Part 2: Life

The 90% of stuff that happens during college.

Chapter 9: Family

Even in high school, my family essentially left me alone. They paid the tuition without too much hassle even when I failed or took classes again. They helped out with cash when I was a little short and even didn’t ask for the money back when I pocketed a quarter’s worth of tuition when I took two quarters off school. They rarely visited me and just asked me to visit.

This may be the way it goes for most people although rare occurrences of disagreement can overshadow even the least difficult parent-child relationships.

It’s a hard balance, from one perspective, you are now free and mom and dad have a hard time facing that and at the same time, you’re not, because maybe they are paying for your school and your living expenses. They have to let you go and make mistakes but at the same time, they don’t want to see you make mistakes that could cost you your life.

UCSD campus was built on cliffs. We would often go down these cliffs for some awesome surf. One kid, Gilbert, decided to climb the cliffs. They were soft sandstone and often crumbled and fell. He was from NorCal, not used to the soft spongy clay and as he climbed, a piece fell off and Gilbert fell to his death. Here’s a case of a kid out on his own, away from the parents, a sweet and smart kid, and one stupid move and he’s dead… His parents will never see him, he will never get a diploma or travel the world.

This fear is why some parents would go crazy trying to protect their kids. One friend in college would find her mom at her dorm once a week, bringing her food but really checking up on her. It drove her crazy, but in some ways, this checking up kept her on track and out of trouble.

It’s a fine line and that line is best kept through communication. You calling your parents and talking to them will make them a lot more relaxed about you and that will, in turn, give you peace and let you have the freedom to do your best. When you stop talking to them, they will probably wonder what’s going on, start calling and maybe visit you, and that will probably keep you out of trouble and on a good path to graduate and do well in life.

There are so many distractions in college, parents can become one of them or be a great tool to keep you on track, as well as a great source of funds if you are so lucky.

I would often go see my parents on the weekends when I moved out, the talks and questions were tough when I wasn’t doing well, they frankly pissed me off. But that in the end helped me do better because when I wasn’t accountable to myself, I was at least accountable to their annoying questions.

Be thankful for the love and if you don’t have it.. then find it in yourself to help your friends and create a family for yourself in college. There are lots of kids like you, without support, without help, so help each other out, watch out for each other and be a family.. Because you will soon find out, that in the end, we do nothing for ourselves and everything for people around us.

Chapter 10: Living Situation

Who you live with and where you live will determine your success.

1. The Fun
2. Conflict Resolution
3. Cleanliness
4. Respect

“At one point I spent all of my money on beer, and just ate junk food occasionally. After a few weeks, I noticed my gums bleeding and some cuts I had were not healing. I gave myself scurvy!” Philip Andrew Sidney Bliss

There were several choices facing me when I was submitting my college housing form in May of High School senior year: live in dorms on campus, live off campus with other students, or stay at home. My parents “misled” me by saying they would get me my own place, so I chose home. Although it was a lot cheaper than moving out, I don’t know if that was the best choice. At home I didn’t worry about money as much but because I did not live close enough to the school, but I was at a severe disadvantage because I had early morning classes and had to drive through traffic. This was exacerbated by the fact that I was not especially disciplined.

My first year was spent getting to the bus station early in the morning and then taking about an hour to get to my 8am class, only to fall asleep promptly when I sat down in class completely exhausted. This was a very poor return on investment, as saving money on living expenses and then getting C’s in classes is a net loss.

My best semesters as far as grades went were when I was living with my girlfriend ten minutes from the school by bike. It was great, except that when the relationship hit rough patches, my schoolwork suffered as well. Fights until four am can really eat into study time. However, with careful planning, these hiccups can easily be avoided.

Conflicts and Conflict Resolution

I had a lot of roommates over the years and eventually, there was almost always some kind of conflict. Not serious, but enough to where they negatively impacted the flow of the relationship. To keep problems from sneaking up on you, you should first make sure that you can get along. Spend at least a few hours a week bonding with each other. Doing that will ensure that you hash out problems before they get out of hand. Like with any relationship; it’s all about communication.

However, if there is a problem, follow these three steps:
1. Smile.

1. Tell your roommate that you like them and are not trying to do harm.
2. Ask how the issues can be resolved.

This happened to me when I was living with a couple of Korean guys near campus. One of them flipped out because I was living in the living room at the time and blocked off the whole room off for myself without asking for permission when my girlfriend was visiting me. I know it was disrespectful on my part, but totally fixable. He just needed to talk to me but didn’t. We resolved things amicably later because I followed the steps I outlined above.

Two of the biggest issues that creep in between roommates are laziness (aka selfishness) and significant others. Don’t let you or your roommates’ partners change the dynamic, it will throw everyone off. Make sure to keep your time split between your partner’s and your own place, communicate with your roomies, and don’t forget to be respectful of their needs. Living problems can spill into your love life as well, and then you will have to deal with triple stress as your schoolwork starts to suffer from all of your social drama.

Relationships with roommates, friends, and girlfriends are all founded on the same principles, and all of them go smoother with empathy. So try to walk in their shoes and do unto them as you would have them do unto you. Even if you have tests and stress, do your best to be compassionate so that they understand that you understand why they do what they do. With compassion and communication they will be more likely to help you, ie. not play loud music while you are studying or by putting a towel under the door while they are having sex.

Big No No’s
Never sleep with your roommate’s boy/girlfriend. Unless of course, they ask you to join.

If you’re going to have a party, I recommend that you invite-only friends and hide the important stuff behind lock and key. This will save you the anguish of someone stealing your old iMac with all of your art projects on it, as happened to a friend of mine. However, if that happens to you, get over it; if you’re not Picasso, your art projects are crap anyway and if you are, then you probably were more careful about storing your important work than leaving it on an old computer in a garage during a rager.

