3. Clearly Defining Our Terms

It is very easy for disagreements to happen simply because terms mean different things to different people. The term courtship has often been used to refer to this season, but since it is not a term that is used in the Bible⁹, it is hard to insist on it and choose one definition for it. Indeed, since there are so many different versions of “courtship” circulating in Christian circles,¹⁰ I have been tempted to come up with a totally different word that could describe the period of seeking a spouse that occurs before betrothal. I would like a word that means “pre-romance-investigation,” or “pre-betrothal-consideration,” but have not found one. So instead of using the term “courtship”, I will be using phrases that describe seeking a spouse. I believe that some of the variation in definitions occurs because the Bible gives a great deal of liberty and latitude within boundaries. However, in many cases “courtship” is simply a conservative backlash against loose dating: it is an attempt to move the clock back to Emily Post or the nineteenth century. But the traditions of men are not helpful to those who want to be Biblical, whether those traditions are relatively new or relatively old. In this book I will be disagreeing with the activities that Robert Andrews allows within “courtship.” It is my contention that Andrews has not defined his term carefully enough from the Bible. He has allowed cultural definitions to fill in the gaps in his knowledge and this has led to significant errors.

What a season of discussion is not

It is not “Reformed dating”

Joshua Harris’ approach to courtship has been labeled by some as “safe dating,” or “Reformed dating.” It is dating with parental supervision, with cautions on purity, and with serious intent to discover a marriage partner, but it is still dating. Robert Andrews’ approach, while slightly different, also amounts to a kind of careful Reformed dating. I see no evidence that the Bible allows for anything close to what has been described as dating. Here are the contrasts that I see between the two:

Definition

Dating: “Dating is a shared event between a male and a female … with no commitment to one another and who are themselves primarily responsible for their own supervision while on the date.”¹¹ “Temporary romantic relationship focused on current enjoyment/pleasure without future commitments; usually one of series of relationships.”¹²

Biblical seeking: My definition of Biblical seeking is “A season of seeking the Lord’s will concerning marriage that ordinarily constitutes the paternally supervised process used by two families to keep their children pure while they seek the will of the Lord by testing the evidence for their suitability for marriage to each other, with no deliberate promotion of romance or romantic touch.”

Age & preparation

Dating: Most teens start dating long before they have intentions to marry, and before they have the necessary resources for marriage.

Biblical seeking: “Entered into only after full preparation for marriage is finished: spiritually, financially, etc.” (Prov. 24:27; Gen. 29:18; Gen. 34:12; Ex. 22:16-17; Deut. 22:28-29; 1 Sam. 18:25; etc.)

Relation to family authority

Dating: The couple meets on their own initiative, with minimal supervision (perhaps a curfew or asking where they are going) and often without the need for approval. (May later request permission of father to get engaged.)

Biblical seeking: The man seeks the approval of the woman’s father or guardian before a time of discussion begins. Supervision by the parents of the couple is present throughout (1 Cor. 7:36-38; Ex. 22:16-17; Gen. 2:22).

Purpose

Dating: Rarely do people date with the upfront stated intention of marriage. In fact, this would usually scare would-be daters away. Purpose is usually casual recreation, fun, pleasure with no strings attached.

Biblical seeking: Purpose is always with the serious intent to pursue marriage, or at least to talk through issues to see if marriage is suitable to both (Ruth 2:1-23; 1 Cor. 7:36-38).

Who plans?

Dating: Usually planned by the youths themselves, or sometimes is not even planned (more dangerous).

Biblical seeking: Planned by parents with the cooperation & consent of son/daughter (Judges 14:1-7; 1 Cor. 7:36-38).

View of oversight

Dating: Oversight, chaperoning is resented as being an intrusion of privacy.

Biblical seeking: Oversight, chaperoning is required and welcomed by the couple for moral protection (Deut. 22:15,17,19; 1 Cor 7:36-38; Judges 14:4,7; Hos. 2:19-20; Gen. 34:9).

Privacy

Dating: Complete privacy is permitted by parents and it is usually expected by the couple who is dating.

Biblical seeking: Though a couple may talk together without needing to be overheard, chaperoning is not considered a burden, but a protection (Judges 14:1-10).

Physical

Dating: Physical affection that arouses sexual desires is allowed and expected as being normal.

Biblical seeking: Physical affection that arouses sexual desires is reserved entirely for marriage (Judges 14:1-10; 1 Cor. 7:1; Rom. 3:14; 2 Tim. 2:22; 1 Tim. 5:2; 1 Thes. 4:1-8).

