7. Case Study: Genesis 24
In this chapter I want to illustrate the principles of this book using a Biblical case study. I am deliberately using a less common model for finding a spouse to illustrate the fact that the Biblical principles are universal while the models are flexible. It is my hope that the following thirty-five principles will help to make the teaching of this book practical and down-to-earth.
Value of a father’s involvement even when older (v. 1; 25:20; 1 Cor. 7:36)
The first principle illustrated in Genesis 24 is that a father’s involvement should ideally be present even when the son is older. The chapter begins:
Now Abraham was old, well advanced in age; and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.
– Genesis 24:1
How old was Isaac at this point? Genesis 25:20 says, “Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah as wife.” Though Isaac had been of age for twenty years, he still valued his father’s input on marriage. Notice that I didn’t say that a father’s involvement is mandated. But Isaac valued his father’s input. There was a much higher value placed on fatherhood in Isaac’s day than we have in our day, and I dare say that it is we who are on the short end of that stick. That is not to say that all fathers are trustworthy. But we are talking about an ideal here.
This is an ideal for both males and females. 1 Corinthians 7:36 speaks of a father’s input on his daughter’s marriage even when she is beyond her prime. The Greek word is ὑπέρακμος, which refers to a woman who is “beyond the bloom of youth.”81 Though she is an adult lady, it appears that her father is still ideally involved in guiding her.
I know this is foreign to American thinking, but in Asia, India, and Africa I have seen this paradigm work very well. We can pray that fathers would embrace their fatherhood so thoroughly that their sons could have this kind of trust. I would certainly seek my father’s advice if I was in Isaac’s shoes. So principle number 1 is that a father’s value in the search for a wife continues even when we are beyond our prime. If that is true, how much more so when we are young?
It is better to wait than to marry the wrong one
The second principle implied in Genesis 24:1 is that it is better to wait than to marry the wrong one. Obviously believing women were scarce in the districts that Isaac lived in. In our church it seems to be the opposite. It seems that the women outnumber the men. But the principle is that there is a place for waiting.
Of course, there are other principles that balance this one. Some parents needlessly wait because they are either too perfectionistic or they are too passive in their view of God’s guidance. But it is better to wait than to marry the wrong person.
Be active in seeking a spouse (vv. 1ff; cf. 1 Thes. 4; Numb. 36:6; Jer. 29:6; Gen. 2:20)
The third principle illustrated in this chapter is that we should actively seek for a spouse. As demonstrated earlier in this book, God commands all parties to be active. He gives instructions to men in 1 Thessalonians 4 on how to acquire a wife, and those instructions make it clear that he is not passive. God commands the daughters of Zelophehad, “let them marry whom they think best,” and that phrase in Numbers 36:6 (“whom they think best”) involves thinking about who would be best – quite contrary to what some teachers advocate. The Bible does not advocate passivity on the part of young men or women. God also commands fathers to be very active when he says, “find wives for your sons …” (Jer. 29:6) There is nothing passive about that. Earlier in this book we saw that even Adam was not completely passive in the search for a spouse. And this passage gives us one case study example of actively seeking for a spouse.
Be willing to think outside the box when no one locally is a suitable potential spouse
The fourth principle illustrated in Genesis 24 is that we should be willing to think outside the box when there are no adequate spouses locally. Don’t passively wait for God to drop someone into your lap. Travel; go to conferences where like-minded people gather; ask your elders for help; use technology to get introduced. In this case, Abraham took some initiative and sent his trusted servant to look.
Fathers should treat the issue of their children’s marriages seriously (vv. 2-3)
Verses 2-3 illustrate the fifth principle – that fathers should treat the issue of their children’s marriages seriously. The text says,
So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh,
and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth,
– Genesis 24:2-3
Why did he make this servant take an oath? It was because of the enormous importance of getting one’s children well-married. Too many fathers turn a blind eye when their child starts showing an interest in a person who is not qualified for marriage. Though Samson’s parents protested the choice of a Philistine wife in Judges 14, they eventually went along to get along when he insisted, “get her for me.” But they should not have done so. By actively involving themselves in the process of allowing him to be introduced to that unbiblical wife, they were implicated in the sin. The marriage of our children is so important that we should not take a laissez faire attitude toward it.