Beer and Food

If you eat it, replace it! And not with lesser quality crap and not with less quantity. Ie, replace organic with organic food and a twelve-pack with a twelve-pack, not a couple of leftover cans. In fact, if you plan to be lazy and eat your roommate’s food, replace it with more than you ate so as to not make them resent even buying food because they know that they will have to buy it again just to have you eat it again. When your food is eaten, it always seems like more was taken than there really was. It’s our nature to lament the loss, so be considerate and compensate them for your laziness with quantity plus interest.

Here are some basic Roommate Rules, feel free to copy this page and place it on your refrigerator:

House Rules: * Be considerate * Be Clean * Don’t be anal/OCD (if you are, be a pall, get a single or see a therapist) * Put a towel under the door if you have “someone” over. * Replace food with more than you took. * Do bills together. * Do not sleep with the partner of a roommate. (Unless asked to join) * Do not use their stuff if you tend to break stuff. * If you break it, replace it. * Watch out for each other. * See each other once a day. * Hang out once a week.

If you are living with a boy/girlfriend same rules as above but also: * Don’t cheat * Don’t live together, (it’s not worth it and it usually doesn’t work out.) * Don’t be a little bitch (do everything they ask and then resent it.) * Chill out if you’re angry (it’s probably not worth getting too angry over anyway.) * Do not keep things bottled-up inside either, (that’s probably why you’re yelling at each other now) * If you’re paying for everything, something’s wrong, don’t be an idiot.

These rules might seem self-explanatory, but trust me, even the best of us have difficulties once we stop using our brains, and anyone who has ever dated or had a big fight with a roommate knows exactly what that’s like.

One of the biggest issues that come up is a misunderstanding of expectations and cultural differences. If you don’t understand why someone does something, ask. If you have a problem with something, say it. Most of the time, the people you live with are nice and understanding and will work with you or explain to you. If they don’t and act like jerks then you probably shouldn’t live with them.

Finally, if you do decide to live at home, good luck getting a date, although if your mom cooks, you may be able to entice your date with a home-cooked meal.

In the end, if you’re fun, respectful, clean, and respectfully ask for the same, living with others should not be a problem and in fact, will leave you with lifelong friends and great memories.

Chapter 11: Frats and Sororities.

1. Why should you join
2. Parties
3. What to expect
4. When to join
5. Which to join
6. Benefits
7. Cons

I was sitting with my brothers in the courtyard of the SDSU fraternity house. Jeff, one of the founding employees of Sun Microsystems, was sitting with his back to a wall with about twenty guys forming a semi-circle around him. We were drinking Bud Lights as he doled out life advice. I sat enamored with the moment, thinking: when else and how else could I ever imagine having this opportunity, to listen to someone like Jeff giving advice in such a small and intimate setting?

Sure, this is no Yale, where the elite Bonesman sit in the Tomb and listen to a Bush or a fortune 500 CEO, but even if I had been accepted into Yale, I probably wouldn’t have been invited to a gathering like that. I’m the son of an immigrant engineer. For me, this was a great start and I was devouring every word that left Jeff’s mouth.

A couple months later, I was initiated, along with forty other guys. Although it was a tough decision, I was glad I made it. I was a senior in college, I could afford the yearly dues and the other brothers were similar to me: driven, honest, accomplished. This was not a frat kind of frat. It was something we had created, being the founding father class. We wrote the constitution in late-night sessions, we picked the first and second class of incoming brothers, we created the organization and I wouldn’t give up my time in the frat for the world.

But even the best-mannered fraternities have their moments. I remembered one of our guys got wasted at our first big party at a local brewhouse. I was asked to take him home and he was belligerent. He complained about a girl that he left at the party. He was worried that someone would see him drunk at the dorm because he was working as an RA (resident advisor). When we finally got to his dorm, he realized that he left his keys in his car. We got back into my car and drove to the brewhouse to get the keys but now he decided that he would drive. This became a serious confrontation. I wouldn’t let him drive and he wouldn’t go with me. At this point, he forgot about the previous girl and was now talking to some random girl that had been forgotten by her friends and stranded in the parking.

At that point it was getting ridiculous, so I called the president of the fraternity, Jason. Jason’s advice showed his talent as a true leader excelling at thinking outside of the box, he said, “Punch him in the jaw, I’ll take responsibility for it.” I couldn’t believe it. Violence? This seemed like a terrible idea. But it was three am, I was fed up, I gave him another chance and then the punch came. It wasn’t a hard punch, it was actually pretty flimsy. I didn’t want to hurt him. But he was shocked. He got in the car and called his cousin as we drove through the empty streets, complaining about it as I took him home. The next day, I got a big apology and a thank you for what I did for him, as well as a great story to tell.

There are many reasons to join a frat, and stories like these are some of them. There are parties, but parties are something you can find anywhere and there is no reason to pay for them. There is camaraderie, having over a hundred people with whom to share a deep and lasting connection. You will face situations you never thought you would. You will meet friends who will start businesses and become successful people. You will meet and deal with dirt-bags, money problems and be molded into a leader. Even after graduating, I continued to make friends from the fraternity as I came back to alumni events. It didn’t have the same closeness of going through classes and events together, but we became friends nevertheless.

Sororities

To be frank, I originally was not sure why they exist. The girls fought with each other all the time. There was a lot of drama and sleeping around. Maybe it depended on the sorority.

However, women I know who I respect and who joined sororities do speak highly of them in the end. I’ve seen the great events that they often put on including socials and humanitarian drives. I think they offer the same opportunities that they offer men and it all depends on which one you join and what you seek from the experience.

They also created a great way for men and women to network together. I’m still in touch with some of the sorority girls I met through my fraternity who I see doing well in life and who I would have never met otherwise.

Also, it was a lot of fun hanging out together. For instance, there was a tradition that new recruits would be put to bed by sorority sisters. It usually required a lot of alcohol. There were the socials that would be anything from ice-skating to house parties. Things that we probably would not have done in a group setting otherwise.

When to join

Some join at the beginning of their arrival at school. To me, this meant a lot of money upfront and being confined to the “greek” system. I joined later and had a large network of people by the time I joined.