Nature of love emphasized

Dating: Tends to emphasize eros love (romance) and phileo love (friendship). Thus, whether one has the right feelings or has “fallen in love,” tends to be determinative of whether this is Mr. or Mrs. right.

Biblical seeking: Tends to focus on agape love (self-giving) and phileo love (friendship), though feelings are obviously present too. Commitment based, not feelings based. (1 Thes. 4:1-8; 1 Tim. 5:2) More realistic expectation for the sacrificial love needed in marriage (Eph. 5:22-33).

Why do they break up?

Dating: Any number of reasons. However, loss of romantic feelings (“Am I really in love?”) or presence of disagreements tend to be major cause. The lack of objective criteria makes it confusing to know if this person is right for them.

Biblical seeking: Prior to betrothal the primary function of the relationship is discussions to see if marriage should be pursued. Feelings are not as important as fundamental worldview issues, unfaithfulness, disapproval of parents, whether the other person is mature enough or in other ways ready for marriage (1 Thes. 4:1-8; Matt. 1:18-19; etc.).

Safety

Dating: Heart is wounded with emotional scars, bitterness, insecurity from past breakups. This is especially true of women, but can be true of men as well. Men who “scope out the landscape” can raise false hopes.

Biblical seeking: Ordinarily, the heart is protected by one romance for life. Because of the involvement of parents, and the upfront nature of this time, people don’t need to experiment with multiple people to “scope out the landscape” before they are betrothed (1 Cor. 7:34; etc.).

Conscience

Dating: Conscience is almost always defiled and/or seared through increasing foreplay.

Biblical seeking: Conscience is more easily kept pure (1 Thes. 4:1-8; 1 Tim. 5:2; Hos. 2:19-20).

Baggage in marriage

Dating: Sometimes there is much baggage from past romantic (sexual) relationships, emotional bonds, unrealistic standards of comparison and appetite that has been generated for variety and change. Some authorities believe this “trial” mentality sets people up for divorce.

Biblical seeking: Free from the baggage of dating. The relationship starts with commitment to the Lord and to honoring each other (1 Thes. 4:4; Hos. 2:19-20). |

It is not mandated

A second thing that is important to clarify is that this time of discussion between the families is not mandated in Scripture. I am not comfortable with a view that claims the Bible mandates a time of discussion or betrothal, since God Himself gave no time for that purpose for Adam and Eve (Gen. 2:21-25), and other marriages were lawfully covenanted without either (Gen. 24; 1 Sam. 25:35-44). I am not comfortable with a definition that is either more restrictive than the Bible or less restrictive. So, though I recommend a time of discussion as the best and easiest way to implement all of the Biblical principles that we will look at, I do not see it as a Scriptural mandate. Rather, it is my attempt to describe what usually happened in the Biblical finding of a spouse.

It is not a parents-only activity

By “a time of discussion”, I do not simply mean an activity of the parents that leaves the potential groom and bride as passive spectators or timid participants. Though parents on occasion have the authority to mandate a marriage (Ex. 22:16-17), and though it is lawful to bypass this season altogether (Gen. 2:21-25; 24:64-67; Ezek. 16:1-14), a time of serious discussion implies a healthy relationship in which the parents and the children are all maturely seeking the Lord’s will. Certainly the Bible speaks of the man as taking initiative in this process. It speaks of him seeking a wife (1 Cor. 7:27),¹³ finding a wife (Prov. 18:22; 31:10) and taking a wife (Gen. 28:1,6; Lev. 21:7,13). It is this process of seeking and finding that enables the young man to finally decide that he will take her as a wife, which leads to either betrothal or immediate marriage. Nor did the potential bride only have veto power. Though she certainly possessed such a right (Gen. 24:58; Nub. 36:6; Deut. 25:7-9), it is also clear that God expected the women to be prayerfully considering “whom they think best” to marry (Numb. 36:6; 1 Cor. 7:28,39). Though the parents oversee the process, the young couple must be fully involved in the evaluation for it to constitute a time of discussion.

It is not a couple-only activity

However, this time may not ordinarily exclude the parents in the process.¹⁴ The normal pattern was for fathers to “find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage” (Jer. 29:6). They were very involved in the process, often initiating the process.¹⁵ Though the young man and woman are actively involved in finding a spouse, it is the parents who should ideally determine what that will look like – especially the parents of the bride. Scripture is quite clear that the father has authority over his daughter until the day of marriage (1 Cor. 7:36-40; Ex. 22:17). He even has the authority to refuse to give her in marriage if he has lawful reasons (Gen. 24:41; 1 Cor. 3:37-38¹⁶). When the law uses the phrase, “if he utterly refuses to give her to him,” it is implying a father’s ongoing authority over his daughter and protection of his daughter until marriage (Ex. 22:17).

