10. Can the Pleasure of Sex Be Separated From Procreation?

Some NCC people insist that the sexual act should never be separated from the purpose of procreation. They claim that it is a sin to enjoy sex without taking the responsibility for the baby that God intends to be the product of such sex. Taking a verse out of context, they quote Jesus saying, “What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.” They say that God has joined sex and procreation, and it is a serious sin to separate those two things. Usually, appeal is made to the Onan passage in Genesis 38 and to the prohibition of sex during a woman’s period. Chapters 3, 4, and 12 deal with these two issues, and we have demonstrated that the sins involved were for other reasons than for “wasting seed.” The law does not prohibit sterile sex. On the contrary, we have seen that the law of God assumes that the vast majority of sexual relations will be sterile (i.e., before and after fertile days, after pregnancy has been achieved, and after menopause. Is it even possible to obey the following three commands and still maintain this philosophy?

1. “let her breasts satisfy you at all times” (Prov. 5:19).
2. “always be enraptured with her love” (Prov. 5:19).
3. “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:5).

Notice that the sexual delight that is commanded is not reserved simply for the times when a wife is fertile. It is for “always” and “all times.” Interestingly, when Paul compared fasting from sexual relations with fasting from food and insisted that it should only be “for a time… and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you” (1 Cor. 7:5), he didn’t say, “Come together again to produce more babies.” He ties the conjugal rights to sexual desires and compared it to hunger for food. How long do people fast from food? On rare occasions perhaps as long as three weeks, but certainly not for nine months. If couples were not expected to fast from sexual pleasure for the entire nine months of pregnancy (logically implied from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5), then it is obvious that Paul was commanding them to have sexual pleasure even when it was guaranteed that no child would result. These three Scriptures explicitly unlink sexual pleasure from procreation. This book discusses numerous other Scriptures that command sexual pleasure with no nuance of procreation being connected.

This idea that sexual pleasure must be linked with procreation does not come from the Bible; it comes from church fathers, who in turn got their ideas from Greek ascetics.¹³⁸ God’s commands that we regularly experience sexual delight should settle the question, but perhaps a few more words can be said.

I suspect that most NCC advocates are not consistent on this question. I have asked some if they stop having sex when their wives are pregnant, and they admit that they do not. Good for them – they are obeying Scripture. I asked one NCC advocate if he continued to have sex after menopause. He said that he did, but he pointed to Sarah as an example that God could still do a miracle with his wife. If it is OK to “waste seed” during the nine months of pregnancy, why not at other times? Since the average amount of ejaculate contains 180 million sperm (with some estimated at 400 million), it appears that God designed sperm to be “wasted” on purpose, and the whole concept of “wasted seed” is a fallacious argument. The question really boils down to whether it is ever OK to have sex when you know that the sexual union will not result in a pregnancy.

Scripture clearly says that it is. For example, 1 Corinthians 7 calls husband and wife to only abstain from sexual relations for short times of prayer and fasting. Paul was addressing those who were post-menopause as well as pre-menopause. Paul clearly separates sex from procreation and makes one of the central purposes of sex to keep men and women from burning with sexual desire (v. 9) and to keep them from sexual immorality (v. 2). This means that Paul clearly allows for sterile sexual relations the vast majority of the time - during pregnancy, post-menopause, etc.

If God allows for sterile sexual relations during pregnancy, after menopause, etc., there is no logical basis for insisting that we may never separate sex from procreation in other scenarios. For example, a woman getting chemotherapy would destroy a baby in the womb through that treatment. Leukemia can often be cured through chemotherapy if it is caught early enough, and would it not be a good thing to have this mother live another 25 years? It might be responded that God’s sovereign constraint of leukemia also restrains the ability of that couple to have sexual relations for a year or so.

If God’s word says so, that is fine for me. But it doesn’t say so, and I have just shown that God clearly separates sex from procreation in the vast majority of a husband’s and wife’s sexual relations (during pregnancy and during menopause).

Thus, I fail to see where the Bible says that a woman undergoing chemotherapy (who is otherwise healthy and able to enjoy sex) must restrain from sex because birth control is not allowed. What about other situations? What about lesser health issues such as a nervous breakdown? Is financial catastrophe not also God’s constraint? What about inability to disciple more children?

Song of Solomon is another passage that separates the pleasures of sex from procreation (at least in its descriptions). It is not simply a manual on how to have babies. It is a manual on how to bring romance and sexual pleasure to your spouse.