However, I did not bond as well with a lot of people in the fraternity because I did not spend as much time or share those early experiences that create the connections that so many “greeks” get by joining early on.

Which one to join

Fraternities and sororities begin recruiting during the first or second week of the semester. It’s a good chance to meet everyone and to decide which one you like and to see if they like you as well.

There is a fraternity for everyone. Nerdy, fun, jock, Asian, Jewish, Muslim etc. Whatever you join, make sure it is you; make sure it is comprised of people that you like, people that you get along with, and that you think you could rely on. If you choose well in all likelihood you will be invited to join because you are just like them and you fit in naturally. You will make connections and friends for life, so if there is a fraternity on campus that you like, then go for it.

Benefits

By joining a fraternity, you learn organization, leadership, and teamwork. In some cases the budgets can be substantial, you may have to take responsibility for a lot of irresponsible brothers and make some tough decisions. Some people liken running a fraternity to running a business or creating a start-up. It certainly isn’t easy, but no rewarding experience ever is. The things that your brothers will do for you are very rewarding.
For instance, I once arrived in San Jose and had no place to stay and nowhere to go. One phone call to my brother Sol and he was at the airport taking me to his place. When you join a fraternity you’re never truly alone, and that is an amazing feeling.

Reasons not to join them

There are downsides to fraternities. For one, they take up a lot of time. You are required to learn about the secrets and history of the organization and you have to plan events and spend a lot of time socializing. There is a huge amount of gossip and internecine conflict within the “greek” system because it is a small community, so word gets around. The nice thing is that it is mostly inconsequential.

The other thing to think about is that there are still fraternities and sororities that haze. I joined one that did away with hazing decades ago, but many still do. They say they allow a class to bond, but I see it as an excuse for sadists to exercise their sadism. I was pretty old by then and didn’t care to have underclassmen humiliate me. But hey, some dig it, so it’s up to you if that’s your cup of tea.

There are also sometimes bad apples that create rotten orchards. While in the good orchards they are cast out. If they are not cast out, the bad apples exert influence and eventually take over take over creating a bad orchard out of a good one. The bonds of brotherhood and the social pressure to protect your own can create a conflict of interest and put you in a bad situation when your brothers are out of line.

We had an experience where a fraternity brother was kicked out because he could not handle himself at a party and started groping girls. Our president Jason was young but strong and idealistic. He made sure that this guy was out and could not represent us and set a poor example for the others. As the alum, Jeff said to us that day over beers, “Don’t contaminate the gene pool.”

Chapter 12: The Girlfriend/Boyfriend

“Nothing is as rewarding and beneficial as love, nothing is as destructive either.”

1. Benefits!
2. The negatives
3. Moving-in together
4. Long Distance relationships
5. Dating around

The first time I met my first girlfriend, she walked through the door and it literally took my breath away. I remembered this girl because she had passed by me a week before and I felt the same way. That night, we spent the entire night talking and then, the next five years dating. The strain it was under when it became a long-distance relationship lead to a breakup that we just couldn’t have managed to make earlier. Today she is married and we are still friends.

So what can I recommend from my experience? I can say that it depends on where you live. In San Diego and other big cities, it is becoming more and more difficult for a lot of people to have a relationship in high school or college that lasts. There is simply too much life to experience and too many people to meet. That makes it nearly impossible for some people to choose to forgo those experiences for the sake of the relationship. At smaller schools and in small college towns it is a lot easier. For instance, at Purdue University, my friend in her mid-twenties found it extremely difficult to find potential suitors as most grad students were already married. While in San Diego, there was no shortage of willing partners. So let’s go over why should you date, why shouldn’t you date, how to survive dating and when you should (and you should) take the plunge.

Why date?

If you are serious about studying and doing well in college, few people realize it because it may seem counter-intuitive, but a stable relationship can help you focus and buckle down to work. A stable relationship, even with its ups and downs, keeps you from going out too often, keeps you from the emotional rollercoaster of dating drama, removes the distraction of sexual frustration, and gives you a place to go and a friend who’s always there for you.

While a miserable relationship can be extremely destructive, a stable one is grounding and extremely beneficial. When you have a relationship in college, you experiment with the rules and some may try to get by without any boundaries. A relationship without rules, however, can be a disaster. Even such a simple rule as knowing who you can and can’t see is crucial because if that girl across the hall has her eyes on you, a good girlfriend will find a way to keep the threats out of a relationship, which will keep both of you happy in the long run.

There are other more mundane rules, like not letting the stress of exams get to each other because that is the prime time for fights to occur. Holding out on those until the end of exams is a great policy.

Cons

The negatives for some are of course not being able to sleep around, enjoy your youthful experimentation, and missing out on partying with friends. So get it out of your system before the relationships and don’t forget, there’s always grad school.

Virginity

A lot of people who go to college were late bloomers and probably never had sex or even had time for sex in High School. So your first time will probably be in college. I’d say it can be a horrible or a good experience. So pick wisely, be in a good situation where you are in control, and don’t freak out.

There will be liquids and smells that you’ve never seen or smelled. So do some research beforehand. Talk it all out with your partner. Talking is hard in college but you’re a mature young man/woman so I have faith that you will make it a good time. Also, I recommend reading the Kama Sutra, the original, not the semi-porn with pictures you find at the bookstore. It is a two-thousand-year-old ultimate guide to relationships and sex and will make a pro out of anyone.

Living Together

Sometimes, it makes financial sense to move in together. I’m not a big advocate of this as most relationships break up after the strain of living together. Unless two people are ready for a mature and committed (meaning thinking of getting married) relationship, moving in together is a surefire way to end what either could be have been a promising young love that needed some time to ripen, or to get you stuck in a rut and stubbornly clinging to something that should have been over a long time before.