Are there exceptions to this general principle? Yes. Pastors do discover messy situations where the ideal is not possible. For example, God explicitly allows women to come under the protection of a male other than the father,¹⁷ and sometimes that preferred male is not the immediate family (John 19:25-27).¹⁸ As another example, when a father is a pagan or acts like an idolatrous pagan, leaving the home may be necessary. While Naomi encouraged Ruth to go back to her father (Ruth 1:12-15; cf. 2:11), she appears to have been blessed by not doing so (Ruth 1:16ff). Going back to her pagan household would not have been a wise choice. Likewise, a father’s poor economic decisions might place a daughter under another’s authority (Deut. 15:17; Ex. 21:7,20,26-27,32; 23:12; Lev. 25:6,44 for some examples of this less than ideal situation). John Calvin faced at least one situation where church discipline of a father was necessary because of the father’s selfish refusal to allow his daughter to marry. But those exceptions do not deny the rule that ordinarily a father has authority over the daughter until she is married.

Thus, a young man who is seeking to discern God’s will for marriage should abide by her father’s rules. The young man cannot in any way undermine the father’s authority. This pulling of the woman back and forth in a tug of war between two authorities has proved disastrous in many relationships. When the man encourages the girl to buck her father’s authority he is teaching her to undermine his own authority once he is married.

So how does a young man show initiative if the father has total authority? He can show initiative in two ways. First, he can show initiative by pursuing the father, honoring the father, demonstrating his character to the father, and winning the trust of the father. There is no better way of winning the trust of a daughter than winning the trust of a father. Second, once the father trusts the young man sufficiently, he may ask the man to propose some ways in which he might show leadership to the daughter during the season of finding out if marriage is the Lord’s will. This is a great test of the young man’s character and initiative and will help to show to the girl whether this is the kind of leadership that she wants to be under for the rest of her life. We will discuss this in more detail later, but the bottom line is that this time is not merely for asking the father if you can go out on a date and then determining for yourself everything else that happens. Ordinarily the whole season is supervised and directed by the father. This of course does not rule out negotiations (Gen. 24; 48; 1 Sam. 18:17-30) and communication (Gen. 48; Judges 14:7) prior to betrothal, but it is a warning to a young man to not take authority prematurely.

It is not something that warrants congratulations

Fourth, this time is not a stage in the acquisition of a spouse that calls for congratulations. Though it implies that both are interested enough in each other to consider whether marriage might be a possibility, this process should be called off as soon as they discover that they are not interested in marriage, even if that means ending the process after the first interview. This is not akin to going steady. It is purely for the purpose of discovering the Lord’s will on the matter, and discovering His will to the satisfaction of the young man, the young woman, and both sets of parents. As soon as all parties are convinced that this is of the Lord, they should proceed to betrothal (recommended) or marriage (optional).

It is not necessarily a once-only experience

But this of course means that a man may have to pursue more than one woman before he decides whom he is going to marry. If he gains permission from a father to discuss the potential of marriage with the daughter, it is assumed that the father already approves of the young man sufficiently to move things forward. But what if the young woman objects to marriage after a month of getting to know him? Or what if the father discovers circumstances about the man that warrant him not approving of the marriage (1 Cor. 7:36-38)? And what if the young man finds something biblically objectionable in the young woman after one week? That process would be ended, freeing them up to pursue a different person. This time is not a commitment for life like betrothal is. It is a serious testing to discover if marriage is the will of God.

It is not the time intended for developing romance, though if all things go well, romantic love will inevitably start.

This season should not be seen as the time for deliberately developing romance. Though the process will often lead to feelings of romance (see 1 Sam. 18:20 for an example of early romance), the purpose of the time is not to fan the flames of romance but to see if romance should be pursued. During this season, the couple should seek to be as objective as possible in order to carefully evaluate the evidence of whether God would have them marry. Too often the emotions of premature romance cloud the judgment and make couples believe that their love for each other will compensate for major “red flags” that would (on better judgment) preclude marriage. If romance develops too early, the heart is given away before there are adequate grounds for either the parents or the couple to approve on a Biblical basis. But having said that, it is impossible to keep all feelings out of the equation as their friendship progresses – especially if there is every indication that God is leading the couple to marriage. It would not be wrong to develop romantic love, but this is not the purpose. The purpose is to discover quickly if romance should develop.

What a season of discussion is

Having cleared the deck of possible misunderstandings of my position, let me try to define what I mean by “a season of discussion.” To avoid misunderstandings, it is imperative that I give a clear definition of what I mean. I believe this definition will enable those who choose this route to avoid pitfalls and to follow all of the Biblical principles that we will discuss later in the book.

