Easy Squeezy Scamper Velociraptor

Easy Squeezy Scamper Velociraptor.

That’s me.

Say it again, carefully. Then faster. Get a little practice and you can say it real fast.

Easy Squeezy, or Scamper, for short, but until you get it all said you don’t really know me.

Easy Squeezy Scamper Velociraptor. I like it.

People don’t know what to name a cat, have you noticed that? They start with all sorts of gooshy names, and flowers, and spices like cinammon, and food, like cocoa, and they never really get to the good names.

And then you’re stuck with whatever they stopped on.

Kitten. Pudding. Fluffy. (Of course I’m fluffy, but that’s not a name, for goodness sake.)

We need names that turn us loose, that invite us into the wide world of cat and human adventure, something colorful… but not a color, good grief! Blacky, pinky, whitey, throw-up-y. Give it a rest.

Easy Squeezy Scamper Velociraptor.

Now there’s a name a cat can live with, and grow into.

Smart man. It was the man that came up with that, you know, not the women or the children. But I have to say, one of the kids was using that bottle of easy squeeze jelly, and they were talking about the dinosaur movie, so he had some help. And the that nice lady wanted to call me some pretty names, but … please. I gotta run, I gotta … scamper.

So he got it exactly right.

Did I mention he’s a smart man?

I think I’m going to tell him things. Maybe he already knows. But I can fill in the details. What it’s like to attack a foot from under the bedspread, for example. What that wet catfood smells like. Where to rub my tummy … oh, wait, he already knows that, and I don’t want to ruin a moment like that by talking.

Here comes that blue mousy thing on the string. The eyes light up. That’s weird. They think I like it, so I chase it, and jump for it, and they go crazy. I’m just fooling with them, that’s all. Makes them happy. Then when too many are here, I dive under the couch and get some privacy. Did you know I can slide under the front of the couch when there’s only the space of a ping pong ball?

Speaking of names, that’s an odd one. Why would you take a perfectly good cat toy and call it a “ping pong” ball? Does it make a sound, or something? I’ve never heard it. But on this hard floor, it runs like the wind, and it might get away from me if I weren’t so fast. No chance, really. I’m really fast.

I don’t know what that means, to run like the wind. What is that? They say that, so it must be true. Have I ever seen the wind? Does it come visiting? I can’t get outside, so maybe that’s where it lives… nothing inside here is as fast as me, so it must be out there.

Maybe it has 6 legs, so it can run really, really fast. Is it big? Small? Ugly? I just don’t know.

Maybe it’s not very fast at all, and when they say that, it’s an insult. Hmm. No, I think they mean it as a compliment. They smile when they say it.

Anyway. Maybe I’ll meet Wind someday, and we’ll like each other. He won’t like it that I’m faster, of course, but if he’s a gentleman, that won’t matter. And I won’t point it out, unless he wants to race, and then I’ll try to find an excuse so I don’t embarrass him.

If I do embarrass him, what would he do? Would Wind blush? Is his face hairy? Could you see it, if he blushes? Or maybe smooth, like Deklan’s?

Now, he’s fast. Deklan. And he can run forever. It’s amazing. He likes to catch me and carry me around, so I dilly dally, just dawdle, you know, so he can catch me.

But where do all these children come from? Sometimes there’s no one around, just me and the lady… and sometimes there are more feet chasing me, and more hollering and hitting and jumping than I can keep up with. Crazy. And then they’re gone, like they just come to terrorize anything they can find, amuse themselves, and then go collapse from all the effort.

Poor things. Must not have anything else to do.