Introduction

In the interest of making the discoveries we stumbled across available for other trauma survivors, I'm forgoing the usual book creation process, and am focusing in the short term on outlining the procedure we established and the prerequisites in a manner I hope can be replicable by other survivors and their therapists.

My procedure for cannabis assisted trauma therapy…

Primary Prerequisites

Cannabis - vaped (preferred) or smoked. Edibles may or may not work as the effect and duration are less predictable. Familiarity with effects is essential, therefore previous/current use of medical cannabis is ideal. In my four primary sessions I found that the more potent the dose, the more powerful the catharsis.

Mindfulness - a solid mindfulness practice is essential. The survivor needs to be able to maintain a dual awareness throughout the procedure with one awareness as objective observer and inner therapist. C-PTSD survivors that are "self-conscious" have a hidden advantage in developing such a practice.

Meditation/Breathing - at the core of the procedure is the ability to stimulate the vagus nerve via meditative breathing that greatly emphasizes out-breath over in-breath to clear the mind to the here-and-now. I do this by taking a short but full in-breath followed by a slow out-breath with mild resistance as in humming aiming for about 4-6 cycles per minute. I combine this with body position to further increase vagal tone. This includes holding an "open" body position with palms up, shoulders back, face up with a smile (even if forced). This requires practice along with mindfulness for the survivor to be able to approach their trauma while also maintaining an objective distance. This is critical to prevent the survivor from becoming re-enmeshed with their trauma. This is also critical in preventing cannabis induced anxiety, thus making it accessible for its psychedelic properties. It's possible that stimulating the vagus nerve after ingesting cannabis creates a synergy of hyper vagal stimulation as cannabis enhances a number of sensory inputs.

Setting - We found that a favorable setting is a room with dim lighting that affords privacy from outside noise, as well as noise that will be generated during the session. A large, comfortable chair with arm rests and height that allows a survivor to keep both feet on the ground is ideal for staying grounded while affording some room for possible seizure-like intense grieving. If performed at a therapist's office, the therapist should remain silent and observe once the procedure has started.

Psychodynamics - a solid, fundamental understanding of how humans release traumatic energy through grieving and angering is essential. I found Pete Walker's insight about the grieving process in From Surviving To Thriving served well for this purpose. The procedure requires the survivor to act as their own therapist from a knowledge standpoint. This is because the survivors mind will dictate the direction of trauma processing as the procedure unfolds.

Accessible Trauma - During a number of preliminary cannabis sessions past traumas that had been "forgotten" bubbled to the surface and were known at the time of the procedures. It's unknown what effect repressed traumatic memories bubbling to the surface would have on the procedure if they are especially difficult events. It seems best that one has a good, conscious understanding of their past traumas. We found that initiating the procedure during an emotional flashback made trauma access much easier.

Nutrition - The grieving sessions are physically demanding. Physiologically something happens in the brain that causes whole body muscle contractions in almost a seizure like fashion. My second session was limited by my lack of food intake prior. That said, I did not feel like the process forced me to go beyond what I could handle physically at the time.

Secondary Prerequisites

Emotional Flashbacks (EF) - being in an active emotional flashback means traumatic memories are bubbling to the surface of consciousness. We discovered this can be the ideal time to perform this procedure in order to confront trauma memories and elicit catharsis. EFs are not necessary given that one may wish to engage in this process at their therapist's office, but accessing key memories to elicit catharsis may take longer.

Life Situation - I was able to gain a little distance from my most recent abusive situation, and I think it makes sense that being in a situation of active abuse or ongoing trauma would make this procedure next to impossible.

Advocate - I had two people in my life at that time who had my back in a completely non-judgmental way. One was my therapist. The other was my girlfriend. I've read that the experts recommend having a relationship with at least one person who's aware of and encourages a survivors recovery efforts.

Medications - SSRIs and anti-psychotics, which I've taken in the past, would have likely prevented me from the last step of connecting my cognitive brain with my emotional brain. I would recommend not being on any medication that can cause an internal numbing or fogginess. Also, while experience with cannabis is essential, ingesting too much on a regular basis creates a tolerance level that would limit any effect.

Exercise - while not an essential prerequisite, I had an active cardio and resistance training program allowing for more cerebral blood flow and physical stamina for cathartic grieving.

Knowledge - Upon becoming "trauma-informed", I did a deep dive into the neuroscience (Polyvagal Theory), psychodynamics, attachment theory, treatment modalities both cognitive and somatic, and even the anthropology related to PTSD. This allowed me to maintain an objective perspective during dual-awareness. It was very helpful to discover that all the symptoms of PTSD were at one point in human history adaptive survival mechanisms that allowed our species to survive in time of famine, natural disaster and war. They were provided by the 98% of human evolution which took place when we were hunter-gatherers.

The Process for Eliciting a Cathartic Grieving Session

This is the general process my therapist and I developed after trial and error with some preliminary sessions.

The ideal time to begin a session is in the midst of an emotional flashback, but not necessary. I achieved catharsis during the first session at my therapist's office, but the sessions performed late at night when my EFs were at their worst, felt much more powerful and thorough.

Step 0: Preparation

I would read Pete Walker's writings on grieving and angering or something similar to set the therapeutic tone of the session, while making sure I have adequate intake of carbs for the energy expenditure ahead.

Step 1: Ingest Cannabis

I would then vape one or two dabs of potent cannabis concentrate. I prefer indica strains for their higher CBD content resulting in less anxiolysis.

Step 2: Vagus Nerve Stimulation

Immediately following ingestion, I sit in the designated room with low lights, no outside noise, and feet on the ground. I begin meditative (conscious) breathing and body positioning to stimulate my vagus nerve, prevent any anxiogenesis from the cannabis, and initiate an overall state of relaxation. I take very fast in-breath gulps filling my lungs, and then exhale slowly with resistance (humming) aiming for a total of 4-6 breath cycles per minute.

For body position I hold what I call the "Holy Spirit pose" where my palms and head face upwards with a smile (fake) on my face, and open shoulders. I focus on conscious breath for usually 5-10 minutes, and up to 30 minutes. After approximately 5 minutes I begin visualizations to elicit catharsis. If unable to reach catharsis after 20-30 minutes, I would abort and try again another day.

Step 3: Visualization

After about 5 minutes of breathing using "dual awareness" mindfulness I will begin visualizations until I find one that "strikes a chord". One half of the dual awareness is seeing myself as an unconditionally loving parent / therapist who can view my historical traumas from an objective distance so as to not become re-enmeshed in them. The other half of the dual awareness is visualizing myself at ages of traumatic events or periods in my life such as myself as a two year old toddler.

I might have to run through several images and scenarios to find the one that resonates. I found the keystone was giving my toddler-self permission to feel without judgment - judgment from myself and those around me. Images that resulted in cathartic grieving included holding my two year old self in my lap, stroking his hair, and giving him permission to cry for all the hurt and loss in childhood for as long as he wanted. Another in the last session featured myself taking my toddler-self to the playground to play in the sand box for the very first time and showing him how to share his toys and to remember that other children have feelings too.

These were highly personal images representing situations where my mother never allowed me to cry or never taught me how to play with other children- basic developmental arrests. The key was treating my two year old self in a way that he always wanted to be treated but never received plus giving him a new found freedom to feel and embrace his emotions - true re-parenting. I believe this can be generalized to all types of trauma that can be experienced in childhood because the corrective experience of ideal re-parenting is something anyone with childhood trauma craves.

Due to the nature of free-form visualization required to launch into a catharsis I found my therapist's voice to be more of a distraction than a help. That said, a therapist may be helpful in suggesting visualizations if catharsis hasn't been achieved within 15-20 minutes.

