9. Feedback
Feedback on the first level is giving back what you see, hear and feel. On the second level feedback is giving back what the behavior of the other does to you.
Example:
I saw that your eyes look angry (notice that this is already an interpretation, see earlier) and your mouth was trembling (this is the first level). This anger made me being afraid (second level). In these two levels no evaluation occurs!
The effect of the feedback, even on the first level, is surprisingly strong. The other feels “seen” in a correct way. His existence is acknowledged much more than usually.
The second level of feedback is very relation improving: when I give back to the other what his behavior does to me, he understands what happens, and we are on our way for a real authentic relation. Even if I say really confronting things to the other, this usually enhances the relation. In a lot of situations people avoid this, because we want to ‘save’ the other person. we are afraid to go into an authentic way in a relation.
We are showing our self vulnerable and the reaction of the other can be heavy.
Real relations aren’t smooth.
Feedback can be given both verbal as non-verbal. Can be positive and negative. Feedback can be given on content or relational aspects of a communication
Example:
Ben works very precise and cleans up everything.
Jan gives feedback:
- I notice that you also watched on this and that, and that you clean up (content feedback)
- Your work is finished on every detail. (This is already more giving value then content and mainly relational feedback.)
- I experience this as very pleasant, because I can feel safe that your work is great without I have to control it. (Relational feedback on the second level: Jan tells how that makes him feels)
Feedback rule :
- I see, I hear, … (facts)
- I interpret, think, feel… (interpret)
- I feel myself (feeling), I experience
- I wish, I hope, I want
Example:
“You said that the file was ok, and it’s is not, this and that is wrong with that.”
Remark: if you would say here “you are a liar”, that is that by our definition not feedback. It is more a reproach: a reproach is partly feedback (you did this so and so), and on the other side there is a present undertone that the persons should have done it differently (a negative evaluation). Saying “you are a liar” is even more, it is an insult, a disapproval of the whole person.