People who live together often let each other slide on things that they otherwise wouldn’t tolerate, and that creates problems in the end. Imagine, you live together but you figure it’s not forever, so you are ok with them not picking stuff up or leaving things out. But then you get married, and now you start voicing your opinion and the other person is thinking: “What the hell, this used to be fine before marriage.” So now, the marriage gets blamed, more stress occurs and eventually, it leads to divorce.

So when living together, be honest with things that bother you. Split chores evenly. Be responsible financially. It sounds basic but if you can do that, you will be alright.

Long Distance

Due to the many transitions, from high school to college, transfers to different schools, or moving on to another school for advanced degrees, long-distance relationships are a common challenge for college students. And while it is common, most find that it is nearly always a bad thing and usually ends in a breakup. Usually, you stay together because one person isn’t strong enough to break up with the other one. You still care for each other but the two of you end up wanting to date other people and feel ashamed about it while still acknowledging that they love and care for the person far away. It creates a cycle of longing, sadness, and misery that slowly eats you up inside. Both partners will begin to have wandering eyes and then get suspicious and jealous. The loneliness and pain of separation will cause stress and possibly even depression that can have a serious negative impact on one’s performance in school.

Puppy love does not survive long distances. In reality, long-distance only works in the short term in relationships that are strong and have been strong, where both partners are committed, mature, and trust each other. It should be reserved for older people, like my boss Kevin. He had a long-distance, cross-country relationship for six years while he went through grad school and his girlfriend went to business school. They had already been committed for years and had a solid foundation. So their relationship survived and they now live and work together, because they were mature and dated each other long enough to survive the stress and strain of separation.

So if you’re going to get into this type of relationship, remember a few of these few things. * One thing that can make it easier today is the ability to Skype and see each other online. So set designated times and make it a date. * Also, seeing each other in person once every month or two is a must to keep the relationship strong. * Of course, there has to be an end date, so that the two can look forward to a definite end and the certainty of being reunited.

The awesome thing about a long-distance relationship is the high you feel when you finally see your partner. All that repressed energy and affection bubbles to the surface with giddy excitement and then you spend an entire weekend just focused on the two of you, it is truly wonderful. You get to share a lot and really spend time with each other. When two people in a long-distance relationship see each other, they don’t take the time together for granted, and really squeeze the most out every minute. A long-term relationship can offer that stability without the fights and can be a great way to grow together, but it has to be done right and if you follow the few rules outlined above, you can do it.

Dating Around

When dating in college, have fun! But remember one thing, karma is a bitch. Be honest about your intentions when you start. It may be tempting to do things like cheating but don’t allow others to cheat with you.

Rape and sexual assault are a huge problem on campuses for guys and girls. It has to be addressed because the majority of women and some college men are experiencing rape or assault every day. Many times the partner (guy usually but sometimes a girl) is just drunk or just doesn’t take time to listen. You never know how someone acts in every situation, which means that dating a so-called nice guy can and sometimes sadly often result in date rape. Because the fact is, it is usually someone you know and would have never suspected because the rules aren’t clear, intentions aren’t understood or communicated. Or people are immature and do stupid stupid things without thinking that they later regret for the rest of their lives.

If you’re a guy and even if you think you’d never and that you’re not the type, know that you can do something stupid to hurt someone. Just like no one ever thinks they’d hurt anyone because they drive and drink. So if you have a friend who you see getting too drunk and too physical, step in, don’t worry about anger at the moment, they will thank you later.

As an example, there was a guy at our fraternity who spent a night with a girl. They were both drunk. Maybe he thought that she flirted with him, maybe she did. Regardless, his friends also should have stopped him. It was a huge deal. He was arrested and it was preventable.

But most importantly, remember people can be jerks, so don’t be one. Respect the other person, they’re not a thing, they are a person, who can also go to the police and should. So don’t be stupid. And if something happened to you, talk to someone. Don’t hold it in, it is not your fault.

So I hope this helps you to know that there are options. Be safe, watch out for each other and learn as you go, and don’t take most things too seriously because fact is, you probably won’t be married until your thirties anyway.

Chapter 13: Working While in College, No one said you can’t.

1. Why work?
2. Internships
3. Menial Jobs
4. Lab work
5. How to get one
6. What to work on

There are very few kids lucky enough to go through college without having to pay tuition and/or having to work for a living. I knew a lot of kids who worked on campus, off-campus, in labs, in bars, you name it. Each is perfectly acceptable and you should choose whatever is best for you personally. Whatever you choose to do, whether you need money or not, I advise that you do what you like and make sure that it goes along with your life plan. If you work retail and you’re studying biology, you’re wasting your time. On the other hand, if you’re studying business, retail may be a valuable place of experience.

The job you choose should have relevance to your career path because part-time jobs are not just about getting a paycheck, the right job teaches you valuable lessons about work, provides experience for your resume after graduating, and introduces you to people in your field, and gives you contacts that you can rely on to find work after graduation.

I fell into my profession by accident. I was at a party and a family friend happened to be a Professor of Electrical Engineering at my University, after chatting for a bit he and invited me to come to his lab. I showed up at Shaya’ss small office on the fourth floor of a spaceship-looking building. It was a tidy room with a bookcase full of books. He didn’t say much, just that I should go to the lab in the basement and talk to his Ph.D. student Wataru. Wataru spoke with me for about five minutes. He asked which classes I’ve taken (pretty much none at the time, I was a freshman) but I did have some graphics experienced having had my own magazine. Wataru told me to come back the next day to help with some posters.

I put together presentations and posters for the lab that lined the halls. As I took more classes, I was given more projects, my jobs expanded to working with fiber optic cables, learning about optical components, and eventually to work on things no one had ever worked on before at the time.

I had a tough time showing up to that first meeting. I felt guilty getting this chance through the family. Lucky for me, I talked it over with friends first. My best friend told me to take the opportunity and go with it. This one little decision made me change my major and led me to start clubs, meet people across the world and work on some amazing projects. You will have a lot of decisions in your life. Pick three people who know you and whose opinion you trust and ask them for advice when you doubt yourself, they will make all the difference in your life.