Step 4: Catharsis

If I was successful in finding an image that "struck a chord", the breathing would be interrupted by a "choking up" of emotion. I would try to stay with the image while noticing increasing sobbing, or if the sobbing died down I'd return to the breathing and visualization. As sobbing increases to an otherworldly sound I would notice my body curling up into a convulsive ball of muscle contraction. I would stay with the visualization in order to continue being in trauma catharsis. At this point I found that I could speak to my inner toddler who would speak back to me using basic emotions. Imagining that I was sorry for ignoring my toddler-self and promising to always listen to him brought even stronger sobbing . Not all sobbing was grief based either. In latter sessions, the sobbing reflected intense laughter at the relief of freedom from my traumatic chains.

I believe the sobbing and muscle contractions were produced by my limbic system resetting back to a non-trauma mode state. In my second session the catharsis was limited due to not having enough nutritional energy in my body. I found it critical to maintain "dual awareness" mindfulness throughout the cathartic grieving in order to keep it going. At no point did I get the sense of being out of control or that the trauma was too overwhelming to the point of having to discontinue. I believe that if this were the case, then something was wrong with my level of mindfulness.

Step 5: Integration and Followup

After the first cannabis assisted session at my therapist's office on a Wednesday, I had one the following Saturday and Monday at my home. I decided to cancel the cannabis session the following week in order to integrate the experience with my therapist. During that session and others we tracked symptoms and noticed that my uncontrollable, hair trigger anger had diminished, same for my emotional flashbacks, self-hatred, and existential anxiety. I also noticed that I'm able to cry tears of sorrow and joy much more freely now. The final gift from these sessions is the knowledge that I cannot be further traumatized because I can and do perform "maintenance sessions" on a regular basis.

**** END OF PROCEDURE ***

Notes to myself, blog posts, support forum comments, ideas, and any other ingredients for the ugly sausage making of book writing follows and my or may not be coherent:

idea: describe the conversation between my left brain and right brain in the imagery of parent holding upset toddler in lap giving him permission to cry for as long as he wants to while the parent comforts and strokes his hair

idea: using dates describe police encounters for yelling and swearing

idea: "I'll give you something to cry about!"

Introduction

Chapter 1 : describe the 3rd session process, details

Chapter 2 : genesis of my C-PTSD

Chapter 3 : describe the 1st session

Chapter 4 : adolescent years

Chapter 5 : describe 2nd session

Chapter 6 : adult years - patterns

Chapter 7 : describe 4th session

Chapter 8 : becoming trauma-informed

Chapter 9 : challenges ahead

tags & topics:

catharsis,

grieving, angering,

cannabis, psychedelic assisted therapy, THC

mindfulness, dual awareness

fragmentation, integration

Polyvagal theory, neuroscience

top-down, cognitive psychotherapy, bottom up, somatic therapy

ANS, SNS, PNS, ENS

vagal stimulation: Holotropic breathing, hot->cold shower, Holy Spirit pose

microdosing, LSD, Psilocybin

MDMA, ketamine, MAPS.org studies

Ayahuasca

BigPharma, BigPsychiatry profits, DSM - bad drugs, symptoms as disorders, Van Der Kolk

Pete Walker - from surviving to thriving - grieving, flashbacks, EFs

limbic system, PFC, amygdala, hippocampus, right brain, left brain, mammals

hypervigilance, dissociation, cable political news, drug ads

anthropology, hunter-gatherers, evolution, natural defenses, famine, wild animals, warring tribes, natural disasters

disorder, disease, altered state

DTD, attachment disorder, maternal bonding, mirroring, social development

Western society, rugged individualism, emotional display, stiff upper lip, military decorum

therapists, trauma-informed, psychiatrists, psychologists, good-enough therapy

somatic therapies- Somatic Experiencing, SensoryMotor, EMDR, NF, vagus nerve stim, breathing

drugs- anti-convulsants, nootropics, prophylactics, anti-depressants, other

exercise, interval training, cardio, resistance, powerlifting, stretching, heat therapy

My boring, sad story…

Until recently I suffered from a mental health condition called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).

I don't like the words "suffered" or "disorder" in my previous sentence, but I'll get to that later. For now that's the best way to describe my condition given the current terminology used in the American mental health system. C-PTSD is not currently listed in the DSM 5 the diagnostic manual currently in use for applying mental health diagnoses for treatment, medication, and insurance purposes. It probably won't be listed in the DSM anytime soon. I'll get to that later as well. It will, however, be listed in the next version of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

The "Complex" in C-PTSD is "thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic."(*1, Wikipedia). *In my case it resulted primarily from neglect and emotional abuse on the part of my parents. My mother, as a result of her own trauma history, was unable to bond with me correctly after my birth. It was my crying that triggered her traumatic memories from her childhood and caused her to recoil from me rather than comforting me and attending to my needs.

This was problematic for my psycho-social development because humans, as well as all mammals, are still developing mentally and physically after birth. There are two critical aspects of development that take place in the context of mother-child relationship after birth for the first couple years of life. The first is basic social interaction where a baby indicates it has a critical need due primarily to hunger or pain by crying. The mother upon hearing her baby's cries attempts to fulfill its needs and comfort it. This is critical because through this interaction a child learns that it can ask others for help when it has needs, and most critical of all, that it is ok to cry (and to display emotion in general) to those it's closest to. This last point cannot be emphasized enough because that is how humans are able to discharge excess traumatic energy after any kind of existentially threatening event and avoid developing conditions like PTSD.

Beyond fulfilling a child's needs upon crying, a mother will also "mirror" a child's other emotions and provide a sense of basic validation. This is how a child learns to love (all of) itself. The "all of" refers to the child's emotional self, as well as, its cognitive self. Children who are armored with self-love in this way become impervious to later bullying. I was not so lucky, as my mother frequently failed to attend to my needs and effectively abandoned me emotionally. I was just a matter of weeks old when my mother began leaving me in the care of others so she could attend to her career. This left me with an unstable sense of self that would eventually grow into intense self-hatred as I became a prime target for bullying and other traumas throughout my formative years.

What happens when a baby's crying is ignored or punished on the part of its primary caregivers is that it learns to fear its emotions especially if they get in the way of receiving necessary items for survival. Emotions, especially crying and anger, became a source of shame and embarrassment for me, yet I could not avoid them as they are an integral part of us. Shame and ridicule from my parents for would negatively reinforce my fear and disgust of my emotional self throughout my childhood.

The second critical aspect of development that takes place outside the womb, in the context of a healthy mother-child relationship, is the ability to self-regulate and self-sooth autonomically. This is also learned when the mother attends to a child's needs upon hearing its cries. This is reflected in a smooth balance between functioning of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems (SNS, PNS). When a child becomes agitated during a negative situation, and its SNS is activated, it can later calm itself down with its PNS when the situation has been resolved.

I was not so lucky to learn autonomic regulation. As my pain or hunger arose and my mother ignored my cries, my SNS would kick into high gear. My heart rate and blood pressure would increase as I entered "fight or flight" mode due to the existential threat of dying of hunger. An infant has no sense of time, so these episodes felt like an eternity. This dynamic provided my system with bad programming. throughout my life.

My Mother

Piecing together my early years took a lot of detective work. I had bits and pieces of my own memories coupled with comments and admissions from my mother throughout the years. I also knew my maternal grandmother well enough to know that anyone forced to live in close proximity to her could not escape trauma. My grandmother held a monopoly on hysterical overreaction on any issue that arose. My mother must have been forced to walk on eggshells around her. One recent conversation I had with her about her childhood, she remarked "I got the hell out of there" when she recounted leaving home at 17 to attend college several hundred miles away.