Don’t let your children become unequally yoked (v. 3)
Verse 3 introduces the sixth important principle: do not let your children become unequally yoked. Abraham instructed his servant:
that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell;
While this clearly rules out a marriage to an unbeliever, it also rules out spouses that have worldviews hostile to our own. Whether it is the father of a Samson or a father of an Isaac, fathers should refuse to endorse or even attend the wedding of their son if he is marrying an unbeliever.
Both fathers and other matchmakers can be involved in the search for a spouse (v. 4)
Verse 4 shows that both fathers and other matchmakers can be involved in the search for a spouse. Abraham said,
but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac.
– Genesis 24:4
This delegation of matchmakers can be trusted relatives, church leaders, or friends. I have from time to time suggested a possible match to an overly passive father who doesn’t have eyes in his head to see.
Don’t be desperate (v. 5)
The eighth principle is that none of the parties should be so desperate for marriage that compromises are made. Genesis 24:5 says,
And the servant said to him, “Perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me to this land. Must I take your son back to the land from which you came?”
– Genesis 24:5
Some parents are so eager to get their kids married off that they will jump at any interested party. You don’t need to lower the Biblical standards in order to marry. On the other hand, the Biblical standards are not perfection. But desperation has made some people overlook major character issues that really should be deal killers. If a woman is not willing to follow the man’s leadership, that should be a deal killer. Abraham said that it needed to be a deal killer for Isaac. She needed to follow him, not vice versa.
Base your decision making on the inspired revelation of Scripture (vv. 6-7)
The ninth principle is that decision making for marriage should be based upon the inspired revelation of Scripture.
But Abraham said to him, “Beware that you do not take my son back there.
The LORD God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from the land of my family, and who spoke to me and swore to me, saying, “To your descendants I give this land,’ He will send His angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there.
– Genesis 24:6-7
Of course, if all parties need to be thinking biblically on these issues, it implies that fathers need to be teaching their children God’s Biblical principles of marriage and romance from the time that they are young. Here Abraham was appealing to earlier revelation. Of course there are many Biblical issues that need to be considered. I have two booklets designed to help you think through what it looks like to be ready for marriage. You can download them for free from the web. One is for women, and the other is for men. But I would issue a word of caution even in using such booklets – don’t be perfectionistic or your kids will never get married. Too many parents have such idealistic standards for their children that if everybody had that approach, we would never be able to obey Paul’s command, “let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” (1 Cor. 7:2). Paul’s command for everyone to eventually get married means that everybody is going to marry a sinner. When we are talking about Biblical principles being in place, we are talking about direction, not perfection. What direction are they going in?
Find a wife that will fit your calling and follow you (v. 8)
Verse 8 says,
And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath; only do not take my son back there.
– Genesis 24:8
The principle that I see in this verse is especially for young men - you should never marry a woman who will hold you back from your calling. Fathers need to be sensitive to God’s calling upon their sons when they are seeking a wife for their son. If God has clearly called your son to be a missionary to the head hunters in Papua New Guiinea, you better look for a woman who has flexibility, boldness, security in the Lord, and a love for adventure. I have seen too many people not able to pursue their callings because they have married a person who is really quite at odds with their call. This is especially important for the man, since he has the primary calling in the family. But if you have a daughter who shows remarkable abilities to be a helpmeet to a particular profession, think along those lines and let her enter into a relationship that will help her to flourish.
All matchmakers should themselves be believers (v. 9)
So the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and swore to him concerning this matter.
– Genesis 24:9
At a minimum, all matchmakers of believers should themselves be believers. We know from earlier passages that this steward was a believer in Yahweh who shared Abraham’s passions, worldview, and vision. He was a circumcised believer who was in covenant with God. He was not an unbeliever. I try to warn people not to listen to the advice of unbelievers when it comes to marriage. This means that when the fathers themselves are unbelievers, a son or a daughter might have to veto their suggestions and even take initiative for finding a spouse on their own. Contrary to what some prominent teachers teach, the Bible only commands submission in the Lord. Ruth sought the advice of her mother-in-law and not the ungodly advice of her Moabite blood family. Scripture is quite clear that you may not be unequally yoked, even if your parents want you to be. So this point gives a limit to the degree to which a person follows the counsel of his father.