The lesson here is to always get advice and to jump on every good opportunity that presents itself. Each one opens new doors, so don’t worry about missing out on a bigger opportunity to come, you have to take the small ones now to have larger ones in the future.

At one point I quit college. I’ll go into that in another chapter, but while I was out of college, I worked several odd jobs. Unlike the nice University job where I was paid well, had good hours, and was blessed with an easy-going and friendly boss, those jobs were tough; they were menial, the bosses were impatient and demanding and so I quickly learned about what I did and didn’t want out of a job. I learned that I did not want to work for minimum wage, that I wanted to get a degree and to have a better life than life without an education offered. I learned that the real world outside of college is tough, callous and making very little money means hard work, struggling, and little freedom to do the things that brought me joy.

Things I learned working at jobs:

Be dependable

One of the jobs during my time off was at a photo lab. I got the job off the street, no interview, no application. I told the owner that I used to work as a photographer at a magazine that I founded and that was enough for her. I was late the first day, and the third day and on the fifth day I was late again and she fired me. What I learned was that people count on you and when you make a promise, you have to keep it. The work at a small shop relies on customer service and it relied on me be there and me being late meant that she couldn’t rely on me. All of my good work with photoshop and machines counted for little if she couldn’t count on me to show up when she needed me.

Know which fights to pick

After I got fired, I had a tough time finding another job. It was the 2001 recession after 9/11 and I was overqualified. I finally found one for minimum wage at a local deli. I had to be there at 7:30 answering the phone, washing dishes, and making lettuce. It was humiliating and humbling to go from lasers to dishes.

But I saw myself being more and more valuable to the business. One day the owner came up to me to ask me to make deliveries since the delivery driver was leaving for vacation. I said yes and later thought that he should reimburse me more than tips. Instead of saying that at the time, I told him as he was about to send me on a delivery. He fired me.

Lucky for me, the owner’s wife had more sense to talk to him and me, or else I really would have been fired. Although he would have been right, I should have been fired for picking a fight at such a moment.

Menial Jobs- Tip the poor guys

At that time I was able to get a second job as a parking lot attendant. I was working in a parking lot in the gay area of San Diego and until the business owners of the shops nearby realized that I was straight, they were giving me a lot of attention. The look of disappointment upon learning I was straight was classic.

I sat in my little booth for hours on end taking people’s tickets and asking them for money back. It was boring work and I spent a lot of time just reading books and studying for fall when I would be going back to school. For me, the best part of the day after working both jobs was getting 15-20 dollars in tips. It made a difference and I recommend to everyone that if you go out there, give the poor people a little extra. It may not mean a lot monetarily for you but it meant a lot to me and lifted my spirit to go home with a little bit of cash in my pocket.

Your work position does not define you, your goals and work ethic do

Today it doesn’t matter that I was a delivery boy for a while, or that I had worked at a grocery store when I was young. It doesn’t even matter that I put up Christmas lights when I was thirty in between jobs because what mattered were my goals. When I worked at a grocery store, I was really just earning money so that I was could go to college.

When I was working on rooftops stringing lights, I was earning money while I was working on a book. When I am working as an engineer, I am working on a career and I am working on my goals, I am working on a product I believe in and that feels great, but no matter how I felt about any particular job, the work ethic I had was the same. You should do your best at every endeavor you try and it will pay off because that is what it takes to achieve one’s goals.

Work at work hard, but work at school harder

A lot of people when working at school will skip classes because they care more about money than classes. But each class you skip counts for ten workdays you skip because the money you earn during college is pennies compared to how much you will earn after college. The job you will have after college will give you healthcare, nice hours, a kind boss, and vacation time in addition to the good pay. You should consider your classes your job, and apply the same work ethic because in the end, your degree is what’s going to be getting you a decent paycheck.

My roommate Masha was once fired from a waitressing job because to her, waitressing was a dead end, but the school had no limits. She found a tutoring job with better hours and bosses who cared more about her well-being than their paychecks. It worked out for both, but that attitude allowed her to get straight As, which gave her far more than extra the 20 dollars she would have made if she had skipped a class to be a good waitress.

Internships

Some internships are free (avoid those), some are not (usually in engineering). I decided to get an internship for a company that worked on rockets. It took me about a year of consistent emailing, visiting, and waiting to get the interview. At the interview, I was asked a few questions including some basic electronics and programming that I managed to answer and get the job.

This internship leads me to have mentors with who I am still in touch today. It gave me the experience to get better jobs. I also got practical work skills in my area of study and met a lot of good friends.

At this job, there were a lot of young people. They were a few years older than me but they would invite me out with them to bars and house parties.

The company had a holiday party on a cruise ship. We went to Ensanada and I got to bring my girlfriend with me. My boss got me a cigar and a drink and that’s the kind of thing that will not happen when you are work-working because the relationship between boss and worker is more of hierarchy rather than mentorship, which is more of a friendship and companionship.

Lab Jobs I managed to score work on campus through a friend of my family. At first, it was just making presentations and flash animations. But then it grew to write code for data gathering applications and doing actual experiments. This was work I was doing as a second-year and by the third or fourth year in college when I was hitting graduate and undergraduate courses, I had so much experience with the practical application that theoretical courses were much easier for me than for others, or would have been if I had no preparation.

Working with graduate students also gave me access to labs and lounges and a lot of social experiences. I got to know the professor well who I would often come back and see even years later and get his letter of recommendation for jobs and college applications.

The graduate students would teach me valuable life lessons as well as a lot about the profession and what it looks like to be a Ph.D. student. We also would hang out from time to time, even after graduation I would run into them at conferences and we would go out for beers and I would get their help with career development.

These are the kinds of things that a lot of people skip in college but they can pay off massive dividends throughout life.

So work hard, pick your jobs carefully and never forget why you are working: to afford an education so that later on you work less, earn more, and have a better life; don’t cheat yourself by neglecting study for a little side cash or more entertaining things now at the expense of your education.