My maternal grandparents were well off, and my grandmother believed in old world primogeniture where the first born son inherits the family's wealth. So when my uncle was born, eight years after my mother, my grandmother showered him with overbearing love and affection leaving my mother out in the cold. It was this resentment that drove her to graduate high school early and work toward getting a law degree which few women did in the early 1960s. By the time she finished grad school her anxiety had become so bad that my grandparents

From what I could tell my grandmother favored my uncle over my mother causing enough resentment that she decided to

My Father

Intergenerational Trauma

Adolescence

Adulthood

Wash Rinse Spin Repeat

On Becoming Trauma-Informed

OOTS POSTS

As mammals, humans and dogs share the same limbic structures in the brain. Because of this, dogs can mirror our emotions and help provide us emotional stability and regulation (assuming the dog is also not traumatized). They can do this in an unconditional way that our primary care givers could not, thus the value of emotional support animals is far understated and backed by neuroscience. Another neat feature of dogs is that they have no fear of their emotions. People with cPTSD, on the other hand, all have one thing in common. At some point along the way, either because of an abusive or neglectful primary caregiver we had to learn to suppress and subsequently fear our emotions as a matter of survival. The only problem is that emotional expression is the ONLY way humans are able to release or discharge trauma- something to learn from man's best friend.

This past week I've had 3 psychedelic assisted therapy sessions focused around the grieving process suggested by Pete Walker in his book From Surviving to Thriving. The setting and process was very similar to the MAPS study using MDMA. The psychedelic used in this case was THC (vaped hybrid cannabis concentrate, legal in CA, USA). The process involved went something like this: dark, quiet room, comfortable couch –> ingest THC –> acute vagus nerve stimulation through holotropic breathing –> mindfulness based visualization of traumatic periods of life. Out of nowhere a voice in my head said you now have permission to feel. I then launched into intense grieving for the losses suffered to the point where my body was contorted as if in a grand mal seizure. I grieved the losses of childhood. I grieved the repeated disappointments throughout adulthood. Finally I grieved the loss of relationship with my mother in infancy and understood at the core level that her own cPTSD meant that my infant cries triggered her to recoil from me when she should have comforted me. I then forgave her and grieved for both of us because of the lifetime of guilt she felt for abandoning me emotionally. Sometime during the second session the grief turned to the realization that rather than learning how to regulate my emotions from my mother's mirroring, I had actually learned to fear my emotions as a threat to my survival. But I simultaneously realized that it's only through unrestricted display of emotion that trauma can be discharged and let go of … and that's what I had been doing during these sessions. In my third session the outward crying from grief turned into crying out of intense happiness beyond words due to the freedom and relief I was experiencing in knowing that the lynchpin of my cPTSD was broken. From now forward I can grieve over the remaining losses and trauma of my past and know that there is no concept of future trauma because I now have the tool to release rather than hold it. The key is embracing not fearing my emotions. So much of my life was lost because I feared my emotional reaction if an endeavor did not produce a positive result. So far my hypervigilence, dissociation, and emotional flashbacks are fading, and my hair trigger anger over minutia is gone. What took Pete Walker 30 years to accomplish through conventional therapy, took just one week with psychedelic assisted therapy (albeit I did a tremendous amount of prep since becoming "trauma-informed" one year ago). Neuroscientists speculate that psychotropic compounds might allow us to bypass the PFC allowing our cognitive brain structures to communicate directly with our emotional brain structures in a healing manner. For 50 years I was a prisoner. Now at 51 I am free!

Quote from: Eyessoblue on February 21, 2018, 07:17:28 AMThat’s really inspiring, I am in a similar position and know if I could just sit with it, and grieve for everything that went wrong in my childhood that I would let go of something major inside. Instead I try to say it’s ok I don’t need to cry I am strong where as I’m as vulnerable as anything and need to be able to do this, something just keeps pulling me away from my feelings and I’m not sure what that is yet. So pleased for you that you could do this.

The common denominator among everyone with cPTSD is that we learn to fear emotional expression because in whatever captive situation we were subject to, suppressing our emotional display in response to trauma seemed necessary for survival. The catch-22 is that emotional display (grieving, angering) is how humans discharge stored traumatic energy. The problem is reinforced by Western society which equates emotion to weakness (the British stiff upper lip, American rugged individualism, etc.). That should answer your question as to what "that is". To overcome this hurdle a voice from within told me that "I had permission to feel" and subsequently "I no longer had to fear my emotions". Our brains want to heal, and I believe that is where that voice came from. My suggestion would be to try visualizing yourself (as the unconditionally loving adult) holding your "inner child self" and saying these phases to him/her, or something like "you can cry over all the bad things that happened for as long as you want to, and its ok". The best time to do this is during an emotional flashback.

Quote from: Kizzie on February 21, 2018, 12:11:07 PMI sense that psychoactive substances allow us to access the protective part that reassures the IC that s/he will be not die (spiritually or physically) and that that s/he has help now to get through it all. I do not have great reaction to even low doses of THC myself, although I have not used it under any kind of T supervision. Canada is in the middle of legalizing cannabis so once it's available legally I may try again.Anyway, glad to hear it went well for you. I did want to ask if this under the supervision of a therapist?

The current theory is that psychedelics cause parts of the brain to communicate that don't normally do so. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is thought to be the gatekeeper or "protective part" that psychedelics can bypass to reach the emotional centers that get walled off as the brain's reaction to stored trauma. I don't believe THC can be effective without significant vagus nerve stimulation, mindfulness and strong familiarity with the general effects of cannabis. That's why the main MAPS study is looking at MDMA. It removes the "paranoia" that THC can induce making it much gentler for a first time user. The same could be said for psilocybin, but not others like DMT or LSD. I'm familiar with the effects of cannabis since I'd been using medical MJ to fight trauma symptom for a couple years (insomnia, IBS).The first session took place at my T's office. The second and third took place at home during EFs where I could ingest a greater amount late in the evening when the flashbacks occur. Given that the grieving, etc was happening in my head in a largely non-verbal manner, my T wasn't needed for guidance.

I experienced the same a couple weeks ago when they announced the upcoming Mr. Rodgers biopic and documentary.

I am my Emotions…my Emotions are Me… I need no longer fear my Emotions…and…because of this I give myself permission to Feel…because of this I am no longer afraid to Cry…because of this I am no longer afraid of Loss…because of this I am no longer afraid to Trust…because of this I am no longer afraid to Love…because of this I am no longer afraid of Joy…because of this I am no longer afraid to Laugh

I've been able to release a good chunk of trauma thanks to a handful of psychedelic therapy sessions over the course of a couple weeks! I love Pete Walkers book and have used his chapter on grieving as a template for the Mindfulness component of these sessions. The key to these sessions are a simultaneous top down, psychotherapeutic (Mindfulness around Pete Walker's book while visualizing my past) and bottom up, somatic (meditative breathing, vagus nerve stimulation amplified with the psychedelic) approach. This has allowed me to get my left or rational part of my brain to talk to my right or emotional part of my brain- the part that gets walled off in self protection when we learn to fear our emotional responses as a matter of survival. I literally had to give myself permission to grieve, but when it came, it came out with a force so strong that every muscle in my body contracted like a seizure and the sound made could have brought the men in white coats. That's how we release trauma- crying/angering. No need to live with it year after year. I feel like I've had a complete mental reset. In my last session I learned that with the fear of my emotional reactions gone I could now play in the sandbox with other children and make new friends.

We've all heard it said that soldiers who experience battlefield trauma are victims of "shock" trauma or regular, plain ol' PTSD. However, what's really going on is that a soldier on tour in a battle zone normally experiences multiple instances of battlefield horror. The trauma becomes ingrained not because of what the soldier experiences, but because the soldier is expected to maintain decorum in the aftermath and s/he is part of a culture of machismo where emotional display such as crying (how humans release trauma) is just not allowed. The solder is, in effect, held hostage by their branch of service which is akin to the abusive family or lover where emotions are punished, and without a way to release trauma is highly subject to internalizing future traumas no different than someone diagnosed with cPTSD. WDYT?

QuoteRe cannabis - Unfortunately, for me THC does seem to alert the guards on the wall rather than open the door inward.

