whether you are in a relationship or not.

3.1 Speak clearly

Speak loud enough and clear enough for the situation. A car gets pretty noisy with the windows down, going 70mph, so a louder voice that carries is more important in this case.

Also consider that your partner may be hard of hearing. This is not uncommon for military veterans, people who have worked in noisy industries, and older people.

3.2 Include all relevent details

If you are asking someone on a date, in that same conversation you should mention when the date is, where you are picking them up or where you are meeting them, and what place you are going to (movies, restaurant, etc). In the case of a restaurant or movie, make sure to ask if they like the food or movie first.

3.3 Never assume

Never assume something about the message you received. Make sure the message was clear to you and if you are in doubt about any part of the message, ask the sender for clarification.

Example. Two parties are already dating, and are trying to decide where to go out to eat.

He: Hey do you want to go out to eat?

She: Sure!

(They go to a Thai restaurant he picks.)

She: Ugh, I just don’t feel like Thai today.

(Now he is frustrated because 1. she didn’t speak up earlier, and 2. he made an effort which he perceives is wasted. He is now discouraged from making more effort.)

Solution: If she wants to avoid a certain type of restaurant, she should have spoken up before they left the house.

3.4 Don’t blame the person or use “you” phrases

Don’t say phrases like “You make me so angry!” Instead address the root problem and express your feelings using an “I” statement: “I feel so angry when you leave your socks all around the house.” At the same time, ask for a solution: “Do you think you can pick them up every day?” That’s a reasonable request.

3.5 Speak calmly

Don’t yell or raise your voice. If you are too upset to talk, leave the area or the house, cool off, or even talk about it the next day. Most of the time I try to talk about things the same day but that’s not always possible.

3.6 Don’t make personal attacks or call names

“How can you be so stupid? Why can’t you pick up your own darn socks??” That’s a personal attack as She called He the name, “stupid”.

Better way: “I get so frustrated when you don’t pick up your socks. Can you do this at the end of each day?”

3.7 Don’t be passive-aggressive

Passive-aggressive gestures try to make the other person feel guilty by using indirect hostility.³ The DSM V has a Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder for people who do this too much, where it’s a part of their regular lives. Another term for this is “catty”.

…passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a habitual pattern of passive resistance to expected work requirements, opposition, sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements for normal performance levels expected of others. Most frequently it occurs in the workplace where resistance is exhibited by such indirect behaviors as procrastination, forgetfulness, and purposeful inefficiency, especially in reaction to demands by authority figures, but it can also occur in interpersonal contexts.

(I don’t know why they said “forgetfulness” instead of “claimed forgetfulness”. PA behavior is constructed or feigned, not the result of other organic medical problems that have these actual symptoms of, say, forgetfulness.)

The WHO ICD-10 also lists passive-aggresive behavior.⁴

Example:

She: “Ok, I guess we can go to Sheila’s party. I don’t really want to but ok. I’ll compromise. Again. For you. *sigh*”

More examples from Quora.⁵ Read it for even more examples.

Jane: It’s time to go, we really should get going now.

Passive Aggressive Ann: Oh…okay. I just…well okay, I GUESS we can leave now.

Jane: Ann, do you want to stay? Is that what you’re trying to get at?

Passive Aggressive Ann: Huh? Oh no, we can leave if YOU want. I just didn’t get to do everything I wanted to do yet, but no no, we can go I guess.

Jane: God dammit Ann! Fine, we’ll stay, are you happy?

Passive Aggressive Ann: Oh okay! Yeah! That sounds great too! (Ann got her way without having to openly ask for it)

3.8 Don’t make unreasonable requests

He talking to She: “I get so angry when you don’t do the dishes twice a day every day! You know you agreed to this.” Now the circumstances are both people work full time jobs and they are both tired after work, and don’t have the energy to do the dishes quite every day. And if they have kids the kids will come first and some chores will have to be put off until another day. So this is an unreasonable request, given the circumstances.

The appropriate thing for He to say was: “I noticed you weren’t able to do the dishes every day like you agreed. Is there something wrong? Should we revise our agreement?”

At this point She would be honest and say she’s just too tired. She should also offer a solution, like doing the dishes every 3rd day. And He could just help out also. Bottom line: If He wants to dishes done twice every day, He should do it, not force His personal preferences onto someone else. Even though they agreed to do the dishes twice a day, they soon realized they don’t have the energy to do it. If you want something done your way, do it yourself, don’t fight about it.

And now back to the sock thing.

She gets angry because He leaves his dirty socks all around the house. Picking up after yourself is a basic adult task that any adult can do. He has no reason to not pick up the socks. While she has reason to be frustrated, she should not be yelling about it either. She needs to use good, adult communication.

3.9 Pick your battles, don’t fight about the little things

Pick your battles and what you insist on, carefully. If you fight about too many minor things, the relationship will have problems. If you make small things into big things, you might have issues to deal with yourself.

Example: Some people can deal with dirty dishes in the sink for days, some people can’t. If you don’t like dirty dishes in the sink, don’t fight about it, do them yourself. Take responsibility for your personal preferences. If your SO agreed to do the dirty dishes every other day, and you don’t like them sitting there in the “off” day, do them yourself. If your SO agreed to do the dishes every day and they aren’t getting done for some reason, maybe a new agreement will have to be made. Adjustments have to be made sometimes.

Ask yourself: Is it really worth ending the relationship over this? Because that’s what might happen.

3.10 Be aware of your emotions and theirs

1. Make sure you are aware of your emotional state before you start talking. Are you too angry or frustrated to stay calm? Then take a break away from the other person.
2. Try to understand the emotional state of the other person too. Did they just get home from a stressful day at work and now they need 30 minutes to decompress? This would not be a good time to talk about certain things you two disagree about. Instead just ask them if they are ready to talk about X. Be specific about the topic, don’t blind side them with something they didn’t expect. Nothing is worth adding stress to the relationship, talk about it later.

3.11 Communication cheat sheet

Here is a communication cheat sheet to help you remember too communicating tips. Thanks to http://www.therapistdamon.com.

Notes