Definition

This book is not being written with any other definition in mind, and it should be judged on the basis of this definition - “this season of discussion ordinarily constitutes the paternally supervised process used by two families to keep their children pure while they seek the will of the Lord by testing the evidence for their suitability for marriage to each other, with no deliberate promotion of romance or romantic touch.” Let’s examine each of the parts of this definition against the touchstone of Scripture.

Flexibility

The first operative word in the definition is “ordinarily.” As we have already seen, this process is an option, not a mandate (Gen. 2:21-25; 24; 38:8; Ex. 22:16-17; Deut. 20:14; 21:10-14; 25:5-10; Ruth 3-4; etc.). If two families are in full agreement that they want to bypass this process, I am fully supportive. Since the only purpose of this season is to discover whether the two people should get married, there is no point in going through the process if that conclusion has already been reached. Tightly knit families who have grown up together may not need a time of discussion, or may only need a very short one. A man and a woman like Boaz and Ruth may have already seen all they needed to see to make an informed decision without need for a more formal discussion.

However, it is rather rare that the period of investigation can be bypassed without missing a lot. If you do not know the other person’s character issues, leadership style, personal disciplines, worldview, calling, work competencies, ability to handle finances, abilities as a peacemaker, theological soundness, etc., then it is likely that you need a period to talk through those things. Ordinarily this time is an extremely helpful thing before any lifelong commitment is made (betrothal).

Paternal Supervision

The next part of the definition indicates that this should ordinarily be a process that is “paternally supervised.” This is one of the key differences with dating. Adam and Eve did not select each other apart from the supervision of their Father (Gen. 2:22). Paul makes clear that this Edenic romance stands as a paradigm for marriage today.¹⁹ Just as the Father gave Eve to Adam, the Father gave the bride to Christ (John 6:36; 1Cor. 1:9), and as one receiving authority from the Father, Paul acts in a fatherly way presenting a chaste bride to Jesus (2 Cor. 11:2). Ordinarily it was the father who initiated and supervised the getting of a wife (Gen. 21:21; 38:6; Ex. 22:16-17; Judges 14:1-2,10; Ezra 9:12; Jer. 29:6; Matt. 22:2; 24:38; Luke 17:27; 20:34-35; 1 Cor. 7:36-38; cf. John 6:44; 17:6), though there were other forms of supervision that were practiced when the father was not alive (Gen. 24:1-41; 29:18-19; 41:45; Ruth 2-3). 1 Corinthians 7:36-38 indicates that the father of the bride continues to have full authority to permit or not permit a wedding. Exodus 22:17 roots this in the law. But the parents of the groom were also responsible to give their guidance and to “take” wives for their sons (Gen. 2:22; 21:21; 24:3,37; 28:1,6; cf. John 6:44; 17:6). This was so thoroughly ingrained in the thinking of Israelites that even a compromised older man like Samson didn’t dare to approach a lady on the subject of marriage apart from the supervision of his parents (Judges 14), though he may no doubt have wanted to (see the compromises with the prostitute in Judges 16). R. J. Rushdoony gives an interesting insight into this “paternal supervision” by giving the definition of the words “bridegroom” and “father-in-law” in the Hebrew:

…the Hebrew word for bridegroom means “the circumcised,” the Hebrew word for father-in-law means he who performed the operation of circumcision, and the Hebrew word for mother-in-law is similar. This obviously had no reference to the actual physical rite, since Hebrew males were circumcised on the eighth day. What it meant was that the father-in-law ensured the fact of spiritual circumcision, as did the mother-in-law, by making sure of the covenantal status of the groom. It was their duty to prevent a mixed marriage. A man could marry their daughter, and become a bridegroom, only when clearly a man under God.²⁰

The Biblical evidence for the father’s authority in this matter was so strong that it was not questioned in the church until recent times. Tertullian (150-220 AD) said, “even upon earth, indeed, sons do not legitimately marry without the consent of their fathers.”²¹ In 370 AD Basil said in Canon XLII, “Slaves marrying without the consent of their masters, or children without consent of their fathers, it is not matrimony but fornication, till they ratify it by consenting.”²² These were declarations that marriage was not made by a sexual act but was made by a covenant ceremony.²³ And more to the point of our current discussion, the covenant of marriage was under the authority of the parents, and especially the father. While our individualistic age might consider such language odd, this opinion was seen throughout the church. The Westminster Assembly wisely recognized this paternal authority as having exceptions, such as when a father was dead.²⁴ However, the exceptions ought to reinforce the rule in our minds. Scripture knows nothing of the unsupervised “dating” culture that started in the 1900s.

