Chapter 36: Spirit of Motivation
That evening, after their day of processing and preserving, she again found Tom smiling at the horizon, with his eyes closed. She observed the deep fissures in the skin of his face, his hawk-like nose, and his long, white hair. She noticed the medicine pouch and another sheath that hung around his neck, which appeared to hold a small knife. During the silence and the intense scrutiny, he didn’t seem to mind or even notice she was there.
“How were the apples?” he finally whispered.
After her initial surprise, she responded, “Oh, they were good! Let’s see… we made apple butter… we froze some apple pie filling, and made apple sauce. And then we picked some grapes to juice tomorrow,” she beamed. “It was fun. Exhausting… but fun.”
“Good,” he nodded. “Were you thankful this morning?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry I slept in,” she said, sheepishly. “But I came out here. I gave it a try.”
“And what questions do you have now?”
“Well… I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I guess I’m just wondering about you.”
“Oh?” he raised a brow. Then he peeked at her through one eyelid.
“Yeah, I’ve told you about myself, but what about you? How did you learn all this stuff?”
With a passive nod, he stated, “I began my journey learning by following my grandfather. He never lived on the reservation, but he would actually sneak in sometimes to visit us.”
“Nice,” she grinned. “So he taught you how to track and read nature and all that. He was like… the real thing, huh?”
“The real thing?” he smirked.
“Yeah, you know,” she shrugged, not sure if he knew the clichés and stereotypes she was thinking about. “Well, people would have you believe certain things…”
“What kinds of things?”
“Things that I probably need to unlearn,” she rolled her eyes. “Stuff in movies… Some of it was actually pretty cool, though…” she continued to try and explain without sounding prejudice. “Or – like in church. They’d have me believe that the native people were… just pagans. And they worshiped the Earth, and they were wrong about God… but I always felt like… maybe they were actually onto something.” Sheepishly, Katrina scrunched up her nose. “Does that make sense?”
Tom pursed his lips as he pondered this statement, and chose his words.
She couldn’t stand the suspense, and rushed to fill the conversational void. “I don’t mean to sound… You know, I’m just trying to…”
“You want to learn,” he nodded. “That’s good.”
Finally she breathed, and smiled. “Yeah.”
Taking a deep breath, he finally found his direction and opened his mouth. “Regardless of their mythology or religion, indigenous people live close to the Earth. They find a way to be human – as flawed as we are – and still generally allow the rest of nature to live and flourish, as God intended. That kind of coexistence, that surrender of control, makes for a better relationship with all of Creation. Then it’s easier to learn the flow of Nature, and where we fit into the grand design.”
As usual, she got much more than she’d expected from that monologue. “So where do we fit in?” she wondered.
“We are the hands of the Creator. Caretakers; the manifestation of love and healing. That’s why it’s so important to live your Vision. You must surrender to the will of the Creator, so you can live <i>with</i> the rest of Creation, and not fight against it.”
Again she was reminded that she hadn’t yet found an adequate purpose with her life, so she continued to probe about his. “So what’s your Vision?”
“I’m living it now,” he grinned. “But first I had to continue the quest of my grandfather. He died when I was ten years old.”
“Aw,” she fussed, drooping her shoulders. “Well what was his Vision, then?”
“To learn,” he told. “One hundred years after Tecumseh, my grandfather was still inspired by his mission to bring together separate tribes for a single cause.”
“Yeah! I read about that the other night… he was a Shawnee, right?”
Tom affirmed, with a gentle smile. “So am I. But we are of the Wolf clan.”
“Oh…” This was new information to her, as she realized she’d never even asked about his specific heritage.
“Tecumseh did well in uniting some tribes in the region, but he was not able to complete his Vision before he fell. The white man was already pouring into the continent when my grandfather was born. But he was still driven to bring together the collective wisdom of the First Nations peoples for a single cause… Freedom.”
“Yeah,” she breathed, her eyes wide like a preschooler listening to a fairytale.
“In Oklahoma there are many different tribes, and he would find elders who were willing to share their wisdom with him. But he journeyed much farther in his quest for knowledge. He traveled north, east, south, and west; always following his inner wisdom, and the direction of the Creator. During his quest, his understanding deepened. Though we humans all come from different cultures and religions, we are all one people.”
Katrina leaned toward him, hanging on his words. As fast as he was speaking, her brain rushed to compute, interpret, and compare his teachings to what she’d been taught.
“We all need certain physical requirements to survive. Our energy comes from the same cosmos. Our bodies come from the same Earth and water. We breathe the same air. We all seek one single truth. And no matter what race or creed, there is only one Source. That Creator loves all of Creation. It has no concern over which religion we were taught, or how we understand that which cannot be fully understood.”
“Whoa.”
“That’s why it is called the Great Mystery. It’s not our job to try and figure it out; just listen and obey.”
After Katrina absorbed that precious nugget, she took a deep breath and surrendered to the next itching inquiry. “So… I know this is probably a stupid question… but what religion are you, then?”
With a patient smile, Tom closed his eyes. “I am soul, flesh, and spirit. I am everything, and sometimes I am nothing.”