The rest of Scripture seems to give multiple purposes for sexual relations (not just one). Procreation is obviously a purpose (Gen. 1:28; 9:7; Ps. 127:3-5; 128:3), especially the procreation of a godly seed (Mal. 2:15). We have always argued that it is selfish and sinful to desire marriage but to plan to have no children, but there are other purposes for sexual relations.

God ordained that sexual intercourse would serve to develop a deepening of the companionship (“it is not good that man should be alone” – Gen. 2:18,20; cf. Deut. 24:5; Ps. 68:6; Song of Solomon 5:1). These Scriptures indicate that sexual union is one of the purposes of satisfying this deep loneliness within men and women, but that it must be satisfied within marriage. Thus the repeated references to the friend theme in Song of Solomon – “His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend” (5:16).

A third purpose is enjoyment and recreation. Genesis 26:8 says that Isaac played (מְצַחֵק) with his wife, and Song of Songs uses language of playful deer in their sexual encounters (2:9,17; 8:14). Proverbs 5:18 says, “Let your fountain [an obvious sexual connotation] be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.” Contrary to the views of church fathers who taught guilt over pleasure in sex,¹³⁹ God commands pleasure in sex – “rejoice” (Prov. 5:18), “let her breasts satisfy you at all times” (Prov. 5:19), “be enraptured” (Prov. 5:19). Of course there are other references to the enjoyment of the marriage relationship (Gen. 29:20; 1 Sam. 1:8; 2 Sam. 11:11; Prov. 5:19; 12:4; 18:22; 19:14; 31:28,31; Eccl. 9:9; Song of Solomon). It is impossible to read those passages and not come away believing that the purpose of fun and enjoyment can be continued even after a woman gets pregnant and after menopause. It is an artificial restriction to say that when no children can result no pleasure can be had. Any of the purposes can be a reason for sexual union so long as all of the purposes are met at some time over a lifetime of marriage.

A fourth purpose is to complement and complete the man and woman (Gen. 2:18,20). A single man or woman will always be a fragment until they are made complete by marriage. Ephesians 5:31 even uses the mystery of this one flesh concept as an analogy of the great mystery of the union between Christ and believers as head is intimately joined to body. The oneness is so strong that Leviticus 18 says that uncovering the nakedness of someone is uncovering the nakedness of that person’s spouse (see also Deut. 24:5; Matt. 19:5-6; Mark 10:6-8; 1 Cor. 7:2-6).

A fifth purpose is to illustrate God’s love for Israel and the resultant union between Christ and believers. It is an analogy with teaching significance (Hos. 2:19,20; Is. 54:5; 1 Cor. 6:15; Eph. 5:22-23; Rev. 19:7; 21:2,3,9)

Sex was intended to facilitate a deep communication physically, psychologically, and spiritually. This is seen in the Scriptural use of the word “know” in connection with sexual acts (Gen. 4:1; Matt. 1:25; Luke 1:34).

If procreation were the sole purpose for intercourse then it would be clearly wrong to have intercourse apart from that purpose. However, even when we are dealing with a Hannah (1 Sam. 1:6) or a Sarah (Gen. 16:2), who have a closed up womb (infertility) or with sterility in a man or a woman who knows that she does not have ovaries, Scripture makes clear that the couple is not to abstain from sexual intercourse for long periods of time (1 Cor. 7:5) because they have “conjugal rights” or needs that must be met by the other partner (Ex. 21:10). God doesn’t give those commands only to the fertile or to those who are this side of menopause. He commands, honors, and blesses sexual intercourse even where it may not be possible to have children as a result.

Thus it must be admitted that procreation is not necessary for every sexual act, and does not have to be in view for God to bless every sexual union. To the original declaration, “What God hath joined together, let no man separate,” I would rejoinder that God Himself has authorized a separate function for sex besides procreation most of the time (as we have demonstrated, during most of the pregnancy, and for many years after menopause). The NCC position of at least some advocates has unwittingly engaged in legalism and has put a burden upon married partners that has robbed them of some of the greatest pleasures of marriage. It is the purpose of this book to help restore that joy in the Lord by encouraging people to not allow anyone to bind their conscience by the “traditions of men” (Mark 7:1-23; Matt. 15:1-2), but instead to find the liberty that can only come as we allow all of our ethics to be grounded in “the perfect law of liberty” (James 1:25) – which is the moral law code given in the Pentateuch and exemplified in the rest of Scripture.