Scripture indicates that this principle of paternal oversight was true even for older women, divorced women, and widowed women. They ordinarily remained under the authority of their fathers or some other male relative until they were given in marriage (Gen. 24:41, 29:19; 34:8; Ex. 22:17; 1 Cor. 7:38; etc). Divorced or widowed women either came under the protective covering of their father (Gen. 38:11; Lev. 22:13), a son (John 19:25-27), a grandson (1 Tim. 5:4), a member of the family (1 Tim. 5:16), a friend of the family (John 19:25-27) or—in cases where the woman was truly “left alone” (1 Tim. 5:5)—she could come under the protective care of an elder (2 John; 1 Tim. 5:1-19). Such protective care was considered a blessing. Where there was no protective care of a male (such as the case of Naomi and Ruth), the kinsman redeemer often stepped in. While one could argue that widowhood “freed” a woman from such submission, the pervasive evidence seems to treat the plight of widowhood as a curse (Ex. 22:24) that needed the protection of law (Ex. 22:22; Deut. 10:18; 14:29; 16:11,14; 24:17,19-21; 26:12-13; 27:19), and which was remedied as soon as possible by marriage (Deut. 25:5; Ruth; 1 Tim. 5:14), or (if meeting the Biblical qualifications) being employed by and under the authority of the church (1 Tim. 5:9-10). In any case, I am at least arguing that paternal supervision is the ideal for any part of the process leading to marriage.

Discussion, Betrothal, and Marriage Under Family Jurisdiction

The next phrase in the definition says, “discussion ordinarily constitutes the paternally supervised process used by two families…” This is seeking to make it clear that all issues involved from the beginning of the discussion process to marriage are clearly within the jurisdiction of the family and can ordinarily be concluded without the permission of either church or state. There is no evidence in Scripture that either the church or the state issued licenses of any sort.

This does not mean that church or state have no jurisdiction. Both church and state may and should forbid all marriages that violate Biblical law. For example, it was lawful for Paul to forbid marriage that violated the laws of consanguinity and to engage in church discipline when those laws were violated (1 Cor. 5:1-13).²⁵ It was lawful for the church to forbid divorce that did not meet biblical requirements (1 Cor. 7:12-13). Thus to claim that the church has no jurisdiction over marriage whatsoever is going too far. Likewise, it was lawful for the state to forbid divorces in certain circumstances (Deut. 22:19,29)²⁶ and to mandate divorces in certain circumstances (Ezra 10).²⁷ So it is clear that the State also has some limited jurisdiction. Just as the state should not recognize certain contracts as legally binding contracts (contracts for murder, prostitution, kidnapping, etc.), the state should not recognize certain marriage covenants as lawful within the state (incestuous marriage, polyandry, homosexual marriage, etc.). But there is a vast difference between having statutory definitions of lawful marriage and setting up a police state that prevents unlawful marriages by means of a licensing system. The moment the state tries to prevent sins or crimes (as opposed to punishing crimes at the petition of citizens) it slides down a pathway into total control and total tyranny.

Marriage licenses are a modern phenomenon that should be resisted by Christians.²⁸ For a helpful discussion of the Biblical and practical problems involved in all forms of civil licensing (medical, food, service, housing, etc.), see E. Calvin Beisner’s book, Prosperity and Poverty: The Compassionate Use of Resources in a World of Scarcity. There is no biblical evidence that God ever authorized the state to license anything. This is certainly true of marriages. If the marriage qualifies as a Biblical marriage (not within the bounds of consanguinity, not a homosexual marriage, not a polyandrous marriage, etc.) the state and church do not need to get involved. For example, was the wedding of Isaac to Rebekah a church wedding (Gen. 24)? No. Was the state involved? No. It was clearly a covenant entered into by two heads of household - Abraham the father of Isaac and Laban the brother of Rebekah. Nor is there the slightest hint that families had to obtain permission from either church or state for any other part of discussion, betrothal, or marriage. This does not mean that citizens are sinning by reluctantly obtaining a marriage license to avoid problems, but the state itself is overstepping its authority when it requires marriage licenses. When I perform a wedding, I do not do so by the authority of the state or by the authority of the church, but by the authority delegated to me by the fathers. My presence is also a tacit statement by the families that they are not doing anything that would violate biblical laws governing marriage. Though attempts to break a marriage covenant can be disciplined by a church and prevented by the state, the marriage itself is a public covenant between two families.

