Why We Need a Fresh Study

I was motivated to write this book for several reasons. First, people have repeatedly asked my opinion on the “courtship wars” current in the homeschool movement. Is “courtship” a Biblical practice? If so, which of the many competing definitions of courtship should we follow? Is dating sinful? Must all Christians endorse the so-called “betrothal method”? And, if so, which betrothal method is Biblical anyway? What about “dating with purpose”? And what should that mean? Is physical touch appropriate? What is “going too far”? Is the physical contact of Ruth and Boaz lawful? What about Robert Andrews’ suggested sexual progression? And if we are going to use the Bible to talk about premarital romance, what about arranged marriages? Should Christians avoid all romance prior to marriage? What is the difference between betrothal and engagement? Does the Bible even set guidelines? What is legalism and what is Biblical? Can one behavior be sinful for one couple and not sinful for another? These are a few of the questions this book is designed to answer.

A second reason for writing this book is that I have witnessed great confusion in general over the process of finding a spouse. There have been too many hurt feelings because both parties have had quite different expectations of what this season is all about. Should it be a safe process of dating multiple partners with some parental oversight? Or should it be a more formal process of research to see if there is any interest in even entering into a relationship? Some have merged the time of discussion and engagement into one, while others deny that any time of discussion is even biblical. Some see engagement as merely the equivalent to “going steady” while others see it as a covenant that can only be broken by a divorce. With such wide-ranging viewpoints, it is no wonder that the landscape has been littered with a lot of hurt feelings, bitterness, and broken relationships. God’s “perfect law of liberty” (James 1:25; 2:12) was intended to give you maximum liberty. God’s good law (Rom. 7:12,16,22; 1 Tim. 1:8) was intended to be “for your good” (Deut. 10:13) and for your joy (Ps. 19:8; John 15:9-17). It is my hope that this book will help to restore such joy.

A third reason for writing this book is to encourage people to take advantage of the time of betrothal to learn many creative ways of expressing non-sexual love. How many women wish their husbands could express love in more ways than in bed! Betrothal gives men and women practice in other languages of love than touch, and these creative habits of expressing love follow them into marriage. We will be seeing that God intends betrothal to be the ideal training ground for a richer and fuller expression of love than many couples know. Unfortunately, many are so focused on avoiding sexual love before marriage that they miss the most important purpose of betrothal. This book will give the Biblical basis and ground rules for making betrothal a perfect environment for growing in friendship.

A fourth reason I have been motivated to write this book is to show the unintended consequences that certain approaches to romance can produce. Over the past thirty years numerous friends have told me that they quickly slid into sexual involvement when they were dating. They never intended to commit fornication, but the very process of dating that they were using almost guaranteed it. This has in turn left some of them not only with regrets, but also with sexual issues within marriage that came from guilt or other negative feelings over the premarital fornication. At least some women have said that they don’t trust their husbands because, “If he had no self-control with me before marriage, how do I know he will have self-control with someone else after our marriage?” Counselors often have to deal with these negative “fruits” but are not willing to cut down the “root” so as to stop these problems from perpetuating generation after generation. I think it is time to completely restudy what the Bible says about ways of finding a spouse so as to produce Biblical fruit.

A fifth reason I have been motivated to write this book is that legalism is rife within the homeschooling movement, and it is strikingly evidenced in the way many families go about pursuing marriage for their children. Legalism can produce just as many problems in a beginning family as license can. I have known best friends become estranged because of legalism, inconsistency, and judgmentalism in the way they have guided their children to pursue marriage. But, done Biblically, it can bring great joy as well as provide a smooth transition for marriage.

My last reason for writing this book is that I am tired of having to contradict people who claim that the Bible doesn’t talk much about pre-marital romance. The problem is not that the Bible doesn’t say much, but that it says far more than many people are comfortable with.