Thus Spoke the Programmer
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Thus Spoke the Programmer

A Fictional Memoir

About the Book

The critically acclaimed memoir. Anecdotes, aphorisms, assertions, assumptions, quips, thrusts, japes and screeds.

Don't let the title put you off if you're not a programmer. The book is guaranteed to delight both technical and non-technical readers alike.

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  • Categories

    • Management
    • Humor and Satire
    • Software Engineering
    • Computers and Programming
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About the Author

Paul Epps
Paul Epps

Paul Epps is a writer, programmer, teacher, problem solver, and teacher of problem solving. He has a graduate degree in computer science from the University of Southern California (Fight On!) and lives in Orange County, CA.     

Table of Contents

  • A Fictional Memoir
  • Pain in the Neck
  • Daddy’s Home
  • A Strong Hand on the ‘Rudder’
  • Incan Gold
  • If Fame is What You Seek
  • Whale Cams
  • Wasted Time
  • Overpromise and Underdeliver
  • Overheard I
  • Pizzas and Programmers
  • Overheard II
  • It May Depend on the Temperature of the Coffee
  • The Dopeler Effect
  • Thoughts on Starting a New Job
  • Mentoring
  • Refrigerators
  • Things That Pop Up and Poke You in the Eye
  • Good News, Bad News
  • Milestones
  • Don’t Invite Me
  • A Brilliant Waste of Time
  • Teaching Computer Science
  • Minimizing Retention
  • Profiles in Management: The Liar
  • Christmas at the Office
  • Inspired Idiocy
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of I
  • Diplomacy
  • No Work Today
  • I’ve Lost Another Friend
  • Always “Ass…”
  • Bubbles and Lines
  • Goofus on Software
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of II
  • The Death of Alan Turing
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of III
  • The Programmer’s Interview Tips: You’re a 10 in Everything
  • Hard Deadlines
  • Passive-Aggressive Team Members
  • I Object to Doing Things That Don’t Make Sense
  • Time
  • Risky Business
  • I Am a Programmer
  • Time-Saving Tips
  • When is Diversity Not a Dilemma?
  • Working Late
  • You Can Have My Job
  • Teaching Computer Science: Remembering Names
  • Americans are Mathematically Illiterate
  • Stuff They Don’t Teach You in School
  • Global Warming
  • Into the Digital Abyss
  • If You Love It So Much, Why Don’t You Marry It?
  • This Scam Still Needs a Little Work
  • Man Plans, God Laughs
  • Crafting a Mission Statement by General George S. Patton Jr.
  • Teaching Computer Science: Diversity for Girls Only
  • Death Watch
  • Informed Consent
  • Fast Work
  • Pesto Pete
  • The Disconnect Between Hope and Reality
  • Father-Son Wisdom
  • Voice-Activated Copiers
  • Home Runs
  • Teaching Computer Science: Would Jesus Tow My Car?
  • Overheard III
  • Massive Accountability
  • Completion Percentages
  • Action is Eloquence
  • Profiles in Management: The Baffled Bigwig
  • The Great Chair Race
  • The Prepared Mind
  • Do You Read Me?
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of IV
  • Hearing Voices
  • Teaching Computer Science: No School After Halloween
  • Automatic for the People
  • Predicting the Unpredictable
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of V
  • 51 Responses for the Software Professional
  • An Open Letter to My Former Employer
  • Profiles in Management: The Golfer
  • Basically Done
  • Best Practices
  • How to Answer Interview Questions in 3 Easy Steps
  • Email from a Bird
  • Life Imitates HTTP
  • Intelligent Appliances
  • Every New Feature is a New Failure Point
  • I’m Addressing the Shortage of Women in Technology
  • I Know Lots of Different Languages
  • A Ready Answer on Diversity
  • The One-Sentence Motivator
  • Standard Methods = Standard Results
  • I’m Easily Annoyed
  • Teaching Computer Science: Mindset
  • The Perfect Summer Beverage
  • Employee Surveys
  • Overheard IV
  • Pats on the Head
  • Big Fishes in Small Ponds
  • Overheard V
  • Occupational Intensity
  • Drowning in Chocolate
  • Teaching Computer Science: Exam Tips from the Pros
  • LinkedIn Recommendation I
  • How to Get on My Bad Side
  • Office Practical Jokes
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of VI
  • Teaching Computer Science: Lessons Learned
  • Overheard VI
  • Overheard VII
  • Genius or Geek?
  • Teaching Computer Science: Those Who Don’t Like to Read
  • Your Résumé is Quite Impressive
  • With a Little Bit of Luck
  • Teaching Computer Science: Ski Week
  • By Way of Explanation
  • Hey, Fat Ass!
  • You Remind Me of Superman
  • Teaching Computer Science: Pro Tips for Finishing a Project
  • Ruby on Rails for Rubes
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of VII
  • Unimpressed
  • Overheard VIII
  • Tradeoffs
  • New TGIF Policy in Effect
  • Skills Pretty Much Required
  • Antipattern: Exactly on Schedule
  • Falling Down Stairs
  • Profiles in Management: The Poker Face
  • More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of VIII
  • Overheard IX
  • April Fools
  • A Sad Case
  • Teaching Computer Science: Incentives (or Lack Thereof)
  • Teaching Computer Science: The Last Minute
  • We Don’t Have the Money, So We Have to Think
  • LinkedIn Recommendation II
  • How Are You?
  • Changing Requirements
  • Talking to Recruiters
  • Overheard X
  • Teaching Computer Science: Combating Procrastination
  • Presentation Tips: Get to the Fucking Point
  • Overheard XI
  • Teaching Computer Science: Extra Credit
  • Teaching Computer Science: Ask More Questions
  • Roseville
  • A Project Management Question
  • Bad Interview Question
  • Hiring the Best
  • Teaching Computer Science: The Last Day
  • Overheard XII
  • My Next Career

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