Yes, me too… that is until I discovered thru serendipity that the meditative (holotropic) breathing to stimulate the vagus nerve actually defeats this aspect of THC! My layman's guess is to what's going on is that when a person storing trauma ingests THC there's excessive electrical activity in the brain's fear centers… except when the vagus nerve is engaged. Engaging the vagus nerve may shift the electrical activity towards it's endpoints in the brain which are the pro-social, calming centers that go dark when the brain re-optimizes for fight and flight in response to trauma. "Psychedelic therapy" is a misnomer. It should really be called something like "hyper-vagal stimulation therapy" since it's all about the vagus nerve which is weaponized with the psychedelic agent. The therapy protocol in the MAPS study also calls for vagus nerve stimulation with music and meditative breathing at the beginning of sessions.

In a recent mind exploration session a voice from somewhere deep in my subconscious told me to just breathe. It's one of the most basic functions for life, but for those with cPTSD it's one of the most basic dysfunctions.It's a fact that when stuck in fight and flight mode our breaths become short and shallow. So no wonder we have all kinds of muscle ailments- neck pulls, tight shoulders, stiff lower backs, and the pain that goes with them. It's due to lack of oxygen. I used to swallow ibuprofen and acetaminophen like candy until I realized all I had to do was take full breaths and my spasming muscles would calm after just a few minutes.The diaphragm is the only muscle in our bodies that can be controlled by both our autonomic nervous system (ANS) and conscious thought. Our ANS's are essentially broken in cPTSD. In my case, my sympathetic nervous system (SNS) operated at level 10, and my parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) operated at about level 3. Consequently, I was always plagued by excessive sweating, IBS, tremor, and insomnia- all signs of an overactive SNS and vagus nerve dysfunction.As it turns out, the one way we can hack our ANS to our advantage is through conscious breath. The Buddhists have used breathing as the basic tool for calming the body and mind through meditation for thousands of years. But it's only in the last 25 years that we've begun to understand the neuroscience behind meditative breath. Conscious breath or focusing on filling and emptying the lungs fully and at various rates stimulates the vagus nerve in various ways. My favorite is extremely short but full in breaths and long full out breaths with a little resistance (humming) to stimulate calmness, lower heart rate and BP. 10 minutes of this before a therapy session makes all the difference in the sessions' effectiveness. Apparently those of us with highly refined meditative breathing practices can stimulate their vagus nerves as well as, if not better than implanted electrical vagus nerve stimulators.The ability to stimulate the vagus nerve via conscious breath to calm the mind and body is a fundamental prerequisite to recovering from cPTSD. It's the most basic somatic therapy to master given that all somatic therapies really just stimulate the vagus nerve in some way. Best of all it's free as long as air is free. But conscious breath is often overlooked as we tend to focus on spending thousands of dollars for muscle pain relief products or therapists from the latest and greatest CBT or trauma institute. I've had several healing sessions where breathing to stimulate the vagus nerve preceded spontaneous cathartic grieving and release of traumatic energy.

I know this is an old thread, but it's actually a much more important topic than most cPTSD sufferers realize. I used to fear and run from my EFs like nothing else, now I run toward and embrace them as opportunities for healing. From age 15 to 51 I used every substance legal and illegal I could get to suppress EFs especially before I knew what they were. I've been to alcohol rehab multiple times. I have a large toolbox of dissociation activities designed to distract from these episodes. Recently, one night I decided to try the opposite during a particularly strong EF. I sat down in a dark, private room, ingested some plant medicine, and after about ten minutes of holotropic breathing to stimulate my vagus nerve I asked my IC what if anything he was trying to tell me. It was quite similar to that scene in The Sixth Sense ;-)What happened next was the most intense cathartic experiences of my life! I was able to give my IC permission to cry unrestrained for the losses and hurts of childhood. I sobbed and writhed to within my physical limits of my strength. Every muscle in my body was engaged for 30 minutes, and I released a major chunk of lifetime traumatic energy. I've had a handful more of these experiences since to the point where my cPTSD is now in remission based on watching my symptoms evaporate.A lot of us are convinced that running towards our past trauma would be too overwhelming, but coming away from this experience I believe that our brains truly want to heal and won't give us more than we can handle during such experiences. I've been transformed by knowing I not only never have to fear another EF, but now welcome them because I now know that they are really just a reminder to check in with my IC (which in a neuroscience translation is the emotional center of my brain) to see what's up and release any lingering trauma.

Two things jump out at me from my own experience:

Quotebut I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Tiredness is one of those "feelings" that often pops up to derail whatever productive, but unsavory task is at hand during the day. After digging deep in therapy to understand all the ways I fall into dissociation, turns out phantom tiredness is one of the primary culprits. What's it protecting me from? Perhaps it's the fear of failure or other negative outcome. You've found one possibility for a new therapist (and life-changing healing), but that could turn out to be a bust based on past experience. Why not derail the process before you ever get to the point of being disappointed! What if the therapist turns out to be a good one? Then there's a lot of difficult work to be done such as looking at past traumas. Again very "tiring". I believe that at the core "tiredness" in the face of existential decision making is really about two things: fear of one's reaction to a negative outcome, and inability to live in the present. Writing the email is ALL you have to worry about NOW. Deal with the rest when it comes.

QuoteBut I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!? It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.

During the years I was institutionalized (hospitals and rehabs for the cPTSD symptom of alcoholism) I recalled that there was a certain comfort in having my entire day's activities planned for me- kinda like kindergarten. Even now I struggle with excessive amounts of unstructured time because I haven't mastered the art of proper self-parenting. My parents were the exact opposite of the nurturing mentors they should have been in order for me to learn the self discipline necessary to tackle difficult tasks. How I would love to have a dedicated personal assistant to hold my hand and take care of life's chores while I go off somewhere to play by myself. The reality is that the inability to self-parent is a key developmental arrest that must then be learned later in life. There's a term I like to borrow from the Millennials called "adulting" that's equally applicable to those of us blessed with cPTSD.

UPDATE: I'm still sorting out all the aspects of my recent healing sessions. Since my last post, I've had a fourth, very intense plant medicine healing session similar to the previous three. Rather than grieving past losses, it focused on the key developmental arrest of not being able to relate to others from a position of a secure maternal attachment. I had the opportunity to *visualize* myself taking my IC to the playground sandbox to play with the other toddlers. I taught my IC how to share, and how to be aware that the other kids had feelings too. I even introduced my IC to my girlfriend telling him that she was a very nice person, she wanted to be our friend and we could *trust* her. All this time I was outwardly crying as if just learning my entire family was killed in a car wreck. As a child my mother never guided me through these most basic social development tasks, and instead she just labelled me as "shy" while I played by myself afraid of the other kids. In adult life I always saw relationships in selfish terms of how they could fulfill my needs not visa versa. I think the crying may have been the extreme gratitude my IC was feeling from finally having a "loving parent" pay attention to him.So far my daily, hair-trigger, life-limiting temper tantrums have vanished. The other day I was shocked to find out I wet the bed- not due to emotional issues, but because I now sleep so soundly that I no longer need my arsenal of insomnia meds. My body is much less reactive and inflammatory. The most profound effect if that I now feel at peace with myself to the core. My inner bully (IC) is nearly gone, as are my EFs. In a nutshell, it seems like these sessions have had an immediate impact on my list of somatic issues, and my core emotional issues.The areas I'm still struggling with seem to be with the layers of dysfunctional habits and thought patterns built up over a lifetime of compensating for my DTD and cPTSD. The analogy of the TBI patient learning how to compensate with the intact portions of their brains seems apt. In the case of cPTSD it's an NTBI (non-traumatic brain injury). I'm also struggling with what I believe is a dysfunctioning dopamine system due to some of the excessive dissociation behaviors I've turned to in recent years. This results in difficulty planning and finding the motivation necessary to complete the tasks necessary to move my life forward. The challenge ahead is continuing to identify, confront, and correct the laundry list of key developmental arrests.Plant medicine (psychedelic) therapy is by no means a cure-all for everything cPTSD related that the sensationalist stories of Ayahuasca retreats in the Amazon would have you believe. But it does seem to allow a path to inner peace at Star Trek like warp speed. It WILL be the future of cPTSD therapy.