Chapter 14: Getting First Post College Job

If you do what you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life” -Ruth Ginsburg, first female CEO.

1. When to start looking for one.
2. Where to look for one. (Friends, Family, LinkedIn)
3. What kind of company to work for. (Big, Small, Medium, Start-Up)
4. How to look for one(Cover Letter, Resume, etc)
5. Interview: How to act before, during, and after.
6. Negotiating pay.
7. First Job.
8. How to act.
9. How to quit.

At some point, you’re going to graduate and all those years of high school, college and all the advice from this will book will culminate in your first job. Remember a job? That thing your parents said you were going to need one day when you’re all grown up and have to start paying all those bills? Well, that feeling of being an adult is here (or will be here). I know you don’t feel it (it’s been ten years for me and I still don’t feel it) but now you gotta go and get that job and make a living.

A lot of recent graduates have no idea what job they want, what to apply for, or where to look for it. Many get service jobs and have horrible resumes which they send out into the void without hope. However, if you do it right, you should have to send only a handful of resumes to well-picked companies where you have done some probing and found the names of the hiring managers. Out of those submissions, you should have gotten several interviews and had your first offer within a few weeks of starting your search.

My first job after college was not easy to get. Most people think that you go to college, have fun, graduate, then a bunch of people want you and they pay you lots of money and then you’re rich! And that’s exactly how it does not go. Sorry to tell you, but even if you are an Ivy League graduate, you will need to have work experience on the resume to compete, and I’m not talking about Jamba Juice. I’m talking about some real-life work experience.

If you want an easy time finding a job with good pay, you will have to put in some work at a summer job or internship while you’re studying. And if you’re working while you’re in school, then you may as well make it in the field you plan to work in.

My first job in school was my first job after finishing high school. I heard about internships, submitted my resume, and then got two interviews. One was for a pharmaceutical company creating artificial blood and lungs and the other at Mcdonald’s. I gave McDonald’s a try, but when they said that they want me to organize files, I said goodbye and began doing odd jobs for the pharmaceutical company the rest of the summer. A job like that can give you valuable skills that you can use at the next job. I was testing batches of artificial lungs in ovens, fixing industrial printers, and doing web design.

At the end of that job, I decided I didn’t hate engineering and stuck to my major, which is what you want at the end of an internship. Not to stick to your first choice necessarily, but just to gain awareness of whether or not it is what you want. At the very least, you now have a credible, professional resume and people who could vouch for you.

Getting the job You’re going to have to find it first and there are two scenarios: one is that economic times are great so you go to where you want to work (search well) apply, apply, apply over and over until they have a position for you and hire you. The other is economic times are bad and you will have to network your little hiney off. I found my job during “The Great Recession” while I was volunteer coaching at a high school. My middle school wrestling coach was looking to hire an engineer and so there I was, hired by someone I knew. So try to remain calm and keep your eye out, employers hate seeing a pushy, stressed and desperate applicant. Just imagine that it like dating.

So you network or apply and you have a bunch of jobs under your belt, you are ready to send a resume. Having experience means nothing if you can’t get it across to someone who is looking at you on a piece of paper; you have to be able to present your work and experience in a way that other people reading your resume will be able to grasp what you are trying to communicate. As an engineer, I had no idea how to do that. But I didn’t know that I didn’t know that.

I remember I went to see a talk by Jim Branson at UCSD. Jim Branson was the owner and founder of SpaceDev (it was part of Sierra Nevada Corp). This was the company that put Spaceship 1 in orbit. I knew I wanted to get a job there and I sent them resume after resume. After a week or so of no response, I would tweak the resume again and send it again. When I still got no response back, I went to my parents for help, they shredded it and I remade the resume. I sent it in again and there was no response. I went to the career center on campus and they shredded it again and I fixed it and again I sent it to SpaceDev. After eight or nine months, my resume represented me and my experience in such a way that another person could pick it up and say yes, I want to see this person for an interview. I got the interview and got the job.

My point is that you may think you have something great, but until you ask others for help and review it, you don’t know. So keep fixing and keep sending.

The thing about sending in your resume, again and again, is that it shows that you want to work there. People don’t build companies to just make money, they build them because they believe in something and they want people working with them to believe in what they believe. Because people like that will work tirelessly to create what they want to create.

This is why you have to apply to a company where you want to work and to a company that you believe in. Because you cannot fake enthusiasm, you cannot fake knowledge. Learn about them, know them, ask lots and lots of questions and never be afraid. Fear will lose you the interview, fearlessness will just keep you from getting the wrong job. As Steve Jobs said “Keep looking, never settle” if you find your passion you will have the motivation to keep going and never stop.

Resume Basics

When it comes to resumes there’s less of a what to do and more of a what not to do, and you would be surprised about how much of what one ought not to is done routinely by new grads and experienced people alike.

As far as the do’s go, you want a clean, basic, honest, and succinct resume. As far as the don’ts go, I’ll just list some glaring ones that I saw when I had friends send me theirs for review.

• No more than a page. If you’re so accomplished that you have more than a page, then they know of you already and you don’t need a resume.
• No @college emails. Unless it’s MIT, no one cares.
• Irrelevant experiences that you think “show” what a great applied experience you may have, an employer sees it as padding at best and throws it straight into the trash at worst.
• Objective that uses the word “learning”, your new bosses don’t want to teach you, they want someone who knows who they are and knows what they will do.
• Overly wordy cover letters, experience, or skills. Drill it down to the bare essentials. This will take a lot of work, but you’re trying to get someone to give you money; it’s worth it.
• Being vague, know what you want.
• Sending it out to someone who may be concerned. It’s the Internet age, if you can’t find someone at the company to send it to then you’re not doing enough homework.
• Read it ten times and only then have someone else read it. You want mistakes caught like using the wrong name and those kinds of mistakes are caught only if you’ve done your part of the work and removed all of the big mistakes.