In Purity

The next part of the definition says, “to keep their children pure…” Anyone who understands the power of the flesh will immediately identify with the strong cautions and warnings that the Scriptures give to young couples during this stage of their search for a spouse. It is all too easy to give in to the cravings of the flesh and to commit fornication. Modern methods of dating almost guarantee failure in the area of purity. In 1 Thessalonians 4 Paul discusses this point of purity rather strongly when he admonishes the Thessalonians on “how to acquire their own spouse in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God” (vv. 4-5). He wanted the methods for acquiring a wife to be conformed to Scripture, not the customs of culture. We will later give a detailed exposition of verses 1-8.

Seeking the Will of God

The next part of the definition says, “while they seek the will of the Lord.” Proverbs 14:19 says “a prudent wife is from the LORD.” If a good wife is from the Lord, it means that those who seek a good wife must be studying His Word and seeking His guidance. The whole time must be God-centered rather than following the “philosophies” and “principles” of the world (Col. 2:6-8). Marriage should not be seen simply as a plan for economic advancement. It is to be seen as the calling of God for two individuals to be committed to each other for life. Both individuals must seek God’s guidance and the parents should seek God’s guidance on their behalf. In the case of Adam and Eve, both had the same parent, and that parent happened to be God, so the guidance was clear. In the case of Isaac and Rebekah, God’s guidance was clearly given to the servant and the parents of the bride (Gen. 24, especially verses 40,48-52), but neither Isaac nor Rebekah acted on the guidance until they were convinced in their own mind that this was from God. Rebekah said, “I will go” (v. 58) and only after “the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done” (v. 66) did Isaac decide to marry her (v. 67). The Puritan writer Richard Baxter wisely said, “…if the consent of the parents be necessary, much more is the consent of God.”²⁹

Before I move on, I need to correct a tendency in some circles to pit trust in God for finding a mate against active seeking. Tom Ha uck is one of many who advocate total passivity as they trust God to bring a spouse to their doorstep. In a chapter titled, “Finding vs. Searching for a Mate,” Pastor Tom says that when Scripture speaks of finding a wife (Prov. 18:22) it is not advocating seeking a wife. He says, “think of it more as a surprise discovery rather than the results of effort put into searching.”³⁰

He gives two illustrations to try to prove that we should not put effort into searching for a spouse. The first is from the parable of the growing seed in Mark 4. Hauck says,

After he plants it, it doesn’t matter if he sleeps or is awake, the seed sprouts and the man doesn’t have to even know how it does that. It is not knowing how it will happen that makes it happen; it is just believing it will.³¹

His second illustration is of God’s bringing a spouse to Adam. He says,

In God’s pattern for marriage, as found in Genesis, chapter two, what did Adam do to find his mate? What was he doing just before he met Eve? He was sleeping – not searching, but sleeping. Sleeping represents trust and peace. Adam didn’t have to search for Eve, God brought her to him.³²

He also believes that Paul forbids searching for a spouse in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. He says,

Searching isn’t biblical because it doesn’t match with God’s call for being single. It doesn’t allow the undivided, undistracted devotion to the Lord required in 1 Corinthians 7:35. A searcher’s interest is divided and he/she cannot give one hundred percent to God.³³

There are five problems with this approach to Scripture. First, to pit divine sovereignty against human responsibility is hyper-Calvinism and is not Biblical. Scripture indicates that a total trust in God frees us to act upon our responsibilities. For example, Philippians 2:12-13 says

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

It is the very fact that God makes us willing and actually works in us the doing of good works that enables us to work at it so diligently. We work out what God works in. We must never pit divine working against human working. The first enables the second.

Even Hauck’s illustrations bear this out. A farmer who does not research, investigate problems, and work hard at farming will not receive a harvest. Certainly it is God who gives the farmer life, breath, a farm, rain, and productive seed. Yet God does not do it apart from man’s actions. God blesses the farmer with a crop not because he sleeps, but because the farmer had a future oriented focus on planting, nurturing, and harvesting. The same was true of Adam. It is simply not correct to say that Adam did not search. God made all creatures in pairs except for Adam, and as Adam named the creatures, the implication of the text was that he was looking for his pair. Notice the “but” of contrast in Genesis 2:20.

So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.

He had obviously been looking. God gave him this assignment to name the animals so that he could notice the disparity of every creature having a mate except for him. It was deliberate. God was making Adam look. And this was before the Fall, so we cannot say that what Adam did was wrong. “But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him (emphasis mine).”