Find a quiet, dimly lit room with a comfortable chair. Take very fast, full in breaths, and exhale slowly over several seconds with some resistance as in humming. The out breaths stimulate the vagus nerve. Additionally if you assume what I affectionately call the "holy spirit" pose which is head tilted back towards the heavens, smile (even if fake), and open palms upward as if to "receive the Holy Spirit" it also can be a strong, calming vegas nerve stimulator. Holding a closed, tense posture does the opposite. Focus on breath to clear your mind of negative chatter.

I have a very angry two year old in my head. I've recently had some amazing success using a combination of psychedelic (medical cannabis), intensive vagus nerve stimulation, and mindfulness to prep a self-therapy session where I visualized holding the 2 year old version of me. While stroking his head, I gave him permission to cry for as long as he wanted. During this time my body was doubled over in some sort of intense release of grief and trauma over two recent existential stressors. Since then, I've had a couple additional sessions where I was able to laugh with my 2 year old over some previously traumatizing situations that no longer held power over me. I'm hoping to be able to do this in my therapist's office at some point

I'd like to post a shill for an organization raising money to conduct scientific research studying the efficacy of psychedelics in treating PTSD. As a neuroscience junky, I'm greatly intrigued by reports that this class of chemicals used in a therapeutic setting can potentially condense not just years but decades of therapy into weeks and months. It's hypothesized that they can rewire the brain in a way that causes a "reset" back to full integration of hemispheres and structures that become fragmented through traumatic events. Even therapeutic (not recreational) use of cannabis can help us smash through our "inner-critic" which is the primary blocker of good psychotherapy work and help us live in the "here and now".The Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) is a US based non-profit that conducts this research, but relies entirely on private donations given that our draconian federal government sees "no medical value" in this class of chemicals. If you want to support the search for and effective "cure" for cPTSD check out www.MAPS.org.

I've used a handful of SSRIs including citalopram (Celexa) in the past. The side effects can cause more problems for those with cPTSD than the main effect helps, and tolerance builds to the main effect after a few years. I've also tried counteracting the side effects with stuff like Modafinil, cyproheptadine, etc. to no avail. Ritalin or any other type of speed is the last thing you want to do given that cPTSD sufferers have autonomic regulation problems to begin with."brain fog, slowed thinking, concentration and memory problems" caused by SSRIs will confound any issues you may be having with dissociation. SSRIs as a group of meds developed by BigPharma 30 years ago are now obsolete as their true mechanism of action has nothing to do with serotonin but rather a very dirty way to increase hippocampus volume via BDNF (brain derived neurotrophic factor). Until the new generation of neurotrophic meds comes online, I'd focus on non-SSRI anti-deps like reversible MAOIs (no dietary restrictions) or even some of the lower side effect tricyclics like Tianeptine, as well as off label anti-convulsants (i.e. Lyrica) for autonomic regulation.

Welcome. I'm also in my 50s and I was recently in the same situation where more and more memories- both cognitive and emotional were bubbling up to torment me daily. I recently engaged in some highly experimental therapy that worked beyond my wildest dreams, and I'm now in remission from cPTSD. One takeaway from my experience is that the memories and emotions bubbling to the surface are actually a blessing in disguise because they give you a better shot at grieving them away for good given the right type of therapy. Put another way, I always ran from my emotional flashbacks through drugs, drinking, sex, or any other dissociating vice. Now I run towards them- that is if I have one given that I haven't had any for about a month now.
QuoteI'm tired of feeling this way.That's actually a good thing. Why? Because it can provide the motivation to seek healing. At least it did for me, and I can confidently say that at the core, I am now free of the cPTSD injury I'd been living with for 50 years. That's just one year after becoming "trauma informed" and six months after locating a trauma informed therapist. While obviously not typical, I do hope it can be a source of inspiration.Feeling "this way" motivated me to learn everything I could about the neuroscience of cPTSD. It motivated me to seek out the modes of therapy that has helped others heal rather than to just live with it. It motivated me to order and read the best informational and self-help guides to healing from trauma including Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score and Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving. Just being where you are is in effect being held hostage in an "abusive relationship" given that the culture is not conducive to the open emotional work necessary to release stored traumatic energy. But that will end at some point, and in the meantime you can educate yourself while getting support online. One thing to remember is that these negative emotions come from a part of the brain that has no concept of "time". That's why it can seem like they will never end, and why educating yourself on how brain functions are altered in cPTSD is such a vital component to eventually gaining freedom from it.

Compounding the insurance industry problem is the fact that many psychiatrists want to make a name for themselves by inventing new personality disorders for inclusion in the DSM that are really just symptoms of cPTSD, and the DSM make nearly a billion dollars for the APA with every edition released.

Tomorrow I'll be 51 years and 3 months old. For 51 years and 2 months I suffered from a brain with the "fight or flight" switch stuck in the on position. As an infant, my cries for attention triggered my mother (a trauma victim herself) to recoil from rather than sooth me. I quickly learned to fear my emotions as a matter of survival- effectively eliminating access to the process by which humans discharge traumatic energy. The mold was cast. I became a fearful and withdrawn child who preferred to play alone. I was easily bullied and ostracized. Were I to come home crying after being bullied, my mother's defensive reaction was to, at best, dismiss my distress, and at worst, ridicule my crying. While there was some physical abuse at home, the extreme emotional neglect and abuse took a far greater toll (the new ICD11 diagnosis misses the mark badly!). I was unable to make true human connection, yet to be accepted socially was all I craved. This set the pattern for my life- desperately seeking acceptance from women, from co-workers, from social groups, always coming across as weird, needy, or hiding something, getting rejected or ostracized, and slinking away in shame and self-hatred while adding yet more people and groups to my * list.Each stop down the long road of cPTSD saw more and more loss until the resiliency of youth wore out and I began to give up. About 10 years ago I gave up on the idea of ever finding a life partner. About 3 years ago i gave up on trying to cultivate a career. Unemployed and friendless I was even bullied and ostracized by the HOA in a condo I was renting causing extreme agoraphobia. Along the way I took every psychotropic pill invented by Big Pharma, played whack-a-mole with at least a dozen different trauma-uninformed psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers, and even spent a couple years institutionalized for "alcoholism". I reached the point of active contingency planning for my own euthanasia. Despite the horrid omission from the new ICD11 diagnostic criteria, I was well qualified for a cPTSD diagnosis. An LCSW from one of the local medical groups diagnosed me with PTSD in lat 2015, but it wasn't until February 2017 that I became truly trauma-informed and diagnosed myself with cPTSD. Since then I made an effort to learn everything possible about the condition from the neuroscience to the psycho-dynamic theory and even the anthropological aspects of trauma within our hunter-gatherer forbearers. The most intriguing phenomenon I came across was the growing number of case studies of trauma victims being "cured" by plant medicine (psychedelic) infused therapy in just a few sessions. This includes the ongoing studies by MAPS.org with MDMA, as well as all the sensationalist articles about Ayahuasca ceremonies deep in the Amazon jungle. Contrast this to the reports of conventional therapy taking years if not decades to produce a significant reduction in symptoms.This being the short version of my healing journey, suffice to say I was beyond blessed to have partaken in the benefits of psychedelic assisted therapy using cannabis extract. After a period of preparation and trial and error, I experienced four healing sessions over the course of two weeks involving trauma catharsis where visually I appeared as if in a grand mal seizure, and acoustically I produced a wailing sound that could only be described as blood curdling. There was much more to these sessions that I will expand on here, or can be gleaning from looking at my resent posts in other areas of this board. http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=3013Since these sessions part of me is still thinking this is too good to be true, but as I witness my most debilitating symptoms evaporate after 50 years of hell on earth, I'm reminded of the miracle I experienced. My goal now is to share more details of my experience in future posts as I'm convinced that "plant medicines" will be integral to fast track trauma therapy in the future. 