Matchmakers must know the worldview, passions, desires, and personality of those they are serving.
But matchmakers should also know the worldview, passions, desires, and personality of those they are serving. There is a sense in which this matchmaker was part of the family. He knew Isaac as well as anyone, and he was following the father’s directions.
Men should be able to financially support their wives (v. 10)
Then the servant took ten of his master’s camels and departed, for all his master’s goods were in his hand. And he arose and went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor.
– Genesis 24:10
This verse illustrates a thirteenth principle - that the man should be financially prepared to support a wife. Obviously none of us needs to be as wealthy as Isaac was, but we do need to be able to support a wife without relying upon her income. Is this an absolute principle? No. But it is the whole point of the dowry system referred to in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. The dowry especially was designed to prove that the man was able to be the man of the household. If you scrimp on this, you actually cripple the new home with years of financial struggle. I strongly urge people to not go into marriage with debt. Is that an absolute principle? No. The Bible allowed even slaves to get married. But I’m talking about the ideal of what makes for strong marriages. I don’t think slavery is the ideal. It is best if the husband is the bread winner.
Fathers should be interested in passing on a multi-generational heritage (vv. 11-12)
Verses 11-12 illustrate yet another ideal:
And he made his camels kneel down outside the city by a well of water at evening time, the time when women go out to draw water.
Then he said, “O LORD God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham.
– Genesis 24:11-12
Why does it say, “show kindness to my master Abraham” rather than “to show kindness to Isaac”? Obviously he wanted Isaac to be well married. But it was a kindness to Abraham for Isaac to be well married because of covenant succession. Another way to state this fourteenth principle is that fathers are involved in finding spouses for their children because they have a vested interest in it and they are commanded to pass on a spiritual heritage from generation to generation, and a bad marriage can short-circuit that. Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good man leaves a heritage to his children’s children…” Any father who has developed a 200 year plan with any degree of realism has his heart stirred with great interest in his children’s future spouses and grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Therefore it mystifies me that fathers are so passive in this process.
We should bathe the whole process in prayer, seeking God’s guidance (vv. 13-14)
The fifteenth principle illustrated in this chapter is that we should bathe the whole process in prayer, seeking God’s guidance. Verses 13-14:
Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.
Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, “Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’—let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master.
– Genesis 24:13-14
The steward of Abraham bathed this in prayer, and in doing that he was following in the spiritual steps of his master, Abraham. If we expect God to bless our marriages, we should seek His face.
Have a set of essential criteria in a potential spouse and prepare your children to meet those Biblical criteria (vv. 13ff)
In the next verses, we see a sixteenth principle illustrated: fathers should be preparing their sons and daughters to be ready for marriage. This steward (representing the father’s wishes) was looking for five things that he wanted to see in a wife for Isaac.
First, he wanted to see a good work ethic. If he hadn’t seen that in Rebekah, she would probably have been disqualified. It takes a lot of work to water camels, so this was setting a pretty high standard. He wanted a woman with an incredible work ethic. Laziness was not tolerated in our home because laziness utterly disqualifies both a man and a woman for marriage. The man is supposed to be taking dominion and the woman is supposed to be his helper suitable to him. Without a good work ethic neither of those roles is possible.
Second, he was looking for someone who was generous-hearted. This is one evidence of God’s grace producing ministry. Every Biblical home should be a home committed to ministry, and generosity is an essential ingredient for the sacrifices needed for ministry.
Third, he was looking for someone who would be hospitable. For Isaac’s line of work, hospitality was critical. But really, Romans 12:13 says that every single believer will be “given to hospitality” when he is mature.
Fourth, he was looking for someone who was patient. It would take patience to do what was asked of her to do.
And fifth, he was looking for someone who was respectful. In verse 18 she says, “Drink my lord.”