Third, the Bible over and over calls upon people to search and to seek for a godly mate. Jeremiah 29:6 commands the remnant in Babylon, “find wives for your sons” (NIV). Contrary to the claims of Hauck, the Hebrew word for “find” in Proverbs 18:22 and 31:10 is not a passive discovery void of seeking. Indeed, in the ancient Septuagint translation of the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for find (מָצָא) is almost always translated with the Greek word hurisko (εὑρισκω), which means, “to come upon something through a purposeful search” or “to discover intellectually through reflection, observation, examination, or investigation, find, discover, (emphasis mine).”³⁴ Though it can occasionally refer to something found accidentally, the following Scriptures show that the word for “find” (מָצָא) is not at all in contradiction to the words for “seek” (בָּקַשׁ, or דָּרַשׁ or שָׁחַר)

…if you seek (בָּקַשׁ) the Lord, you shall find (מָצָא) him.
– Deut. 4:29

…and you will seek (בָּקַשׁ) me and find (מָצָא) me when you search for me with all your heart.
– Jer. 29:13

Seek (דָּרַשׁ) the Lord, while he may be found (מָצָא)
– Isa 55:6

Fourth, Hauck cannot appeal to 1 Corinthians 7 as supporting his claim that a single must be undistracted from thoughts of a spouse since the context was not ordinary situations relating to singleness, but a temporary need “because of this present distress” (v. 26) that would produce “trouble in the flesh” that Paul wanted to spare them from (v. 28) and was not a universal “commandment from the Lord” (v. 25). What was a universal commandment was “let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (v. 2) and what was a temporary advice was “Do not seek a wife” (v. 27). But even that temporary command implied that when people were prepared to get married and the situation was right, it was proper to seek a wife.

Finally, it should be noted that submission to God’s guidance is not contrasted with marrying someone whom you desire. God’s command to even women was, “let them marry whom they think best” (Numb. 36:6). That implies a process of thinking through the issues, not passively waiting for God’s guidance. Likewise, 1 Corinthians 7:39 does not pit God’s guidance (“in the Lord”) against a person’s personal wishes (“whom she wishes”). Instead, it says, “A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” When God gives “liberty” to seek, it is legalism to condemn such seeking, so long as the seeking follows biblical principles.

Time of Serious Evaluation of Each Other

The next part of the definition is “by testing of the evidence for their suitability for marriage…” This is the biggest decision two families will make, and it is imperative that they seek the mind of the Lord. The purpose of this process is not to romance someone who may not end up becoming your wife. It is not to get physically involved without a commitment. It is not even to woo the heart of the bride. It is see if God wants her to be the bride. It is to seek God’s mind on the subject. The reason Adam did not need to test the evidence of whether Eve should be his bride was because God had already done that for him (Gen. 2:21-25). The reason Isaac did not need to test the evidence is because he trusted his father’s servant to follow instructions and to thoroughly test the evidence for him (Gen. 24:1-67). But the evidence needs to be tested in some way before a commitment to marriage is made. Both the man and the woman need to have the maturity that will enable them to be spiritually one (Mal. 2:15) and to raise “godly offspring” (Mal. 2:15). There needs to be evidence that the woman fits the husband’s calling since she is to be “a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18,20 NASB). This means that if he is called to be a missionary to headhunters, she needs to know that. It would not be proper for a woman to marry a man if she is convinced that she has disabilities that would keep her husband from pursuing God’s call upon his life. Women who desire to marry men who might be officers in the church must themselves be developing the qualities of 1 Tim. 3:11; Titus 2:3-5; etc. The main purpose for this season is research. It is not (as one person worded it) “a reformed version of dating.” It is a time of serious investigation, and as soon as the research shows that they are not meant for each other, it should be called off. As soon as they know that they are meant for each other, the relationship should progress to commitment (betrothal). A time of seeking the Lord’s will regarding marriage should only last as long as the families are undecided.

There are two helpful books that I have written to help in this process of evaluation. There is a book for men called, Leader Development: A Mentoring Checklist for Sons and Young Men. This book is divided up into 32 areas of life with 586 diagnostic questions. Most men will be growing in these areas all of their lives, so the point of the book is not to see if a man has arrived, but to serve as a starting point for evaluating the man’s character qualities, leadership style, worldview, calling, competencies, etc.

The second book is Mature Daughters: A Mentoring Checklist for Daughters and Young Women. This book is divided up somewhat differently, but has 680 diagnostic questions designed to see where a daughter is at in preparing herself to be a helper to her future husband. Again, no woman will be finished growing in all of these areas prior to marriage, but the book helps a person to consider whether the woman is qualified in some measure to be married.

For the Purpose of Seeking Marriage

The seventh part of the definition has already been implied in the previous part of the definition, but it is worth emphasizing that the purpose of the time is not recreation, fun, good feelings, fellowship, or an answer to loneliness. Those things will no doubt occur, but unlike most dating, there is one central purpose – to seriously evaluate whether to marry a particular person. If you are not serious about marriage, you shouldn’t be looking into the possibility.