As someone who was "blessed" with DTD, I suffered two devastating impacts- the inability to regulate my emotions and the inability to regulate my autonomic nervous system (ANS). From age 15 for the next 36 years I both self-medicated and gobbled down every class of chemical produced by the profiteers of Big Pharma in an effort to get through each day. I've taken MAOIs, tricyclics, tetracyclics, SSRIs, anti-psychotics, stimulants, depressants, anti-convulsants, opioids, anxiolytics, supplements, nootropics, eugerics (sp.), placebos, and let's not forget good Ol' Grandad. I probably left a few out, but you can get the idea. The sad part of all this was that some of the most destructive and toxic substances were prescribed by so-called "addiction specialist" psychiatrists rather than those that were self prescribed. I finally got so fed up with Big Pharma and Big Psychiatry that I decided to become my own psycho-pharmacologist and perform a neuroscience deep dive into the psychiatric drug discovery pipeline. The following are my buckets with explanations to follow in future posts and edits. I hope we can agree to respectfully disagree where appropriate.The Good (symptom reduction with less adverse impact): - off label anti-convulsants for anxiety and SNS control such as pregabalin, gabapentin, or baclofen. - off label blood pressure meds such as propranolol, Minipress, or clonidine. - some off label first generation anti-histamines (short term use) - promethazine, hydroxyzine - some 5th generation anti-depressants in the approval pipeline such as NSI-189 - some MAOIs - plant medicines that must be discussed in another forum sectionThe Bad (some symptom reduction with more adverse impact): - most tricyclics - SSRIs, SNRIs - Prozac, Celexa, Effexor - examples of Big Pharma corruption and disinformation to be explained in a dedicated post at some point - most insomnia meds - including Ambien, Bellsomra, Lunesta The Ugly: - benzodiazepines - clonazepam, lorazepam, diazepam, or any other 'pam' - opioids including Kratom - abuse, addiction - anti-psychotics - all "generations" including Seroquel, Geodon, Zyprexa. These are over prescribed, especially to children for behavior control. They are grossly mis-prescribed to those with DID. They directly cause type 2 diabetes and movement disorders via cumulative destruction of dopamine neurons in the brain's movement center. The latter officially qualifies anti-psychotics as actual poisons or slow acting chemical weapons - alcohol - toxic to every type of cell in the human body.

I'm still taking stock of which symptoms have vanished and which remain after my catharsis sessions. It seems the worst of my symptoms are gone- I'm hoping for good. This would include: - protracted, infantile temper tantrums brought on by the the slightest triggers - core self hatred- replaced by unconditional love of my IC self - core fragmentation of my IC (emotional self) has been re-integrated - somatic symptoms such as IBS, hyperhydrosis, exaggerated inflammatory response, ET, insomnia, etc. - anxiety, existential dread, abandonment depression, or whatever you choose to call it- replaced with an inner peace - inability to release traumatic energy- replaced with a solid method for release providing an "inoculation" against future trauma*A bonus I've noticed is the ability to taper my anti insomnia, depressants, and anxiety meds by a good chunk each week with no adverse effects.Unfortunately, and as probably to be expected, the bulk of my developmental arrests and dysfunctional (protective) habits / thinking patterns remain in full force. I described these cPTSD artifacts to my T as "orphaned protectors" because there is no longer a core wound to protect. Perhaps this would not be an issue with "conventional" trauma therapy over years and decades as developmental arrests would be addressed alongside attempts at trauma processing. Some of the issues I continue to struggle with include: - hyper vigilant thinking and habits including watching too much cable political news - struggles with staying in the present - lack of discipline and focus in completing complex tasks - continuing to engage in traditional dissociative behaviors not out of anxiety, but out of boredom given that my condition has robbed my life of constructive hobbies and social contact - the "pro-social" areas of my brain are still mostly darkGiven the traditional, three phased approach to trauma informed therapy I'm likely in uncharted waters. I've unexpectedly completed stage two and part of stage three before stage one (stabilization). My instinct tells me that from here on out it will take a great deal of mindfulness, willpower, and proper reparenting to peel away the layers of orphaned habits and behaviors born out of decades living with cPTSD. Until my developmental arrests are fixed, I think it makes sense to describe myself as "in remission" rather than cured.All this said, my inner hell is gone, so the challenges ahead are really quite trivial compared to the core injury that "plant medicine" has helped heal.

My big complaint last year fueled by my fatalistic cPTSD outlook was the lack of "trauma-informed" therapists in my area willing to treat me. This was confirmed, of course, by the grand total of two trauma practitioners I met with. The first was a "Somatic Experiencing" practitioner who immediately had me lay down face up on a massage table. She placed a hand underneath my back, ostensibly grabbing my kidney, and asking if I felt better. For the $250, she could have at least grabbed something more pleasurable. The second was a "SensoryMotor" psychotherapist. After spilling my guts to her, she seemed so visibly disturbed by me that I almost expected the followup email stating that we "weren't a good fit" and ending with a list of referrals. All I can say about that was at least the kidney grabber didn't cause me additional rejection trauma. From what I've gleaned on this site my complaint is shared by at least a few others.On the third try I did find a person that I would say fits the description of a "good enough" therapist. This person while being "trauma informed" wasn't able to apply their preferred trauma focused modality to my particular flavor of cPTSD, but they did allow me to direct my own approach to therapy taken in large part from Pete Walker's From Surviving To Thriving. They were also open to experimental sessions using a certain plant medicine recently legalized in my state. Less than six months later and I now consider myself to be trauma free.The lesson I learned from these experiences is that there are only two kinds of therapists out there, and I'm not referring to trauma-informed vs. trauma-uninformed. There are those who want to run the show, and there are those who will let you run the show. Over the decades I've suffered at the hands of therapists who like to run the show. I'm referring to the psychiatrists, psychologists, MFTs, LCSWs, etc who each come from their various schools of thought and research, and who specialize in treating certain "disorders" and even one or two who've invented new "disorders". My favorites were the self-proclaimed "addiction specialists" who hypocritically helped me trade my alcohol and benzo addictions for dependencies on powerful insomnia meds, brain-destroying anti-psychotics, and sex. In the end, all that was accomplished was a futile loss in a game of whack-a-mole.Another lesson I learned is that relying on a therapist to "know it all" is a bad bet. A better bet is to take the initiative to read books written by therapists expert in cPTSD, distill the knowledge and apply it to my particular therapeutic needs. The takeaway from my recent experience is that to recover from cPTSD I had to become my own therapist- literally. My healing sessions required a "dual awareness" (mindfulness) approach where my left brain played the role of therapist/parent while speaking to my right brain AKA inner child self AKA emotional brain to effect a massive catharsis of grief.While I am now working with a therapist who is "trauma-informed", I'm probably more trauma-informed than he is. But none of that matters. It wouldn't even matter if he wasn't trauma-informed. What does matter is that he respects the knowledge that I bring into therapy from authors like Pete Walker or Bessel Van Der Kolk. He's open minded, and is open to experimenting to find the right modalities for my situation. Beyond that, he listens to whatever I want to kvetch about without judgment. I believe that in order to do that, a therapist must have dealt with their own issues successfully. Because of these basic attributes, I found the first therapist in my life who I could *trust*.Having a therapist that is trustworthy and empowering is much more valuable than a therapist who is necessarily trauma-informed. I say this because cPTSD is not a disorder you can ever recover from by relying on a therapist to hold your hand through the process. Conversely I say from my own experience that learning how to self-parent, and by extension being your own therapist, is a critical factor in ultimately reaching a place where its safe to release the pent up traumatic grief once and for all. Would love to know WDYT.