There were some sticky points for me when I was looking for jobs: I didn’t want to work for a defense contractor. Defense is great, we all need it, but I didn’t want to build something that I knew contributed to killing people. So when I took a well-paying job at a defense contractor where the CEO promised he wouldn’t give me that kind of work, I was naive enough to believe him. I sold out. He gave me a project creating rifle scopes and I couldn’t work on it in good conscience. I did not believe in the project I was assigned to and I ended up losing that job. If you cannot believe in what you’re doing, you will not do your best and you will not satisfy yourself or your boss. This is why you have to be true to yourself.

When you are true to yourself, you also have confidence when you walk into the interview. You know why you are there, you know what you can do and that fearlessness and assuredness will carry you through the questions you know and don’t know. It almost doesn’t matter what you answer as much as how you answer. This is not to say, if you’re an idiot and don’t know your shit you will get away with it, a good engineer will spot BS and throw you out before you have time to even recognize what went wrong.

After the interview, send an email to the people who interviewed you. If you did well they will give you their cards, if you didn’t then they won’t and you probably applied for the wrong job. Do not send a pretty letter to HR, do not spray perfume on it, do not email HR. They don’t care, they will not pass it on, they will send it straight to the trash.

Where to work

I have worked for all kinds of firms- big companies, small companies, medium companies, and even start-ups.

Start-ups
Let me get to start-up first because that’s what everyone wants to know about. Start-ups take a lot of money and a lot of work and are like winning a lottery, you hear about the winner but most of the players are losers. They are usually run by people who don’t know the business, creating a product that may or may not work for customers who may or may not exist. It’s fun, it’s great, but I would recommend it only for the very young (nothing to lose) or the very old (nothing to lose).

The most important thing to consider when looking at a start-up is the people. Do you believe that the people can execute their plans? Are they talkers or doers? If the people creating the product are those who can set out to get something done and can get it done, then you are likely to succeed. But if your team is a bunch of people who couldn’t get anything done somewhere else and this is another attempt at doing something after countless failures, then you may very well be wasting your time, end up making no money, end up jaded by the experience. So my advice after the several start-ups I’ve seen is to be careful before jumping in, and if you have any reservations about the people, don’t do it. You might regret it later if it goes huge, but in all likelihood, it will not.

Large Corporations
Big companies are great because there are lots of people to do the jobs you don’t want to do. You learn little about the product and most of your learning is about the bureaucracy of the company. If you learn it well enough, you will see a bright and promising career and you can see yourself rising through the ranks. Should you engage in prideful fighting over details hoping to show others how smart you are, then you are very likely to be laid off. You don’t have to do a great job at a big company, just look busy and don’t make other people’s job any worse than it is. They are probably just as bored and uninspired as you are. The giant machine with a tiny clog can wipe the spirit out of even the most spirited little clog.

Some companies however are great at keeping the spirit alive. I saw once how Intel encouraged its workers through bonuses, team meetings, and posters to remind them of goals. This was great, but most people just followed their job description, kept quiet about their lack of motivation and dissatisfaction with their bosses, and did their best.

Medium Companies
Medium-sized companies offer that middle ground of support and expectation of hard constant work. I would say it is my favorite but it does depend on the job and the company. It also offers enough room to move around and the ability to compensate the workers.

Small Companies
Small companies on the other hand can be volatile, are full of politics, always short on resources, and have a lot of challenges. The place where I had to build a rifle scope was that way and it was great. Except for the fact I had no choice as far as what projects to do and when your heart isn’t into your work, you will have a tough time biting the bullet and putting in an eight to ten-hour workday.

But it is usually a tight-knit team where everyone helps out and you will more than once go out with the CEO for beers.

Tips While at Work:

Under-promise, Over-deliver

Some people think that they have to constantly work and they burn out. Some people have no idea how to work, they are thrown out. And then some take their vacations, work eight hours a day, don’t brown nose, and just get their shit done.

That’s my MO. I remember when I was at Luxtera and I was hourly. I traveled every two months. I would work my hiney off and then take off for a week or two to some far-off place. The important part was always to be dependable. Get your work done, keep your bosses and co-workers happy, don’t leave for so long that they have to replace you, and then all the rest is up to you. One thing is estimating how much time something will take you to do. Usually, whatever you think it takes, multiply that by two. Especially if you are new because you will have some snags, you may have to pick up someone’s slack, and no matter what you want to finish early or on time so that your boss is not angry. If you finish early, I recommend keeping it to yourself, then when you come back from that vacation, you can hand him your work and he is happy rather than slamming 15 more hours on you and making that vacation just another daydream.

Salary

To figure out how much you should be paid, just be honest with yourself and know your worth. Check how much other people earn. For instance, even though the internet was pervasive and I could check out how much others were paid with my education, I didn’t know exactly how much to ask for unless I asked my co-workers while I was interning. I found out a reasonable salary range beforehand and went to the interview with that knowledge so that when the time for the negotiations came, I had no issues discussing pay and generally was offered the amount that made me happy.

When you’re earning your worth, you do not work with the fear that you’re being paid too much or that someone is using you and that you could earn more somewhere else. That peace of mind is important, so you should not compromise if you don’t have to. Be firm but polite, so long as you can back up what you’re asking for.

Coworkers

Don’t burn bridges, you will meet those assholes again and be good to the good people, they will push you ahead and you can often pull them to wherever you are working. Aside from that, enjoy these people, they probably have the same passion as you and you are working toward the same goals. So invite them to BBQs, go out to happy hour because workers that have fun together accomplish great things together. After all, if you’re reading this book, you’re not just going to have a job, you’re going to have a passion.

Quitting

If you have to quit, you probably knew it a while before. Be a sport, ask for that raise or change in assignment first, and don’t be so scared of rejection. If you have to be scared of your boss, you may need a new boss anyway and if you ask for those things, they may give it to you saving you the trouble of searching for a new job. If they do not give what you feel you need and you really want to jump ship, make sure to get something lined up before getting out. At least throw the line and see what comes up. Then when you get something else, give the boss a couple of week’s notice and always go for an exit lunch and ask what you could have done better. Your boss will most likely give you a great set of pointers that will prove to be invaluable.