Katrina shook her head and furrowed her brow. “Is that some kind of riddle?”
“It will stop being a riddle when you understand. The true seeker of wisdom… the true shaman… must transcend their own religion and dogma… prejudices, and false perceptions… in order to find truth.”
Pursing her lips, she accepted that for now. “That’s some pretty heavy stuff. You learned all of that before you were ten?”
“No,” he tilted his head in confusion. “Why do you think that?”
“Because you said you learned it from your grandfather…”
“Ah, yes, he died when I was ten. When I was eleven though, I almost died. The rheumatic fever did take the life of my sister. As I struggled to survive, I became… more than I am. I met with my grandfather once again, and I was able to comprehend many concepts that I couldn’t have otherwise known. But most importantly, I came back with the passion to keep learning after I recovered.”
After a few blinks, Katrina had interpreted enough of those phrases to clarify what he’d actually said.
“So here I am,” he continued, with a certain inner glow. “Continuing his Vision.”
“Wow. That’s beautiful. Yeah… it seems so simple. Freedom and enlightenment. It does seem like something God would want us to know. It’s so easy if we just stop complicating…”
“I didn’t say it was easy,” he peered at her sideways.
“Oh,” she withdrew. “But still… This is the kind of thing we need to hear. You should be shouting this stuff from the rooftops, man.”
“His Vision was to learn. Mine is to teach. It will be another’s Vision to spread the wisdom, like the light from the rising sun.”
With that, Grandfather’s mouth stretched into a thin smile and his eyes stared straight into her. This left her with an uneasy feeling, so she rushed to speak, to relieve the tension.
“Actually I’m surprised you’re telling me all this. Aren’t you afraid I’m not ready yet?”
“You’re not,” he shrugged. “I’m only telling you that which you already know, deep down inside. That’s why it seems so simple. The real wisdom will come from the world of nature and spirit… and from within you. But you must be willing to do the work.”
“Of course,” she rolled her eyes.
Tolerantly, he explained. “You can only walk on the Earth in front of you. Like stepping on stones, crossing a stream. You can’t jump straight to the other side; you’ll simply get swept away. You must get to know each step before you can move on. And you can’t just <i>imagine</i> what each step will teach you… you have to actually take the step. Be there. Experience it. Then you will understand.”
“Okay,” she grumbled. “But how am I supposed to learn from nature and…”
“I think you already know that, as well,” he leered. “The spirit communicates through visions, signs, symbols, feelings… and dreams.”
Immediately her cynicism fell away and she met his eyes again.
“And it will convey concepts straight into your heart, better than any teacher or mentor can.”
“So…” Katrina wanted to be positive she understood what he was saying, without revealing some of her most childish fantasies. “… You’re saying I can learn from my dreams?”
“Not every dream is meaningful,” he pointed out. “But if the spirit cannot reach you by other methods while you’re awake – if you’re not paying attention to the other visions, signs, symbols and feelings – then he might try to reach you through a dream.”
“Hmm.” Chewing on the inside of her cheek, she took a deep breath and tried to stifle the chills that just went down her back. “You’re right, I’m going to have to get used to this stuff…”
“That’s the beauty of it. It will only come when you’re ready. Enlightenment grows and builds, like sand pouring into an hourglass. But you must start at the beginning, and you must make the climb yourself. This isn’t something that can be done in a couple of days.”
She palpated this new information in her mind and heart, like a tub of Play-Doh. Finally, when she was able to form it into feasible characteristics, she carried on.
“Just out of curiosity… how long would it take…?”
“How long does what take?”
“Well… to learn about spirit… things.”
She was relieved to see a smirk creep across his face before he turned back toward the horizon, which was now grey-to-deep-blue. Tom sighed before choosing his words.
“That’s not the right question.”
“Yeah, I know,” she murmured.
“What’s most important is your motivation.”
Katrina had no response to this; she simply stared at him and waited.
“When you become aware of the spirit reality, it becomes more aware of you. When you truly recognize that ‘with God all things are possible,’ you must be ready to shoulder that responsibility <i>wisely</i>. You must already know yourself, know your weakness, your tendencies, and be ready for the demons that will come with this gift of knowledge.”
“Demons?” she reacted.
Tom revealed the palm of his hand, and calmly moved it through the space between them. After he’d soothed her mind somewhat, he continued. “What is your agenda, Katrina? What’s your motivation for wanting to know the way of the spirit? If it is self-serving, then you’re a danger to yourself, and to others. So… what is your motivation?”
“Oh…” Feeling guilty, and a little nervous, she bit her lip and told the truth. “So I can be with my dad again,” she whispered.
Slowly he nodded, as if he’d just been checking. Then, in his gentlest voice, he told her, “Your father is still here in spirit. Love will always bond you to him. But he exists in a realm where there are no lies; no secrets. Only truth in concepts. That wisdom will be given to you when you’re ready.”
“But I’m leaving! When will I–?”
“Soon,” he interrupted, raising his hand again. “But the journey is yours, not mine. It’s there to be discovered, you only have to open yourself to it.”