Welcome to the community! I first understood from OOTS that the cPTSD diagnosis fit me as well. I'm an example that recovery is possible if you want it badly enough. If I could share one key piece of knowledge, it would be that despite the many ways we might have suffered traumas in the past, we all share one common denominator now. That is that as a consequence of cPTSD we are unable to release the traumatic grief and energy that torments us. But with hard work and persistence you can learn to do so like I have. To borrow a phrase from AA: "keep coming back".

Welcome to our forum! I'm also a middle aged male. I've lived with cPTSD for almost the entire 51 years I've been alive. It wasn't until a year ago that I became cPTSD informed, and thanks to some psychedelic assisted therapy I'm now trauma free. For decades i ran from my emotional flashbacks to booze, drugs, sex or any other numbing distraction. I finally received the epiphany that an EF is really my inner child self (my emotional brain) trying to tell me something. When I started to listen is when the healing began. Pete Walker's writings on grieving was invaluable. Are you seeking a trauma informed therapist?

Chiming in a bit late hear, but felt I had some experience to share with meeting people.You described my social experience throughout my life perfectly- inability to fully connect with people, intense loneliness, depression and longing for some type of intimacy. I've looked back through my life recently to find the same pattern over and over- failed attempts to join social circles, getting rejected and ostracized, and wearing another layer of shame and self-deprecation decade after decade. During one recent therapeutic healing session, it was revealed to me that my fundamental development arrest was my insecure attachment to my mother and it's detrimental effects on my ability to relate to others in a manner that considers their needs and emotions in proper proportion to my own. My mother, due to her own traumatic background, recoiled at the sound of my crying as an infant. She was unable to sooth and comfort me in my distress, and that only caused me to cry louder. The resulting punishment and neglect forced me to learn to suppress my emotions in order to get my nominal survival needs met. But my emotional needs went unmet, and thus kicked off that lifelong search for someone who would meet my emotional needs while handicapped with the inability to meet theirs. No wonder every friendship and romance throughout my life was fleeting and fraught with anxiety and suspicion. I was always trying to come up with a new gimmick to meet women and ingratiate myself into social circles and cliques always with failure.It wasn't until I became "cPTSD informed" that I became aware of my self-defeating relationship patterns including unrealistic expectations of where I fit in. This allowed me to gain a toe hold with my left brain when, through sheer luck, I met a fellow misfit at a singles trivia Meetup group. What was lucky was that despite her shortcomings and traumatic background, she had a secure attachment with her mother, and thus helped provide me with some emotional regulation. More than anything this past year, I've been in a running battle with my outer critic who wants to do everything possible to break up our relationship. My OC produces endless reasons why I should get out of the relationship- her looks, her nerdiness, etc. But becoming cPTSD informed has taught me that the real underlying reason is my fear of loss, and my fear of my own reaction to a potential loss. The relationship won out because at the end of the day I realized that she was able to love me unconditionally, and that was foundational to the recent cathartic healing sessions I experienced. Now at 51 I'm working to nail down a wedding date with my new fiancee for mid-June.Another precursor to my recent therapeutic success was locating a therapist who I grew to trust, not because of this therapist's knowledge of cPTSD, but because this therapist trusted my knowledge of myself and what I'd learned about cPTSD in a way that empowered us to experiment with modalities until finding one that worked. Contrast this to most therapists who attempt to shoe-horn your particular situation into their preferred modality whether CBT or some novel, patented somatic therapy. Most therapists will sublimely disempower and belittle you in this manner. My current therapist would not even have to know about cPTSD in order to still fit my definition of a "good enough therapist".To summarize, a best friend and a "good enough" therapist were the allies I acquired and that were *made possible* first and foremost by becoming thoroughly knowledgable on how cPTSD resulted in my shortcomings, relational deficits, and applying that mindfully to "right-size" my approach to meeting people. Put another way, becoming cPTSD informed, opened up a whole new world of potential social support not available to me previously when all I was searching for was the perfect savior who could meet all my emotional needs.

I'd like to very respectfully disagree from some of the previous encouragement towards alcohol abstinence via SMART, AA, Rational Recovery, etc. Here I'm assuming you acquired your drinking habit from the desire to numb the trauma caused by losing all your caregivers so young and not because you actually have the "alcoholic gene". If do you have the gene that causes you to crave alcohol no matter what, then by all means go to SMART or whatever works best and disregard the rest of what I have to say……otherwise, pursuing programs and treatments for *symptoms* of cPTSD rather than the causes is tantamount to wasting time playing whack-a-mole. I say this because I did this. I spent 35 years drinking nightly to smooth the pain from my traumatic memories bubbling to the surface. My family and insurance spent approximately $100K on residential and out-patient treatment programs, and I spent 10 years in the AA rooms "working the steps"- all thirteen of them. In the end, after following every suggestion for recovering, all I did was trade in alcohol for nicotine and sex/porn addictions because I still needed something to cover up the core trauma. The end result would not have been any different if I had gone to SMART or some other AA alternative. I don't know much about SMART, but I can say with confidence that that program is not "trauma informed" in their foundational approach.If I had known then what I know now I, instead of all the time wasted whacking moles, I'd have sought out "trauma-informed" treatment and support, as well as learning everything I could about the psychopathology and neuroscience aspects of cPTSD on my own. I say this because having found a successful method for cathartic release of traumatic grief has eliminated the core pain that caused me to seek alcohol, as well as other drugs and vices to cover it up. In other words, treating the cPTSD has effectively treated my alcoholism where "abstinence programs" have failed miserably.

I think self-hatred should be part of the definition of cPTSD if it isn't already. Self-hatred is how I defined myself for decades. My only emotion was anger. Although like DR states, anger is sometimes "righteous". Righteous anger comes from seeing someone mistreated. In our case it can come from seeing how we've been mistreated, and that's actually good. It's good because this type of anger combined with being so sick and tired of this condition provides the requisite motivation to do the one thing different that will allow us to recover. That one thing that's so difficult to do is to is to "self-parent" your angry inner two year old with *unconditional love*. You have to give your angry two year old permission to feel- to yell and scream and, most importantly, to grieve for the lifetime of injustice and loss. This is the "psychodynamic" way of saying you need to turn towards and embrace your emotions as part of you. Grieving and angering are the only way that we humans can release the traumatic energy from our brains and live a normal life. The paradox for us is that we've been taught to fear and stuff our emotions as a matter of survival making this task near impossible. The stuffing of our emotions is how self-hatred breeds. Having recently had my own cathartic release of a lifetime of grief, I can say that my inner critic is gone as is my hair trigger anger- replaced by self-love. My irony is that I still seem to have a healthy but orphaned outer critic due to a lifetime of habitual thinking that I'm confident can be overcome through mindfulness and willpower.

