Interrogation without Facebook

It’s 10 p.m., and I haven’t done a single thing today but write, read, play video games, and talk to Travis on the phone.

I’m fascinated by Travis and my procedure to get to know him. Since yesterday’s encounter was so brief, I didn’t even learn his age. (He’s 35, btw.)

Talking to Travis has been a huge eye-opener. Without the internet to look him up I had to prepare questions before we got together. They seemed silly to me, such as asking about his favorite hobbies, because all that information would be on his Facebook page. I worry before finally calling him that he might get mad and tell me to look him up online. People get snippy when asked about their hobbies when they’ve posted their answers online.

But, when I do call, he doesn’t tell me off at all. He doesn’t even ask about social media or request my email address to send me links to his profiles so I can read them before calling back. Instead of short answers that would leave me wishing I hadn’t called, he fills my ear with declarations and explanations. I respond in kind —- even though Travis has already read about me online. He likes hearing what I think and why from my own lips. I admire him for it. I’m equally enchanted by his art. He tells me about the songs he writes, as well as his skiing exploits, his battle with losing his sight a few years ago, his mastery of the computer, his sadness for dogs that die in movies, and his love of the card game Magic: The Gathering. I enjoy hearing about all these things.

The more he talks, the more I’m swept up in his sentences. He tells me about the time he saved a puppy from a car and raised it to be a guide dog. I gasp when he tells me he loves Star Wars. I groan when he tells me he likes vegetables more than fruit. He interrogates me, too, even about what he’s read of me online. I wonder how many followers I’ve lost on Twitter because of my absence.

I notice that three hours have passed, and we’re still arguing, agreeing, speculating, flirting, and laughing. Soon, we both have to go, but we agree to meet at my place or his in the near future. Even after we say we should go, we keep laughing. I don’t think either of us knows what we’re laughing about, but it keeps us on the phone a bit longer. Finally, I hang up first, but immediately, I want to call him back.

My experience with dating and relationships has been primarily online. If you’re gay, eventually, you look for dates online because some people are on the “down-low:” They’re not out. Some are too nervous to say in person what they’ll say online.

I view online dating as an evil utility. I know it helps people, but a guy has even pretended to be gay so that he could take me out just to win money from a bet with his friends. So, you’ll forgive my bitterness on the topic.

Since then, I’ve prioritized meeting people online first. The problem with this approach is that it’s a Catch-22. People don’t know how to display their personality. If anyone tells you they know how to be themselves online, more than half of them don’t.

I’m amazed that so many people just don’t know how to write what they think —- or even how to think about what they write online. With such an information vault at our fingertips, I’m shocked at how little personality is on dating sites. To be honest, I don’t miss the profiles that say the same thing in different ways. Some don’t even say anything at all, with short emails to boot. There are so many men to pick from, but without the benefit of photos, one profile can hardly be distinguished from the rest. A few times, I’ve seen different profiles of men who are articulate and expressive. But most of the time, it’s hard to believe so many people can have the same idea.

This reflection has me thinking. If I’d met Travis online, would he have written in very short sentences that left me bored? Would I have blocked him from my life without giving him a chance? Possibly. That would have ruined a great connection since I’d never have seen the real him. On the phone and in person, there are no delays as thoughts trickle out of you. Travis could show me who he was without even trying. Online, people try their hardest to be smooth and funny, and they often fail. I’d like to know why. Do they just type something quick and hope people will ask about the rest? I don’t know. None of my profiles are like that at all. I guess people just don’t want to feel like they’re writing for school, so they don’t write much or try to express their exact thoughts creatively with words.

This hurdle is even more complicated when you’re gay because the world isn’t always safe for us to be open about who we are. The online world has a filter that allows gay men to really be with other gay men, but it’s also a trap of perceived deductions.

Talking on the phone with Travis has been so wonderful that I think I’ll call him again before going to bed. I’ll lie in bed and read a book soon. It sure is nice not to wrinkle my face up at another profile saying, “I want a man who treats me right!” or, my personal favorite, “I’m gonna have a relationship with sum1 who is true to me.”

I’m glad I met Travis offline. The internet can teach you many things, but today and yesterday, I’ve learned that it can’t show you everything.