The criteria you are looking for in a spouse may be different. Like I said earlier, if your son is called to missions, you may want to remind him that he needs a wife who will be strong enough to endure the hardships of the mission field. If he is called to be an elder or a deacon, Titus lays out some pretty significant characteristics that are absolutely essential for an officer’s wife. It’s not enough to say that any godly, beautiful, Christian girl will do for my son. It’s not enough for the father of the bride to think that godliness alone will make for a good husband. There should be complementary giftings. Often the children are not objective enough – especially if they are smitten, to evaluate these things. They sometimes need to be told. But in any case, fathers can take a leadership role in making sure that all parties involved will evaluate the readiness and qualifications for a potential spouse.
Objectivity is needed – not allowing beauty to blind you (vv. 15-16)
The seventeenth principle is that objectivity is needed when searching for a spouse. It is so easy to allow beauty to skew your decision-making process. Verses 15-16:
And it happened, before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, came out with her pitcher on her shoulder.
Now the young woman was very beautiful to behold, a virgin; no man had known her. And she went down to the well, filled her pitcher, and came up.
– Genesis 24:15-16
Notice that there is no provision that a bride must be beautiful or even that she must be a virgin, though such things would be huge bonuses. A person’s character, Christian walk, giftings, and other things can sometimes compensate for a lack of both. Because this steward was being objective, her beauty didn’t blind him. He kept watching. He was seeking to be objective.
Have confidence in God’s providence and guidance (vv. 17-21)
The eighteenth principle is that we should have confidence in God’s providence and guidance. This is illustrated so well in verses 17-21:
And the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.
So she said, “Drink, my lord.” Then she quickly let her pitcher down to her hand, and gave him a drink.
And when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I will draw water for your camels also, until they have finished drinking.
Then she quickly emptied her pitcher into the trough, ran back to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels.
And the man, wondering at her, remained silent so as to know whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.
– Genesis 24:17-21
I love that phrase, “to know whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.” To me it speaks of having confidence in God’s providential leading/guidance. It takes faith in God’s providence for a son or daughter to trust a father to be involved and it takes faith in God’s providence for a father to believe that he can actually be involved in a way that will truly bless the hearts and lives of his children. God loves to bless our children in this way. After all, Scripture says, “a prudent wife is from the LORD…” God is very much involved in match making, and we shouldn’t fear that God will make us marry someone we will hate. Instead, Numbers 36:6 is interested in both His qualifications and our desires when He says, “Let them marry whom they think best…” We can have confidence in God’s providential leading/guidance because He loves us and cares about us.
Don’t be shy about asking questions (vv. 22-25)
So it was, when the camels had finished drinking, that the man took a golden nose ring weighing half a shekel, and two bracelets for her wrists weighing ten shekels of gold,
and said, “Whose daughter are you? Tell me, please, is there room in your father’s house for us to lodge?
So she said to him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel, Milcah’s son, whom she bore to Nahor.
Moreover she said to him, “We have both straw and feed enough, and room to lodge.
– Genesis 24:22-25
There are actually a number of principles in that passage, but I will just highlight one. Don’t be shy. Neither fathers nor sons should be shy to investigate and to ask questions. Too many parents are nervous about asking questions. They think they will be embarrassed if they asked and get turned down. In our congregation we have managed to cultivate an atmosphere in which inquiries by a father on behalf of a son are not thought to be rude, and being turned down is not received as anything other than the will of God. Shyness to investigate doesn’t help. So this servant wants to talk to the dad.
Be God-centered (vv. 26-27)
Then the man bowed down his head and worshiped the LORD.
And he said, “Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken His mercy and His truth toward my master. As for me, being on the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master’s brethren.
– Genesis 24:26-27
Notice how God-centered this servant was. Marriage was not first and foremost an issue of advancing one’s position, his finances, his respect. It was not first and foremost about romance. It was first and foremost a goal to please God. The steward (and by implication Abraham and Isaac whom he represented) had as his first goal to serve, worship, and be faithful to God. You are on a dangerous track if your first goal is to get a spouse. Be God-centered.
Become the wise father that makes you the first one that your children turn to (v. 28)
So the young woman ran and told her mother’s household these things.