I've noticed this topic getting more attention in the therapeutic community lately. While I can relate to the categories of neglect, emotional abuse, and perpetrator mental illness as describing the actions of my own parents. Seeing those causes in a vacuum caused my to view my parents with contempt and hatred to the point of estrangement for a couple decades. It was a level of hate that had to have taken a toll on my physical health. Once I became "trauma informed", I did a deep dive into my family history, as well as learning all I could about DTD (developmental trauma disorder). Turns out my great grandmother emigrated to this country from Russia where her family was subject to sadistic pogroms which must have traumatized her. I don't know what my great grandmother's relationship with my grandmother was like, but I know my grandmother appeared to be extremely narcissistic and hysterical, and my mother was completely shut down emotionally. My mother told me she spent something like 4 years on a psychoanalyst's couch in the early 60s, and she still has severe anxiety. I have no doubt that my mother was traumatized by my grandmother.From what I understand about early childhood development, our brains are still developing after birth- especially in regard to programming the brain's social structures and developing emotional/autonomic regulation. The difference between autism and cPTSD is that autistic kids have a "hardware" problem (malformed or missing social neurons) and cPTSD is a "software" problem where the neurons are there but programmed incorrectly. For normal social development to take place the mother must be attuned to her child. The child cries to indicate it's hungry, tired, itchy from poop, or scared, and the mother soothes her child and meets its needs. This is how secure attachment and self-esteem develop. From a position of secure attachment, a child eventually begins to explore farther and farther on her own. When the child is old enough, the mother takes the child to the playground sandbox to play with the other toddlers. She teaches the child how to share and how to recognize the emotions of other children. But a traumatized mother has problems performing these basic caregiver activities resulting in DTD and later, cPTSD in the child. A child cries, and the traumatized mother recoils. I can now see how this dynamic has played out in my maternal ancestry going back 4 generations. It has allowed me to replace my toxic, parental hatred with grace and love and ultimately, I believe, is helping me to find healing. I've even been able to grieve for my mother. Had I not found this knowledge, I'd still be telling others that my parents were two of the most narcissistic assh*les on earth. The posts I've read here on OOTS make me suspect that trans-generational trauma is major contributing factor to many here with cPTSD as the descriptions of parents who were "narcissistic", addicted, or victims of mental illness themselves are plenty. But those things don't just happen in a vacuum. Trauma is usually a contributing factor. I'd imagine that it's exceedingly rare to find the truly evil parent that hates and abuses their child for no reason other than entertainment.I believe the trans-generational trauma in my family has been passed down via entirely environmental factors, but there are researchers such as Rachel Yehuda who believe epigenetics (gene expression) plays a factor based on some small studies of children of holocaust survivors. Regardless of specifics though, I think trans-generational trauma causing cPTSD is a topic worthy of more discussion on OOTS. WDYT?

Hi James and welcome. From your intro, I'd say you are definitely qualified to join our club. Given that you have difficulty connecting with people, I'd encourage you to learn all you can about developmental trauma disorder (DTD) and how your family of origin (FOO) ended up blessing you with such an awful gift. For me, it was my mother (also a cPTSD sufferer) who recoiled from the sound of my crying as an infant and failed to meet my basic needs. Having an insecure maternal attachment plus later emotional abuse from my FOO completely handicapped me when it came to trying to connect with others. Other people could sense in me a level of anxiety combined with no self-esteem that caused them to not want anything to do with me. The exception were bullies who could smell fresh meat whenever I was near.There's one thing that all people with cPTSD or even PTSD have in common. That is the inability to release accumulated traumatic energy through cathartic grieving and angering. So much attention is given to what caused the trauma by the support and therapeutic communities that this common denominator is often overlooked. I was fortunate to have such a catharsis, and now consider myself trauma free (although I'm still dealing with all the orphaned thinking and behavior habits). Feel free to PM me if you want to know more about how I was able to gain freedom from cPTSD.

I suspect if you were to take a history of anyone with PTSD the majority would actually qualify for cPTSD. In the USA where I am, returning soldiers are routinely diagnosed with PTSD, yet 50% of kids going into the military come from traumatic situations including broken homes, poverty, and domestic violence. That up to 50% of new recruits with some level of undiagnosed cPTSD who go on to witness the horrors of war.

To start a new paragraph, hit the Enter key.

To make a word or words be italic, just select the text and choose Italic. Note that you can’t make a part of a word italic–it’s all or nothing. So, if you try to italicize part of a word, we italicize the whole word instead.

Making a Section

To make a section title like the one above, just hit the Enter key to start a new paragraph, and then type the title. After you’ve typed the title, select a word and choose Section. This will make the entire paragraph become the section title. If you did this by mistake, just choose Section again and your paragraph will go back to being a paragraph.

Making a Sub-section

Making a sub-section title works the same way. Just choose Sub-section instead of Section from the menu to make a sub-section title. Again, you can just choose Sub-section again to have your title go back to being a paragraph.

Where are all the features?

By design, the visual editor is a very minimalist way to write.

Every feature that we could add to it would increase its complexity, so we want to have as few features here as possible. Our goal with this writing mode is to provide all the features you need to write a novel–and nothing more. So, there is no support for images, links, lists, emoji, and a whole host of other features.

While the visual editor has fewer features than other Leanpub writing modes, we think it can be a superior experience if you only need those features. So, we encourage you to try it, and see if it’s the right fit for you.

However, if you decide that you do need more features, you can switch to one of the other writing modes with one click. To learn more about switching modes, click the Menu link at the top, and click on Getting Started.

Learn More

Click the Menu link at the top. Besides showing a menu, it also shows the chapter list on the left. Click on Chapter 2 in the chapter list to learn about editing, reordering and deleting chapters.

Chapter 2

The chapters of your book are created by clicking the + button in the chapter list in the left.

Including Chapters

You can choose which chapters are included in the book and which are included in the sample book by mousing over the chapter name, clicking the settings cog icon, and then clicking the appropriate check boxes.

The sample book is something which readers can read before buying the book. Don’t worry, no one can buy your book or read the sample book until you actually publish your book!

A chapter can be in both the book and the sample book. The typical idea with the sample book is that it should have the first couple chapters, and then possibly a chapter which is only in the sample, encouraging the reader to go buy the book.

Deleting a Chapter

To delete a chapter, mouse over the chapter name in the chapter list on the left and click the red X button.

Reordering Chapters

To reorder chapters, just drag and drop the chapter names in the chapter list on the left.

Auto-Saving

When you are typing, Leanpub will indicate that there are unsaved changes by showing “Unsaved Changes” at the top right corner of the screen. When you stop typing, Leanpub automatically saves the chapter you are working on. You’ll see “Saving…” and then “Saved” text at the top right of the screen when everything is saved.

If you still see “Unsaved Changes” or “Saving…” at the top right, don’t switch chapters or close your browser until you see “Saved” at the top right. Otherwise, you’ll lose the words you most recently typed.

Links at the Top Left

The top of the page has a number of helpful links. To go back to Leanpub’s homepage, click the Leanpub logo. To see the various settings for your book, click the Overview link. To learn more about writing on Leanpub, click the Getting Started link. To preview your book, click the Preview link to go to the preview page. Finally, to publish your book, click the Publish link to go to the publish page.

If you go to the Overview, Getting Started, Preview or Publish pages, you can get back here by clicking on the “Write” link in the left area on those pages.

Learn More

Click on Chapter 3 in the chapter list on the left to see some editing and previewing tips.

Chapter 3

Text Editing Tips

To select all the text in a chapter, you can put the cursor at the beginning of the chapter and then drag with your mouse. Or you can just click anywhere in the chapter and then hold down the Command key (on Mac) or Control key (on Windows) and type the A key.

You can delete the selected text by hitting the delete or backspace key.

You can undo edits (like that one!) by holding down the Command key (on Mac) or Control key (on Windows) and typing the Z key.

Try Previewing

Before you start writing, we think it’s fun to try previewing your book with this getting started info in it. This way, you’ll see how easy it is to preview or publish your book, and what a Leanpub book looks like.

So, before you start writing, we recommend clicking the Preview link at the top to go to the Preview page. You can also add a book cover image from a link on the Preview page. Again, to get back here, just click the Write link in the left area of the Preview page.

Start Writing

To start writing, make a new chapter by clicking the + button in the chapter list on the left.

Then, feel free to delete these help chapters, so that they do not appear in your book. (Or, if you want to keep them around for a while, but not have them included in your book, just uncheck the “Book” and “Sample” checkboxes on these chapters in the left area.)

Focus

The visual editor is all about focusing on your words. So, when you’re writing, it’s nice to do just that. So, click the Focus link at the top left of the screen to make all the navigation links disappear. You can then click a Menu link at the top left of the screen to bring everything back.

Say Hello!

If you have any questions or feedback, please email us at hello@leanpub.com. We love hearing from authors!

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