The Bible speaks of the purpose for this period as being to “seek a wife” (1 Cor. 7:27). When difficult circumstances made it unwise to get married,³⁵ Paul said that it was just as unwise to seek a spouse.³⁶ His advice was that until those circumstances that made marriage unwise were changed that “it is good for the man to remain as he is” (v. 26) and to “not seek a wife” (v. 27). But by implication it would also mean that no one should start a discussion process until they are ready for marriage financially, spiritually, doctrinally and in terms of competencies. Without readiness for marriage, the discussion is not serious. Until ready for marriage, virgins should remain uninvolved in the distractions of relationship (vv. 32-35), and try to remain focused on “how he may please the Lord” (v. 32). Every Biblical example of a man righteously spending “quality time” with a woman in whom he was interested was for the purpose of seeking a wife, not simply for the purpose of fun (See for example Gen. 24:3-4,7,37,38,40; 28:1-2,6; Lev. 21:7,13-14; Deut. 21:11; 22:13; 24:1; Ruth 4; Prov. 18:22; 31:10; Jer. 29:6; etc.). This is why young teenagers should not date. They are not old enough to get married. Avoiding premature marriage (1 Cor. 7:28-40) logically rules out entering into a premature relationship (vv. 26-27).

Concern for the Welfare of the Two Courting

The next part of the definition says, “to each other.” God cares about the individual needs and interests of both the females (Numb. 36:6; Deut. 25:5-10; Ruth 2-4; 1 Timothy 5:14; 1 Cor. 7:36) and the males (Deut. 21:11; Judges 21:16; Prov. 18:22; 19:14; 1 Cor. 7:9) who are courting. This is not as much about the parents’ interests and welfare as it is about the welfare of the two individuals who are courting and the will of God in their lives. Both of those children were placed by God “under guardians and stewards until the time appointed by the Father” (Gal. 4:2). As stewards we will be answerable to God for how we treat them during this time. Will they come away frustrated at our selfishness or praising God that we were faithful stewards? Though a father has authority to say “No” to a suitor (Ex. 22:17; 1 Cor. 7:37), the father must be very sure that the “No” is in the best interests of both young people.³⁷

Sometimes parents have agendas for marrying off their children that are self-serving rather than stewardship agendas that are seeking the interests of the children. To marry a daughter off for wealth, position, power, connections, prestige or anything else that is purely self-serving and not in the interests of the children is wrong. Both individuals who are seeking marriage must be convinced that God wants them married. There is no Biblical justification for shotgun marriages. There is no Biblical justification for parents arranging marriages against the wills of their children. Even though Isaac and Rebekah trusted the guidance that God gave through other parties (Gen. 24:48-53), and even though that guidance was rather remarkable (Gen. 24:12-22,40-52), all the parties who were involved knew that Rebekah must still agree to be married (Gen. 24:39-41,57-58), as must Isaac (Gen. 24:66-67). This implies that both Rebekah and Isaac were part of this investigation of the “evidence.” Though the interests of the family do have a bearing (see for example Numb. 36:1-13), it is still important that the interests of the individuals not be neglected.

The purpose of the father is not to intimidate or needlessly scare away suitors. The purpose of the parent is not to hold onto his daughter as long as he can. The purpose of the parent is to discharge a stewardship trust before God of facilitating his daughter entering into a godly marriage. Biblical principles can be used as a tool of blessing or as a club to keep away all suitors. Make sure that you always keep in mind the welfare of those who are pursuing marriage.

Avoiding Most Romantic Actions

The last part of the definition is the phrase, “with no deliberate promotion of romance or romantic touch.” Obviously romantic attachments can easily happen before betrothal (see Genesis 28:19), and in most circumstances it is impossible to keep one’s heart from becoming romantically attached. In fact, it is assumed that some degree of romantic love will persuade two young people to desire to enter a time of discussion, and eventually to decide to get betrothed. However, that is not the central purpose. The central purpose is to find out if you should get married, and to that end, it is wise to seek to protect each other’s hearts during that investigation. While a season of discussion is the time for determining whether the couple should lawfully be involved in romance, betrothal is the time when romance is more fully developed. We will later discuss the implications of Paul’s command, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (1 Cor. 7:1) We will also discuss the meaning of the Song of Solomon’s call, “Do not arouse, do not stir up love before it’s time” (Song. 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). Suffice it to say at this point that romantic feelings tend to blind a couple from objectivity during this time of investigation.