– Genesis 24:28
Become the wise father that your children will run to for advice. I don’t know how many times I have seen disastrous marriages happen when young girls seek romance independent of their father’s advice. The first words out of a girl’s mouth when she is asked about romance should be, “You’ll have to talk to my father.” But that assumes that the fathers have done the homework to prepare themselves to be wise guides. I think 1 Corinthians 7 shows that the father is her protector in this regard. Anyway, she ran to her father’s house to ask him. That’s a good thing.
One father can take initiative even if the other father does not (v. 29)
Now Rebekah had a brother whose name was Laban, and Laban ran out to the man by the well.
– Genesis 24:29
Sadly, who is the initiator in this verse? It’s not her father, Bethuel. He’s present in this chapter, but it seems to be Laban who takes all the initiative. And even though you as the father of a man or a woman might be very involved, you are going to run across a passive parent of someone you are interested in. So the 22nd principle is that one father can take initiative even if the other one does not.
God can still bring good out of family situations that are messed up (vv. 30-31)
So it came to pass, when he saw the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s wrists, and when he heard the words of his sister Rebekah, saying, “Thus the man spoke to me,” that he went to the man. And there he stood by the camels at the well.
And he said, “Come in, O blessed of the LORD! Why do you stand outside? For I have prepared the house, and a place for the camels.
– Genesis 24:30-31
What I see in these verses is that God can still bring something good out of the situation even if the motivations of the other family are not totally spiritual. We know from the character of Laban that he can only see dollars in his eyes. Yet God still guided even in that situation. Don’t totally judge a son or a daughter based on the character of her family. That can sometimes be a good indicator, but not always.
Don’t be swayed by pushiness; stay focused on God’s will (vv. 32-33)
Then the man came to the house. And he unloaded the camels, and provided straw and feed for the camels, and water to wash his feet and the feet of the men who were with him.
Food was set before him to eat, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told about my errand.” And he said, “Speak on.”
– Genesis 24:32-33
What I see here is that the steward stayed focused on God’s will and was not swayed by the pushiness of others. He could already see that Laban was keen on the marriage, but since he appeared to be motivated by money, the steward wanted to make sure that he stayed focused on whether this was God’s will, not simply the other family’s will. Once the possibility of marriage is broached, you need to be able to back out if negotiations don’t seem to indicate that this is of the Lord. Until betrothal has happened, there should be no assumed promises or expectations. Some fathers are too easily manipulated by the expectations of others.
Be confident that it is normally God’s will for all of our children to be married (vv. 34-40)
So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant.
The LORD has blessed my master greatly, and he has become great; and He has given him flocks and herds, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys.
And Sarah my master’s wife bore a son to my master when she was old; and to him he has given all that he has.
Now my master made me swear, saying, “You shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell;
but you shall go to my father’s house and to my family, and take a wife for my son.’
And I said to my master, “Perhaps the woman will not follow me.’
But he said to me, “The LORD, before whom I walk, will send His angel with you and prosper your way; and you shall take a wife for my son from my family and from my father’s house.”
– Genesis 24:34-40
A 25th principle is that we should be confident that the Lord will prosper our way and that all our children will ordinarily be married. 1 Corinthians 7:2 says, “let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” It is my conviction that this is the normative statement in 1 Corinthians 7 and that the call to singleness was a temporary provision for the present time of persecution and distress. I believe that the gift of celibacy talked about in that chapter is a rare thing indeed, and God delights in bringing two people together in marriage. Trust that God loves to prosper your search for a spouse. If He has not let you have your heart’s desire, it is because there is something better for you. Although, I will say in passing that some people give up too quickly.
Fathers should model godly leadership to other fathers (vv. 41-48)
‘You will be clear from this oath when you arrive among my family; for if they will not give her to you, then you will be released from my oath.’
“And this day I came to the well and said, ‘O LORD God of my master Abraham, if You will now prosper the way in which I go,
‘behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass that when the virgin comes out to draw water, and I say to her, “Please give me a little water from your pitcher to drink,”
‘and she says to me, “Drink, and I will draw for your camels also,”—let her be the woman whom the LORD has appointed for my master’s son.’
