1. Avoiding Legalism and License

Scripture gives more than one model and calls for flexibility

This book will seek to demonstrate that the Bible gives more than one model for finding a life partner in marriage. For example, we will look at passages that show God’s authorization of marriages that had neither a time of prior discussion or an engagement. But we will also look at Scriptures that lay down a great deal of structure for both of these seasons in most situations. We will see that God authorized parents and even trusted friends to arrange a marriage, while other passages speak of the man and the woman taking most of the initiative. Sensitivity to the person and the situation dictated these differences. Unfortunately, some people will latch onto one paradigm or another and insist that it must be applied to all people in all situations. But God deals with us as unique individuals, not as abstract statistics. He wants us to depend upon His guidance and wisdom as we apply the Scripture to new situations.

Scripture gives all the principles needed for this subject

But let me be clear that when I advocate flexibility I am advocating Biblical flexibility, not pragmatism. I in no way want to deny the complete sufficiency of Scripture for this subject. The powerful Scriptures have “given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:2-4) and are so overwhelmingly sufficient “that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16-17). Unlike existentialism that excuses sin based on motives, and unlike situational ethics that excuses sin based on unique situations, I will be seeking to give Biblical principles for understanding proper motives, goals, and situations. It is my hope that the principles of this book will give a jump-start to your study and application of God’s Word for your own romance and for that of your children.

What is Form and Freedom?

Francis Schaeffer repeatedly urged a balance between form and freedom. He showed the disastrous results of both autonomous freedom and rigid legalism. Autonomous freedom lacks Biblical definition and leads to anarchy and eventually to the bondage of sin. Rigid legalism leads to another kind of bondage because it adds to God’s “perfect law of liberty” (James 1:25) and in the process nullifies it (Mark 7:1-13). This rigid legalism suffocates people by giving them no room for expression and in the process dehumanizes them by applying some Biblical rules but ignoring what the Bible says about the person, the goal, and the situation. People intuitively recognize that we can’t do this with other aspects of life.

Imagine what art would be like without both form and freedom. Imagine a father who wants his child to learn poetry well but focuses all of his time on the principles of form and allows no opportunities for his son to creatively express his heart. This father teaches his son syllabification, emphasis, rhythm, rhyme, alliteration, assonance, simile, parallelism, style, symbol, themes, etc. All of these give form to great poetry. But form without creative freedom does not produce art. Having taught the son all about the “form” of poetry, the father then proceeds to ask his son to write a poem. Sadly, as soon as his son begins to write, the father is seized with shame (a form of pride) that his son’s poetry is nothing like that of Wordsworth or even Shakespeare. He wonders what other people will think of his son’s poetry. In trying to protect his son from “poor” poetry, the father crosses out each word, substitutes new words, changes the meter, and adds new verses. What would we have to conclude about this poem? Eventually we would have to conclude that this is the father’s poem, not the son’s. By removing freedom the father has failed to teach his son how to write poetry. The son has failed to take ownership of the poetry. The son has not experienced the thrill of actually writing poetry. I think we would all recognize that this is a problem.

Now imagine a second father who over-reacts to this “legalism” and decides that his son is only going to have freedom by the leading of the Spirit. He asks his son to write poetry, but he refuses to give him guidelines. He is convinced that guidelines will inhibit his creative spirit. In his effort to avoid legalism the father gives no instruction on syllabification, meter, emphasis, rhythm, rhyme, etc. What would be the result of rejecting the forms of poetry and embracing autonomous freedom? It would be a total lack of poetry, even if the child calls it poetry. The son has freedom, but no form. And he is left with frustration and numerous mistakes.

The same is true for other areas of life. If the “form” of civil government is rejected, people and properties suffer under the resulting anarchy. Any time civil government exceeds the limits of “form” found in the bible, increasing tyranny is the inevitable result. True liberty is expressed as freedom within form. Francis Schaeffer illustrated how the balance between freedom and form is needed in science and in art, in church and in family.

Form and Freedom in Romance

It is possible to go to the same extremes of neglecting either form or freedom while seeking a marriage partner and during the season of engagement or betrothal.¹ Some fathers set up such unrealistic standards for potential suitors that they chase away qualified young men. They think, “Only 0.001% of the men I know are good enough for my daughter.” If everyone thought that, how would the church fulfill Paul’s command, “Let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2)? Some couples quickly become so romantically attached that they lose perspective and are not able to evaluate the Biblical qualifications that need to be in place. Others make the regulations surrounding betrothal so heavy that they rob that period of its intended purpose – the development of non-sexual romance. Others overreact to legalism and end up causing themselves pain through premarital sexual sins. What God intended to be a joyful time of preparation for marriage² has in some circles become so restrictive that they really can’t get to know their future spouse. Some have claimed that during betrothal there should be no emotional attachment, no letters of endearment and no expressions of “I love you!” being said. They believe that the heart may not be given away until marriage, and certainly (they think) the man should not be wooing the young lady’s heart. While some of those fears are legitimate before the two young people are certain they wish to marry, I believe they are totally foreign to the Bible’s description of engagement or betrothal.

It is my belief that a time of discussion and seeking the Lord’s will regarding marriage has a different purpose than the time of engagement. Both can help to set the tone for a godly marriage, or both can create problems within a marriage. Many modern marriages lack the balance of form and freedom. Francis Schaeffer describes the balance of form and freedom within marriage when he said,

But the difficulty within evangelical circles is that we often forget that within the proper form of marriage there is to be an interplay of personality which is beautiful. There is both form and a freedom for reality of personal interplay within the form. The form is necessary. But we must understand that form is not all there is, or sexuality becomes frigid and dead. So if we have a totally faithful marriage that is also ugly, it is certainly not what it ought to be; it does not portray what God means marriage to be. We can speak a great deal against sexual laxity in the whole area of sexual morality, but merely speaking of this is not enough. We must show to a world that is looking for beauty in the midst of twentieth-century ugliness that in the proper form (marriage), there can be a freedom of personal interplay which is beautiful.³

This book is designed to show the beauty of preparation for marriage with the same balance of form and freedom. The form that God has given consists of the guidelines laid down in the Bible. The freedom that the Lord has given consists in the myriad ways in which those forms are creatively used to glorify and enjoy God under the leading of the Holy Spirit. If we err by throwing out either form or freedom, it will not achieve what God intended these things to achieve, and could in the process negatively impact the families involved.

Spoiling what God intended to be delightful

People will sometimes point at legalists who have misused this season and want nothing to do with it. But why let man’s sin rob you of God’s good gifts? The sin of man can spoil anything that God created to be precious and joyful. For example, God made the Sabbath to be a day of blessing (Ex. 20:11; Is. 56:2) and “delight” (Is. 58:13),⁴ but the Pharisees robbed the day of its joyous celebration when they added endless regulations designed to “protect” the day. No doubt their intentions were noble (they wanted to keep people as far from sinning as they could), but they were driven by lack of faith in God’s plan and fear of man’s human nature. And what resulted was a monstrosity of a day that produced mourning instead of joyful celebration. Others have overreacted to such legalism and have robbed themselves of refreshment, joy, and celebration by completely neglecting God’s form for the day. Whether we err by throwing out form or throwing out freedom, the result is not good. Only God’s regulations prove to be “the perfect law of liberty” (James 1:25). All else leads to either the bondage of sin or the bondage of legalism. Any bondage is incompatible with God’s calling to sonship (John 8:31-36), whether that bondage is the result of adding to God’s laws (Mark 7:1-13) or the result of breaking God’s laws (2 Pet. 2:19), “for you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father’” (Rom. 8:15).