Jumping ship makes sense for two reasons, the company is falling apart and you are no longer learning. Don’t waste your life stagnating, as soon as you’re done learning you should be looking for the next venture. However, if the company is crumbling you better get out before it’s too late or you will be getting unemployed and that is a terrible thing to have to deal with if you have a mortgage and kids, so better to go early than be caught off guard. After the mass layoffs from a company going under, you’re competing with all of your former fellow employees for the few local jobs.

If you can sense things are getting worse, be the first to leave and find a job when you don’t have a dozen other people with the same qualifications competing with you. How do you know, you ask? You see smart people leaving. Smart people don’t leave good places.

Fired

Chances are, you will be laid off, you will be fired, you will lose your job. Recessions happen, downturns occur, companies go bankrupt, you majorly screw up. This is how it will feel: like a truck just ran you over.

You will think: “Will I ever get another job?” “Who will hire me” “Yes! I get to go on that trip now!” It all depends on your resume and your schedule.

When I got laid off (1st or 2nd, or maybe 3rd time), I felt like crap, I got over it and then went for a little vacation south of the border. Why? Because the whole country got laid off and I knew I couldn’t compete with my boss for the same job. So I went for a little travel RnR and then applied 6 months later and got a quick job with better pay!

But when I got canned because I was performing better, I felt like crap and I was scared. What did I do? Can I get another job? Is this career for me?

Well, that’s when I re-evaluated my life. Sometimes it’s an honest mistake and you will get another job. Sometimes you are in the wrong field and it’s a blessing to go do what you were meant to do.

The important thing is: keep money in the bank (six months at least) so that when something happens, you have options. Don’t get down on yourself. And always evaluate and stick to a plan.

Resources

Designing Your Life By Bill Burnett and Dave Evans

This book describes how to find your career and then how to get a job in that career. Awesome advice on creating a life the way you would create a billion-dollar start-up.

Chapter 15 - Mental Health

This is something few people talk about, but mental problems often come to light in college. I knew several people who had issues, some even took their lives, so I want to talk about it because colleges don’t talk about this issue even though it occurs to a large portion of their students.

Why do mental issues occur in college? Partly just genetics. A lot of mental disorders for whatever reason occur right around the college age of 18-25. So naturally, some people who are in college will experience those issues at the most inopportune time, when they are under a lot of stress, far from family, surrounded by strangers.

Another reason for it is, just what I said, some people have a hard time with the stress of school, family expectations, being far from family, and surrounded by strangers. Not all people thrive in this situation. So what to do about it?

First, don’t freak out if you or your friends start to experience something that you have never experienced before. Learn to diagnose that something is not normal and ask for help.

For instance, if you feel depressed, you may not realize it. Things like wanting to sleep a lot. Not having the motivation to do homework. Not of wanting to go out and have fun. Thinking that you can’t do it, are all signs of this. This is not you, it is your brain’s response to stress. The best thing you can do is go talk to a therapist. There’s always one on campus.

Of course, sometimes the therapists aren’t great. If you don’t connect with them, don’t stop getting help, look for another one (even though this is hard, I know). The problem with depression is that everything is hard, even making a call. This is why talking to someone who is a friend, might help, because they will either go with you or just remind you to go in and make the appointment.

Should you be telling professors? Well, maybe. You should certainly talk to a college counselor (the one time it is ok because they will help you keep your grades nice) because like I said before, grades and what you learn are super super important. Missing a week in a 10-week class is 10% of the class! Making it up is hard in college, even when you are on your game.

I didn’t know this then, but I realize now, that when I took time off from college, it was for this specific reason: I was depressed and lacked motivation. When I had time off, I was able to return and do things better.

Now I wasn’t able to do well in college because I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until years later. A lot of people don’t get diagnosed with this, especially if they are not hyperactive but are inattentive. If you have a hard time focusing, not one in a while, but all the time. If you get easily distracted all the time, not sometimes. You might have it, and it’s really good to get diagnosed so you can get the help you need to do your work.

A lot of people think: I can do it on my own, I don’t need help, I’ll just work harder. That’s like saying I don’t need glasses, I’ll just squint harder. THAT DOESN’T WORK. If you work hard and you can’t focus even on subjects you like, get help. If you don’t, you’ll get bad grades, get discouraged and get depressed.

Some people will say: “I can focus just fine, I can sit playing games for hours”. That’s what is called “Hyperfocus”. People with ADHD lack dopamine connections, so things like video games or high adrenaline stuff will activate the dopamine and kick in hyperfocus that most people won’t have. So it’s a sign of ADHD.

I’m not a shrink, so I can’t diagnose you, but I can tell you that if you are coughing or your arm hurts and you can’t do curls, you will get help from the doctor. College is a gym for your brain, so if you can’t do brain curls, get help. Because the longer you wait, the worse it gets.

So you should learn about this for yourself and your friends because when these issues are not taken care of, the results can be tragic. This was the case for several of my friends and acquaintances. I wish they had gone for help to me or their parents or their friends. They took their life over events and feelings that were temporary and issues that could have been addressed and made easier.

On the other hand, one guy on our wrestling team did reach out. He was going through a bipolar psychotic episode that was unbeknownst to him. He was yelling at his roommates in a way no one understood, and he said something strange to a wrestling teammate online. We found him and got him help. I was there with him at the hospital before they admitted him and his parents arrived. He is now a financial planner. Another friend also reached out, had to go home for a while, but she came back and finished school and is now also working and enjoying life.

So mental stuff happens, to a lot of people, and very often for the first time in college. So be aware of it, learn to realize something is off, and don’t be afraid to do something about it. Because you’re not the first, you’re not weird if it does, and people will be happy to help you get through it.