“But before I had finished speaking in my heart, there was Rebekah, coming out with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down to the well and drew water. And I said to her, ‘Please let me drink.’
“And she made haste and let her pitcher down from her shoulder, and said, ‘Drink, and I will give your camels a drink also.’ So I drank, and she gave the camels a drink also.
“Then I asked her, and said, ‘Whose daughter are you?’ And she said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bore to him.’ So I put the nose ring on her nose and the bracelets on her wrists.
“And I bowed my head and worshiped the LORD, and blessed the LORD God of my master Abraham, who had led me in the way of truth to take the daughter of my master’s brother for his son.”
– Genesis 24:41-48
This whole section is simply a rearticulation to the family of Rebekah of all the principles that we have already talked about. So principle 26 is that fathers should model to other fathers the Biblical principles of fatherhood. That’s exactly what he is doing to this rather passive father, Bethuel. Keep spreading the message that fathers should be involved. To some degree this worked, because both Bethuel and Laban answered in verse 50. Laban won’t shut up, but at least this heavy involvement of Abraham in the life of his son is a testimony to Bethuel, and he at least half-heartedly rises to the occasion. But it sure doesn’t hurt to spread the message.
Fathers have authority to approve or disapprove of potential husbands (v. 49)
“Now if you will deal kindly and truly with my master, tell me. And if not, tell me, that I may turn to the right hand or to the left.”
– Genesis 24:49
The 27th principle is that the father of the girl has the authority to forbid marriage or to agree to marriage. I know it is not a popular concept, but it is quite clear in 1 Corinthians 7. That passage says that a father has the authority “keep his virgin daughter” from a suitor (1 Cor. 7:37) or to “give her in marriage” (v. 38-39). Nor is oversight of a father restricted to his daughter. Jeremiah commands fathers, “take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands” (Jer. 29:6). There are differences between how you handle sons and daughters, but there should be fatherly involvement with both. And the law of God gives situations where it is perfectly appropriate for a father to utterly refuse to give his daughter to a young man, even though they have fornicated (Ex. 22:17). Even though they have jumped the gun and fornicated, the father can punish the man and refuse to give the daughter. Godly Abraham gave guidelines in the search for a wife for Isaac (Gen. 24) and Reuel gave oversight to the marriage of his daughter to Moses (Ex. 2:21). It was Jewish fathers who were required to take an oath before God to not give their daughters to pagan sons, and to not take pagan daughters for their sons (Neh. 10:29-30). He was saying that to all the fathers of Israel. Anyone who has examined all the evidence of Scripture will agree with Tertullian’s summary when he said, “sons do not legitimately marry without the consent of their fathers.”82 I believe there are some exceptions that can occur, but this is the general pattern of Scripture. 1 Corinthians 7 is simply upholding the authority of a father over a girl’s promises as described in Numbers 30. Marriage is not a state or church issue primarily (though they do have a vested interest in making sure that the marriages are lawful). But it is primarily a covenant between two families and two individuals. So getting the father’s permission is essential.
Get used to talking frankly about marriage potential (vv. 50-53)
But the 28th principle that I see here is that we need to get used to talking frankly about the potential of marriage. Some parents may not even think of the possibility if you don’t bring it up to them. But after they have thought about it for a while, they might say, “Wow. Why didn’t I think about that? I think they would be a good match.” So get used to talking frankly about the potential of marriage.
The legitimacy of a bride price and dowry (vv. 50-52)
Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you either bad or good.
Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be your master’s son’s wife, as the LORD has spoken.”
And it came to pass, when Abraham’s servant heard their words, that he worshiped the LORD, bowing himself to the earth.
Then the servant brought out jewelry of silver, jewelry of gold, and clothing, and gave them to Rebekah. He also gave precious things to her brother and to her mother.
– Genesis 24:50-53
This is the issue of dowry (what I consider insurance and savings in case of death or divorce) and bride price (a blessing to the parents who will lose the productivity of Rebekah). Not all suitors in the Bible were able to pay both a dowry to the wife plus a bride price to the parents, but a dowry was considered almost a necessity for even the poorest of the poor. One example of a poor dowry was the parable of the lost coin in Luke 15. The coin that was lost was one of the coins on her dowry necklace (Luke 15:8-10).
Women have a strong say-so in whom they marry (vv. 54-58)
And he and the men who were with him ate and drank and stayed all night. Then they arose in the morning, and he said, “Send me away to my master.”
But her brother and her mother said, “Let the young woman stay with us a few days, at least ten; after that she may go.”
And he said to them, “Do not hinder me, since the LORD has prospered my way; send me away so that I may go to my master.”
So they said, “We will call the young woman and ask her personally.”
Then they called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will go.”
– Genesis 24:54-58
One of the principles clearly illustrated in these verses is that women had a say in whom they married. I’ve alluded to this already, but it needs to be its own point. This was more than simply vetoing a series of losers that the parents were trying to get her married off to. They had input ability as well. The Law said of virgin daughters, “Let them marry whom they think best” (Numb. 36:6), but then of course gave some Biblical restrictions that she had to operate within. But that phrase implies that the girl’s own thoughts and input factored in. There needs to be great discussion going on between daughters and fathers many years before they are even marriageable. In other words, if the father and the daughter have each other’s heart, they can broach the topic of potential young men with each other, and she can feel free to share her heart with her dad, and to share her own insights as to why she thinks it’s a good idea or a bad idea.
Cast the vision of having many children (vv. 59-60; cf. Gen. 1:28; 1 Tim. 5:14)
So they sent away Rebekah their sister and her nurse, and Abraham’s servant and his men.
And they blessed Rebekah and said to her:
“Our sister, may you become
The mother of thousands of ten thousands;
And may your descendants possess
The gates of those who hate them.”– Genesis 24:59-60
Principle 31 is that people should marry with the desire to have children. It was part of the dominion mandate and Paul emphasized that it continued to be a moral imperative in the New Testament (1 Tim. 5:14). Marriage with zero desire to have children is shameful. Onan’s desire to have no children whatsoever by Tamar was judged by God.
Pass on a legacy and vision (vv. 59-60)
Principle 32: Even the fathers of daughters should instill in their daughters a long-term vision for passing on a legacy and taking dominion. I didn’t deal with this as a separate principle, but in passing I would say that it is great if fathers can bless a daughter with property, if they are able to do so. In this case, the property was a slave.
Fathers must relinquish control of their daughters once married (v. 61)
Then Rebekah and her maids arose, and they rode on the camels and followed the man. So the servant took Rebekah and departed.
– Genesis 24:61
Principle 33 is that fathers must relinquish control of their daughters so that they can form a new family. This is especially necessary when you have a Laban who has tendencies of controlling the family. I know one family where it is the mother who constantly seeks to control her daughter’s family. That cannot be tolerated. It is not healthy to allow the grandparents to control the way things are run within the family. Once married, you are your own unit. Of course, you will love and honour your parents, and they will love and try to bless you any way that you can. But in terms of authority, there is a break; there must be a break. In some circles of hyperpatriarchy this is not happening. The fathers are little Labans.
Instill spiritual qualifications of leadership in your sons (vv. 62-63)
Now Isaac came from the way of Beer Lahai Roi, for he dwelt in the South.
And Isaac went out to meditate in the field in the evening; and he lifted his eyes and looked, and there, the camels were coming.
– Genesis 24:62-63
Here is a hint at the spiritual qualifications that Abraham had instilled into Isaac. He was not just a Sunday-go-to-meetin’ Christian. God was part of his life day by day, and here he was out in the fields meditating on God’s revelation. He had personal devotions. And the point is that fathers can instill this kind of a spiritual heritage in their sons quite early.
Be confident that love can grow after marriage (v. 67)
Then Rebekah lifted her eyes, and when she saw Isaac she dismounted from her camel;
for she had said to the servant, “Who is this man walking in the field to meet us?” The servant said, “It is my master.” So she took a veil and covered herself.
And the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done.
Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent; and he took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
– Genesis 24:64-67
The thirty-fifth principle is that we can be confident that love can grow after marriage. It certainly did here. And love is something that must be worked on for the rest of our married lives.